barch97
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 588 Registered: 6/18/2003 Offline
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4/27/2004 at 21:00 |
This is awesome. This is the first pornsite I've found in years that I'd actually advertise to swarmers. When you first load it up, it looks just like every crappy scam site out there, except that it's real. It's huge, it's updated constantly, there's no spam, no popups, and no bullshit -- and it's completely free. When you sign up through that link above and respond to the confirmation email, I make a bit of loose change. See what other swarmers have to say about it. People love this place, so I feel fine about sending you there and am confident you will enjoy boners. The thread below is what brought you here, but chances are by now the images are broken, the passwords don't work, and you can't get shit to load. You're welcome to try, of course, but This is your best bet.
 Don't forget to respond to the confirmation email , or you won't get in, so check your spam filter, pervert. This message is only shown to anonymous peeps coming in from other websites looking for porn. Registered users are not shown any ads here. Now, on to the original post... I may need to kill mrs barch today. what do I do with her earthly remains?
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MOMAD
That Weird Stain on the Ceiling   SSHOLEPosts: 449 Registered: 3/12/2002 Offline
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4/27/2004 at 21:02 |
Oh you know, the usual. Rapekill, burninate, scatter ash over meals.
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cthulu
Tender vittles  Posts: 11 Registered: 10/28/2003 Offline
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4/27/2004 at 22:00  |
well for starters we need about 6 hungry hogs, a gallon of molasses, three tarps, 2 gallons of low quality diesel, and a couple of hookers (for us to pass the time) yeah and some whiskey, and some cubans yeah opps lost my train of thought, ahh man it derailed, oh well good luck |
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SexNinja
the illest nigga  SSHOLEPosts: 1517 Registered: 10/28/2007 Offline
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4/27/2004 at 22:03  |
Poor mrs. Barch. What'd she do?
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HAMFIGHTER> He shrugged, and started finishing himself off, on my breasts, while I was crying. |
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SexNinja
the illest nigga SSHOLEPosts: 1517 Registered: 10/28/2007 Offline
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4/27/2004 at 22:04  |
Or not do! |
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barch97
DARTH MENSES Posts: 588 Registered: 6/18/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 00:22 |
teh womenz need to learn their place
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vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth  SSHOLEPosts: 4415 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 00:51 |
It's funny how often people ask me this question. Fortunately, I have what I think is a good answer. There are probably holes in it, and this is just the forum in which to flesh out those oversights.
Like any good crime, murder is worth planning out beforehand and really cleaning up after. In the meantime, if you're tight on the checkbook, you may well fuk yourself over, so get ready to shoot the moon.
1. First, obtain a false identity -- maybe two. Arrange with your boss to come in over the weekend and get a lot of work done and then double-up for a week beforehand so you have an alibi. Alternatively, come up with some way that people can vouch for your presence during the murder and bodystash without you having to do some kind of sitcom back-and-forth hocus-pocus. Use cash to pay for a bus-trip to your nearest big city (even if you already live in one), and buy the following at separate stores, again with cash: heavy-duty chains, some kind of locking mechanism to bind the chains at the ends, industrial-weight canvas, and then steal some cinder blocks off a construction site. Do all this under an assumed identity so there's no way to connect you with any of these purchase.
2. Murder.
3. Stash the body somewhere safe for a few hours. You can just dump it in a warehouse if you want to get caught in a few weeks. Take another cash bus-trip to a different city and rent a car under the assumed identity. Drive back and get the body. Drive to the coast. Don't speed. If you get pulled over, have the fake ID ready and make sure the body in your trunk is dead and not rotting too bad and not about to scream for help.
4. Once you hit the water's edge, steal or rent a boat. Take it as far out into the water as you possibly can. Wrap the body in the canvas. Canvas will allow water in to erode the body and allow crabs and sea monsters to consume it. (You may want to burn off all fingerprints with acid or flame, and crush the teeth and skull to avoid conventional fingerprinting. I dunno.) Wrap the canvassed body very tightly in the chains, making sure to lock them up tight. Loop the chains through the cinderblocks in a distributed fashion so the body is weighed down at the ends and middle. What you have now is a body shape heavy enough to sink to the bottom and not come up. If you tied everything right, even as the body parts detach, they'll stay inside the weighted-down bag until eroded and/or consumed by creatures.
