Cruelty to lettuce often entails enraging the leafy vegetable by showing it pleasures it cannot obtain. A good way to achieve this goal is to light up a fresh cigarette directly in its line of sight; everyone knows lettuce envies tobacco plants for its popularity and asking price. Another slick move is when you ignore the lettuce for a few days, then pet it and coo over it, then ignore it for another day or two, then chop it up, make a nice salad, and throw the salad down the garbage disposal.
