LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache   SSHOLE |
Posts: 1609 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 14:20 |
It’s official, I’m a hater.
Last night Steel and I went to see the shitpile that is Indy 4.
I hate this movie so much I want to harness the power of the internet to fuel my hate into an all-encompassing thing.
This is the place where you list the things you hate about the new Indiana Jones Movie.
I’ll go first:
-Shia leBEEF or whateverthefuck his name was poorly cast.
-Cate Blanchett couldn’t hold an accent for more than 2 lines of dialogue.
-William Hurt plays a retard for most of the film.
-Marion, that semi-uggo love interest from the first movie is now old, full-blown ugly and apparently spent the last 20 yrs working at Dennys (as in not acting).
-Indy finds a magnetic bullshit in a warehouse full of boxes by throwing up handfuls of gunpowder and watching the “metal in the gunpowder” float through the air. Gunpowder is made of sulfur, charcoal and potassium nitrate.
-Crystal skulls are magnetic, sort of, and only magnetic when it serves to develop the plot.
-Fucking magnets, wtf? This movie should have been INDIANA JONES AND THE FRIDGE MAGNET.
-Indiana survives a nuclear ground zero buy hiding in a fridge, and survives a meat pulping impact with the ground after being propelled hundreds of feet in the air, IN THE FUCKING (non-airbag equipped) FRIDGE.
-Amphibious WW2 “duck” car survives 3 plummets over waterfalls.
-Tarzan (you will know this when you see it, and it will blow your mind at how goddam stupid this is).
-Monkeys to the rescue (see above).
Ok that’s enough, your turn,
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LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache SSHOLEPosts: 1609 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 14:21 |
Oh one more
-Snake rope
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Steel
If you want to keep your tongue, don't lick me in the Winter!  SSHOLEPosts: 487 Registered: 10/14/2004 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 14:35 |
Why are guys always waiting in the walls when Indy gets to a temple? Do these guys get advanced warning and hurry into position?
How do the bad guys always know which temple staircase Indy will walk out of thus allowing them to capture him?
How many fucking trap doors / switches / secret rooms has Indy been in and the fucking retard is walking around the entrance to the big city touching the walls and Indy is like "What are you looking for old man?" Fuck...
Indy throws whip to save old friend who is just laying on ground, moments before getting sucked into vortex... Hey buddy! Get up and stand on the stairs with Indy, where I guess the giant sucking vortex has no power because Indy is OK with not holding onto anything and still doesn't get sucked away... |
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SexNinja
the illest nigga  SSHOLEPosts: 1517 Registered: 10/28/2007 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 14:59 |
Hell yes, I fuckin knew it.
The trailer reminded me of that Ford/Hartnett buddy-cop abortion a few years back.
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HAMFIGHTER>He shrugged, and started finishing himself off, on my breasts, while I was crying. |
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mundhra
dread pirate neckbeard  SSHOLEPosts: 1618 Registered: 3/25/2002 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 17:29 |
i'm anticipating being severely disappointed by this. when i was young, i wanted to be indy. :frowntown:
also, i had the hots for marion. (WE CAN'T ALL BE PERFECT)
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But the whole of modern so-called civilized existence is an attempt to deny reality insofar as it exists. When did Don last look at the stars, when did Norman last get soaked in a rainstorm? |
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Gothmog
busy lil bee bzz bzz bzz!  SSHOLEPosts: 195 Registered: 12/12/2003 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 18:02 |
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Fuck. I guess this went from definitely seeing it this weekend to watching it some weeknight.
No time for love, Dr. Jones.
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"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant |
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shitbox
my balls your chin, get used to that idea  SSHOLEPosts: 914 Registered: 1/9/2005 Offline
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5/23/2008 at 18:48 |
I give it a 78%...(which after seeing the sneak preview and checking rotten tomatoes, that is what the sum of 200+ critics came up with).
