ATTN: The President/Ceo
From: Barrister David Pachekotu
Soyu Wanna Beya Playa Law Firm
Legal Practitioners
Boston.
Confidential Proposal/Investment Assistance.
Greetings and love to you in the name of the most high God, from my
beloved country of Boston. I am sorry and I solicit your permission
into your privates. I am Barrister David Pachekotu, lawyer to Miriam
"Kibo" Abacha, widow of the late ruler of Usenet, James "Kibo" Parry,
King of Terror.
My former client the late "Kibo" Parry has been missing from newsgroup
alt.religion.kibology for several days now, and it is presumed that he
died in posting accident in the year 1994 and his posts have been
written in the between years by the same people who write "Garfield"
for Jim Davis. The family is currently under investigation and
undergoing prosecution in the hands of the present Bush dictatorship as
a result of the mailing of seven calico cats to John Ashcroft by the
late head of Usenet General James "Kibo" Parry, King of Terror. John
Ashcroft as is known to you to believe that calico cats are
representative of Satan in the backwards cult he belongs to: as you
know, our country is still in Dark Ages in many respects.
Before the presumed death of my client he had deposited US$32.75 in
quarters with a secret security firm in two gym socks in my name, and I
am the only authority to this fund which he was to transfer out of the
city few days after he died in a nntp client crash. Along with the
monies are several objects of unknown esteemed value, including an
original recording of Mr. Rogers calling "Pee Wee" Herman a "fuckwad of
the highest order", and a broken pool cue once used by Matt McIrvin in
a bar fight.
This fund was deposited with the security firm in my name because my
client overcharged this money to the world.std.com company and he did
not want anyone to know that he is associated with the fund in question
not until the fund is successfully moved out of the city. The
overcharge was occurred when a font that "Kibo" Parry designed
malfunctioned so killing several webmasters for the company. The $32.75
expense was supposed to pay for "font insurance" to cover this very
type of accidental death and dismemberment, but instead was diverted to
the private coffers of my law firm. It is believed that the nntp crash
that caused Mr. Parry's death was intentionally triggered by a positive
meme ratio planted by world.std.com, as revenge and retribution for the
deadly font accident. ISPs in Boston are dangerous places and not to
be messed around with on under to.
The security firm does not know the actual content of the gym socks, my
client and I told them that the boxes contains pictures of Vice
President Dick Cheney injecting pure crude oil into his eyeballs as
part of hazing initiation rite by the Bush dictatorship. For now it
is only you, I and Mrs. Mariam "Kibo" Abacha that is having knowledge
of this treasure trove, and the only assistance I require from you is
to help me spend this fund in either Toys'R'Us, KBToys or Victoria's
Secret depending on our shop of agreement and possibly invest it abroad
in candy. In addition, we may auction the pool cue on eBay for a large
sum.
This fund shall be disbursed accordingly as follows: $2.75 for the
recipient (you) from the total sum(US$32.75). $2 for this man outside
the office who thinks he has a cell phone but is really just talking to
himself. $3 in quarters set aside from the entire sum for expenses
incurred by both parties in due course of executing this transaction
(bus tokens, phone calls, peep shows). The rest for me and the widow
Parry. Maybe two bits for a newspaper.
If you are not satisfied with the percentage sharing of the fund feel
free to let me know, and I will make arrangements for you to agree with
me. In compliance with this you are to immediately forward to me by
mail the following: Your full names and address, confidential telephone
and fax numbers, a snail with a little cowboy hat and a dozen red roses
dipped in custard.
Be warned that an advance fee will have to be paid to bribe the doorman
at my apartment building so that he can look the other way when I am
leaving because I am behind in my rent for many months, and this scam
seems to be a good way to steal some money out of you stupid greedy
Americans and oh shit no wait. Delete. Delete?
Ma!
Ma! How do you delete text in this thing?
No, I already tried that.
What delete key?
I don't see it.
No, I can't come down, can't you see I'm busy? Help me delete!
Oh, you are big pain. No, I cannot call tech support because we did
not buy this software, don't you remember? We burned a CD from Oglaga
Nbuye's copy of MS Office.
Duh, yes, that is stealing. What do you think I am doing with the word
typer software?
Ma, Bill Gates has enough money. He doesn't need ours.
Yes, I know stealing is wrong, Ma.
No.
No! Listen, are you going to help me or not?
Well, you didn't think it was stealing when you took my pocket money
for cigarettes, you stupid stealing woman.
Nothing, Ma, I didn't say nothing.
In a minute, dammit.
I said in a minute! Soup can wait! I'm trying to get us rich here!
With this information I will immediately commence all necessary
documentation for a successful shipment of the first gym socks to your
country of choice as all the modalities have already been worked out by
me using a pen.
Please note that you are to treat this with utmost confidentiality, and
not be notifying the policemen of this contact. The policemen here in
Boston are extremely corrupt, and have buried so many bodies in this
city that they have had to do the Big Dig to lift the city up by twelve
inches so they can fit more bodies underneath.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS, IF I WERE YOU I WOULD, BECAUSE IT WILL COST YOU
LITTLE OR NOTHING TO ACHIEVE THIS AND THE BENEFIT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
FOREVER AND MAYBE YOU KEEP THE GYM SOCKS TOO.
MA! HOW DO YOU TURN OF ALL THE BIG LETTers never mind Ma I found it.
Remain blessed in the name of KIBO.
Yours faithfully Barrister David Pachekotu