5. Now reverse all your travel, making sure there's nothing to connect your name or face with each vehicle or location.
6. I think that's pretty much it. You are now free to rock.
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To win, you must fight not only the creature you encounter; you must fight the most horrible thing that can be constructed from its corpse. |
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cthulu
Tender vittles Posts: 11 Registered: 10/28/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 00:57  |
you see thats the way to do it, clear and concise i get to the liquorand i lose sight of the goal, very well put sir |
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position!  SSHOLEPosts: 1896 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 01:06 |
Stay away from peat moss bogs... the bog will mummify the remains which could eventually lead back to you!
Also it is advisable that there be no blood or body fluid in the house... spillage can be cleaned... but good gawd the luminol can pick that shit up months later even after it has been cleaned.
Instead of planning a murder, also known as premeditation which is punishable by death in many states that still practice the death penalty... Why not just dispose of her by dumping her off onto someone else. Get her a BF, and then before you know it she is all up into someone else and not your problem any more! Then you can get a happy little
D I V O R C E and go about your merry way and talk about how your X was a total bitch from hell and cheated on you and made your life a living hell and all the chicks will fell sorry for your ass and then give you a sympathy fuck!
[Edited on 28/4/2004 by Dumbskull]
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azron123
I can break you with my mind. Watch, I'll do it.  SSHOLEPosts: 1505 Registered: 3/6/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 01:20 |
If you plan on dumping her in the water make sure that you slash open her guts. Other wise the decomposition gasses will give her a neutral bouyancy and cement blocks or not she'll drift home.
Burial is a good alternative. Especially if you have a place that won't be disturbed. My favorite is to dig into a fresh grave and plant her in someone elses worm farm.
Neatness counts here. The police hate neat criminals so it pays to be one.
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If you give a man a fire you keep him warm for one night.
If you set him on fire you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
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LuckyLuciano
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 364 Registered: 9/7/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 02:17 |
Ok, you have asked the right person barch. Now, Im guessing you want it done quickly and to make it look like some sort of accidental death. Animals are really one of the best ways of disposing of the body.
First, it all depends on where you live and the person that you want to kill. If you live in hicksville, like sexninja, buy about 12 big male pigs, and starve them for about a week or two. Now, the number of pigs you buy really depends on the size of the pigs and the size of the dead body. 12 pigs can eat about 160lbs of man meat. They eat the bones and everything, but you will probably want to cut off the hands and pull out the teeth, just to make sure.
Then of course, if you have access to them, bigger animals can always eat more out of your wife. Bears, alligators, wolves, etc. If you have them, bears are the best bet. One can probably eat your wife, so its obviously faster than the pigs. Although, it takes some knowledge about the bears in your local area. You cant really just leave her body out in the woods. But, dropping her body in the vicinity of a family of bears will do the job nicely.
Now, if you are going to use animals to dispose of her, death by asphyxiation is probably the best bet. It doesnt leave any obvious marks that will be left after a large animal gets done eating her. Try to stay away from fiber wire and stuff like that, it leaves a big mark and you could actually cut her up, causing a bloody mess that isnt easy to clean up.
Of course, I know dozens of other ways to kill someone and hide the body, but this way seems to have the fewest amount of problems if you know what you are doing. However, you cant really trust animals, so there will always be some sort of risk.
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position! SSHOLEPosts: 1896 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 02:59 |
OKay you realize that if anything happens to the old ball and chain... and you are a suspect and anyone decided to take a look at your computer and your computer activity... dude you are sooo busted!
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SexNinja
the illest nigga SSHOLEPosts: 1517 Registered: 10/28/2007 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 03:06 |
Bunch of fuking morons, the whole lot 'o ya.
Sexniger Productions Proudly Presents:
"How to MurderKill a Person and Dispose Of their Body".
First, rent a boat. Use someone else's credit card. Steal it if you have to. Once you have the boat, acquire a large amount of bleach and other strong cleaners. Then, acquire a large steel box, the heavier the better. Get a pair of 100-pound (each) dumbells. Change this weight accordingly if you are killing a fatass. Then get a saw. Then get a small .38 caliber pistol, NOT a semi-auto. You need a revolver.
