You Might be a Redneck Pagan If...
If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any
lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....
If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's,
and a Little Debbie.....
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....
If when your priestess says 'Blessed Be' in circle, you respond
with 'YEEE-HAW!'. ..
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people....
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' 'Hey, y'all! Watch
me!'....
If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court
secret.....
If you can play the 'Burning Times' on the banjo....
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate
it........
If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for
Beltane....
If you have cast a love spell on livestock... .
If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a
potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess....
If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View
wrestling on TV....
If you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.....
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.....
If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....
If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car
hoods....
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, 'the circle
is open but never unbroken'...
If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance. ...
If you think a 'family tradition' is a dating club....
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture... .
If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school
football team....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....
If you've ever meditated to 'Dueling Banjos'.....
If you've reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade......
If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....
If your Goddess picture says 'Miss September' at the bottom......
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....
If your altar cloth is vinyl......
If your altar cloth says 'Holiday Inn' or 'Howard Johnson's'.. ..
If your altar has a spit cup.....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on
the 'Hollywood Walk of Fame'.....
If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice.....
If your athame is by Bowie.....
If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....
If your ceremonial chalice says 'Budweiser' on it....
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.... .
If your circle dance contains the words 'dosey-do'.. ....
If your circle dance is a two-step....
If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are 'Cooter'
and 'Sweet Cheeks'....
If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.....
If your craft name starts with 'Bubba'..... .
If your familiar can point quail....
If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary.....
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third
cousin....
If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard
still......
If your favorite painting of the Goddess does her hair like Reba
McEntire....
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....
If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting,
and a half-empty can of chaw.....
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter
altars....
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli
Girl...
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing 'Ring of
Fire'....
If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....
Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!
