From Dick Butkus to Hootie and the Blowfish to Lake Titicaca, bad names have been with us forever. But thanks to the inevitable collision of reclusive nerds, bizarre artists and painfully unhip marketing execs, the video game industry enjoys some of the worst names of all.
The following list was compiled after hours of lively debate, pages of exhausting science and one actual geek fistfight. During this laborious process, we decided to set up a few basic rules:
- All games must have been wide releases for legitimate, popular platforms.
- We tried to avoid games heavy on the Engrish. Translation errors are just too easy.
- So are educational games and porn.
We should also point out that this list in no way indicates the quality of the game itself, merely the quality of its awful title. And we know that some of you will claim that you once played a game in a Korean arcade called "Diarrhea Coughdrop" or something and that it deserves a spot on the list. Cool. Go make one.
After all, Wii did. Let the names begin!
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We must bring order to the helmets!
Platform : DS, PSP
Publisher : Konami
Year : 2005
If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger."
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David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Platform : Playstation, PC
Publisher : Taito
Year : 1998
Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits!
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| Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother |
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No, Joe.
Platform : Arcade
Publisher : Taito
Year : 1988
It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what?
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A super-power it ain't.
Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC
Publisher : Epyx
Year : 1983
From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see...there's a man, and he jumps...
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| ASO: Armored Scrum Object |
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FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation
Platform : Arcade
Publisher : SNK
Year : 1986
Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course.
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I just figured out my porn star name.
Platform : Sega CD
Publisher : Sega
Year : 1995
Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard.
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Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Platform : Dreamcast
Publisher : Capcom
Year : 2000
This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot.
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| Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom |
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Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Hudson Soft
Year : 1990
And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato.
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Way past the far out.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Sony
Year : 1999
Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really.
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| Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope |
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Palette timid waffle.
Platform : Playstation, Saturn
Publisher : Working Designs
Year : 1999
We love the random word generator, too! Opted congestion substances source! Think wind recorder disrupt!
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While my guitar gently screams WTF.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Sony
Year : 1999
This sequel to Parappa the Rapper took a confusing premise - you're a psychedelic lamb who plays guitar - and turned it absurd with this awkward title.
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Attack of the lion-penguin-monkeys.
Platform : Dreamcast
Publisher : Infogrames
Year : 1999
You're a mutant penguin racing in the TriIcelon, which is just like a Triathlon, but colder. Believe it or not, we reviewed this one and STILL have no idea what the hell it's about.
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To save Alfalfa?
Platform : SNES
Publisher : Natsume
Year : 1992
See, Spanky is a monkey. Spanky the monkey. SPANK THE MONKEY. Hey thanks, you're a great crowd!
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| Cacoma Knight in Bizyland |
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Mind your bizness.
Platform : SNES
Publisher : SETA U.S.A.
Year : 1993
Sounds like an adventurous RPG, but the only thing getting bizy in this Qix ripoff is you.
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B.A.D. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Bandai
Year : 1986
Video games are chock full of bad acronyms, but Mattel and Bandai's old wrestling game - Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere - wins by submission.
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Pass the vaseline.
Platform : Gizmondo
Publisher : Gizmondo Games
Year : 2005
The platform might have been a front for a mafia scam, but the games were real. Real filthy, that is.
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70's Robot Anime Geppy-X:
The Super Boosted Armor |
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Wow.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Aroma
Year : 1999
We cheated a little on this one, since this side-scrolling robot shooter was a Japanese-only release, but with a title like that, it just had to be on the list.
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God save the queen.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Jaleco
Year : 1998
Talk about low effort game naming. He's a skunk, he's extreme, and he loves The Misfits...so...hmmm...what to call him...
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| Klonoa: Door to Phantomile |
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Doctor, it hurts when I pee...
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Namco
Year : 1997
That's because you've caught Klonoa, Jimmy, but don't worry, a shot of penicillin will clear that right up.
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| Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt! |
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He does. Right in the butt.
Platform : Sega Genesis
Publisher : Tengen
Year : 1994
Fun fact: This is one of the first games to actually use digitized voice. Not so fun fact: Here's a dialogue snippet: Awesome Possum: "I'm awesome!"
Dr. Machino: "You’re not so awesome!"
You got that right.
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