After you do all this, lure the subject onto the boat. Drive to shark-infested waters. The more sharkey they are, the better. Now, you must get the subject to the side or back of the boat. Once they're there, put a bullet in their head. Hopefully, the body will slump half-way over the side. If not, place it in that position. Then remove the head from the body with the saw. The head has the bullet (evidence) in it, and must be lost forever. After you cut the head off, place it, along with the saw, in the large metal box. Drop the box overboard. Take the gun apart. Drive a few hundred yards away and then throw the gun pieces over the side, one at a time.
The body now needs taken care of. Put a life vest on it, but rip it up. Use chains to attach the weights to the body. Throw it overboard. The sharks/sea life should take care of it.
Now use the cleaners all over the boat and yourself. Do not skimp on them. Throw the empty containers overboard.
Get as far away from the area as possible. Compose yourself.
Make a "frantic" radio call. Say that the person has fallen overboard, and was swept away from the boat before you, who were piloting it, could react. You have been looking for her/him all over the place, but with no luck. Be sure to mention something about the sharks. Ask them to send help. The more crying, the better. With any luck, the body won't be found and you'll be ok. If it is, you probably fuked up and you're on your own. |
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position! SSHOLEPosts: 1896 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 04:11  |
Must dilute the bleach with sea water... or else the smell of the bleach on the desk is going to smell suspicious. Also might bee a good idea to have a bucket of bloody chum parts lying around...but... why call for help if you are going to go to all of the trouble to disguise ID? A planned deep sea fishing might be a better story than to go to all of the trouble fake ID's. You guys have no clue about cleaners and blood. Bleach might clean up the blood, but the luminal will still detect the blood proteins that were spilled. And if you use hydrogen peroxide.... bad choice too that will also give a false positive on a Luminol. And if there is any spec trace of blood on deck... still busted. Best to push them over board into the shark infested waters... save the bullet for blowing your own brain out when you are so racked with guilt over the heinous act you have done!
Luminol is also widely used as a chemiluminescent reagent, but unlike the peroxyoxalate systems does not require an organic/mixed solvent system. The chemiluminescent emitter is a "direct descendent" of the oxidation of luminol (or an isomer like isoluminol) by an oxidant in basic aqueous solution. Probably the most useful oxidant is also hydrogen peroxide similar to peroxyoxalate chemiluminescence; however, other oxidants have been used such as perborate, permanganate (Lu and Lu, 1992), hypochlorite (Cunningham et al., 1998), and iodine (Seitz, 1981). If the fuel is luminol, the emitting species is 3-aminophthalate (see below); however, luminol-derivatized analytes allow for determination of compounds that would not normally chemiluminescence in this system and presumably have slightly different emitters (Edwards et al., 1995; Kawasaki et al., 1985; Lippman, 1980; Nakazone et al., 1992; Pontén et al., 1996).
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azron123
I can break you with my mind. Watch, I'll do it. SSHOLEPosts: 1505 Registered: 3/6/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 04:55 |
True Story. Luminol has put a lot of people away.
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If you give a man a fire you keep him warm for one night.
If you set him on fire you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
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Stump
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 310 Registered: 6/18/2002 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 07:50 |
As Richard Craft learned a woodchipper ain't the way to do it. Vas was pretty close to having it, but instead of a tarp use a fishing net and disguise the body as a dolphin. Then you can claim you out trolling and they just got caught and died before you could free them. No, really the net will allow crabs and other sea scavangers to get to the body more readily. You'll also want to pull all the teeth and distribute them in a wide variety of places that they won't be found. |
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position! SSHOLEPosts: 1896 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 08:22 |
While finger prints, teeth and dental records are the usual fast and dirty was to ID human remains... it is NOT the only way ID's are done. DNA research into a national data base... if the individual was in the military into he last 10 years his/her DNA is in the data base, as is any other convicted asshole. No head, no teeth, there is always other identifying marks and scars, like tats and surgical implants, pins, etc. Human remains just bones, I can age and sex those in a second Sometimes, depending on bone density and muscle attachment sites around certain bones a decent forensic anthropologists might be able to give a good description of the occupation. And once the body is ID’d it is just a matter of minutes before Quincy is on your ass like stink on shit! Don’t like the old hag… trade her in and upgrade to a new faster sleeker lower maintenance model… and let someone else deal with her bull shit! Unless you would prefer to spend the rest of your life in as the cell block bitch….
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Easier to get into than a community college. |
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mudvayne_69_69_69
Pride of Canadia  Posts: 979 Registered: 6/19/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 11:47 |
Plain and simple is the only way to go...hire a professional. It's the easiest, and least likely way to get back to you...
MUD |
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barch97
DARTH MENSES Posts: 588 Registered: 6/18/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 12:42 |
whew...
false alarm.
But, good to know I've got a crew of professionals watching teh barch's back.
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Lefen
I think Clavis wins my heart <3  SSHOLEPosts: 896 Registered: 9/16/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 12:48 |
You can get rid of that pesky DNA evidence by spraying a solution of DNaseI over the crime scene.
Although, you'd still have all the other forensic stuff to worry about (blood, semen, clothing fibres, hairs etc..).
[Edited on 28/4/2004 by Lefen]
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< barfass> hey, fuck your crumpets, postman pat |
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azron123
I can break you with my mind. Watch, I'll do it. SSHOLEPosts: 1505 Registered: 3/6/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 13:42 |
barch97: whew...
false alarm.
But, good to know I've got a crew of professionals watching teh barch's back.
Next time you have a problem with Mrs Barch just cut her off foe a couple weeks. Eventually she'll apologize and promise to do better and bring you flowers.
Women have been doing it to us for thousands of years. Maybe they should get some of it back.
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If you give a man a fire you keep him warm for one night.
If you set him on fire you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
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mundhra
dread pirate neckbeard  SSHOLEPosts: 1620 Registered: 3/25/2002 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:00 |
the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to not have a detectible motive. if you're never a suspect, you never have to worry.
yeah, i know, killing bums isn't that fun. bummer.
forensic evidence is an absolute bitch; it's almost a given that you will leave multiple hairs/fibers. a long-distance approach always appealed to me.
while milking cows for a summer, i made note of the cesspool that they push the liqui-shits of the cows (they poop ALOT) into. every once in a while they drain it down, but never the whole way. i'd imagine the organisms in there could do a number on soft tissues, but i don't know for sure. |
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BloodyBowels
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 265 Registered: 3/29/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:27 |
I've always been a proponent of Murder Site should match dump site. No forensics in your house/car. Its also a definite that you would need to buy some clothes with cash from a salvation army from a couple towns over to dump after the murder. dump = burn. Hi honey how about a nice romantic picnic by the swamp?
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The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it. . . . Knife and pain are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient.- Dr. Alfred Velpeau (1839) |
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BloodyBowels
SENATOR BABYHEAD Posts: 265 Registered: 3/29/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:28 |
Although I do think the ld hunting accident makes for a terrific excuse. Or if you really had balls you would just unbuckle her seatbelt and pull out into traffic with her on the passenger side and take a pickup broadside into the passenger door. You've got to give to get.
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The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it. . . . Knife and pain are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient.- Dr. Alfred Velpeau (1839) |
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mudvayne_69_69_69
Pride of Canadia Posts: 979 Registered: 6/19/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:32 |
Thats actually a good idea, but a train might be more fun for all...
MUD |
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Lefen
I think Clavis wins my heart <3 SSHOLEPosts: 896 Registered: 9/16/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:35 |
Suffocate her during sex and claim it was a kinky game gone horribly wrong? Anyone know of a legal precident for that one?
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< barfass> hey, fuck your crumpets, postman pat |
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barch97
DARTH MENSES Posts: 588 Registered: 6/18/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 16:45 |
a'ight back off...
"FALSE ALARM"
you guys are scaring me
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mudvayne_69_69_69
Pride of Canadia Posts: 979 Registered: 6/19/2003 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 17:23 |
Hey, you started it, and you know what we're like...you asked for it. There's no stopping us now.
MUD |
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position! SSHOLEPosts: 1896 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 18:19  |
False alarm? You know deep down in that little black heart of yours that she is going to get all bitchified again in a day or two and poor little Barchie is going to be beside himself about how he ever got himself pussy whipped and tied to a cunt like her and what he can do to saw off that ball and chain? And you are going to come back and read all of these wonderful tips and ideas again and thank all of your gods for having such wonderful caring and demented friends like us!
[Edited on 28/4/2004 by Dumbskull]
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HOBO
* b0bo has quit IRC ('Exit')  SSHOLEPosts: 1117 Registered: 3/19/2002 Offline
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4/28/2004 at 18:25 |
After you murder her you should parade her corpse at the local ice cream shop and scream" Mommy loves a tart!" At least you would get 2 minutes of fame.
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" I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." ~Spock~
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