My beef wasn't with the outlandish "yeah right" physical stunts(I enjoyed the fridge scene), but with the story as a whole. I thought that Jesus was supposed to be resurrected or something for Spielberg and Ford to make another one. This was pretty lame...I mean, an acrylic fucking A*%#@n skull? FTW!?
I knew we were in trouble when, before the title credits even finished rolling, we saw a Jar-Jar binks, in the form of a fagit fucking CGI gopher!
This Jar-Jar re-incarnate makes another appearance later on in the movie. It drove me batty! Thats what you get for letting Lucas write your movie.
Upside is a couple cool car chase scenes and damn good camera work, but really, I mean COME THE FUCK ON, do you have to swing by vines tarzan style at a speed faster or equal to a speeding jeep?!
Or how about a sword fight straddling 2 speeding jeeps while driving through the Amazon?
Whatever, its worthing watching then you can semi-like it like me or hate it, like LK....(who probably liked spiderman so watch out!)
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"Kill him! Kill the fuckin' indian! What am I watching here two fuckin' fags!?"
Rodney Dangerfield as Ed Wilson
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tantrum
I'm a big boy now!  SSHOLEPosts: 473 Registered: 11/23/2003 Offline
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5/24/2008 at 00:49 |
Soooo this is the hate thread, yeah? I guess I don't have much to add in that regard, I didn't hate any of it. That being said, I didn't love it much of it either.
Reading them now, I can agree with much of the criticisms stated above but I didn't find myself dwelling them during the movie. I tried to divorce myself from my 34 year old brain before the theater lights went out and I guess I succeeded a bit.
I probably went in with low expectations so I wouldn't be disappointed. I felt bitterly betrayed by the last three Star Wars movies and now I wrap myself in a faggot cloak of numbness before I deal with Lucas movies.
Go see Iron Man, if you haven't already. |
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Lownotes
They all float down here.  SSHOLEPosts: 180 Registered: 4/23/2005 Offline
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5/24/2008 at 15:05 |
Everything Kahuna said...and:
Nothing happens between Indy and his son and Marion to motivate you to reinvest in the characters. No one ever seems in danger, nothing ever seems to be at stake.
The same goes for the antagonists - they never convince me that I should feel anything but boredom when they talk. When the main bad guys finally gets offed, it was silly and uninteresting.
I would let all the special effects tomfoolery go (like I did in Last Crusade) if I had given a shit about the characters. If there seemed to be a fucking point to all this swashbuckling. |
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nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint  SSHOLEPosts: 811 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
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5/24/2008 at 23:40 |
the bad:
way way way too much cgi
hamfisted references to earlier films in the series
wooden acting
insanely boring and stupid exposition
now, the series has always been unbelievable -- he drinks from the holy grail, he finds the ark of the covenant which melts the faces off of nazis, etc -- but come on. the fridge, the vine swinging (fighting monkeys?), the sword fight (why?), the ants that carry people away, riding an amphibious vehicle down three waterfalls. none of it was very clever or particularly exciting.
shia "the beef" labouef was not bad, acting wise, but was otherwise kind of annoying and not really well written as a character. why the fuck is this dude in every movie?
the marriage. who had any desire to see that? it felt awfully tacked on, almost as an afterthought.
the movie just really doesn't stand on its own as a separate entity, while the first three, in my opinion, do. that's very important.
cate blanchett was sort of a terrible villain.
the good:
the motorcycle chase was pretty decent, the first action sequence in the warehouse was pretty good too.
in fact, up until the stupid fridge, i was thinking it was pretty good.
it's more hate than love, but i thought it was decent. i was mildly entertained for two hours.
it may cloud my judgment that iron man was a really decent film, let alone a "superhero" film. so going from iron man last week to this was kind of a letdown. |
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metatron
Fighting The Good Fight ™  SSHOLEPosts: 468 Registered: 4/12/2002 Offline
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5/25/2008 at 16:10 |
I didn't really hate it. It was definitely the worst of the series, but I was entertained. They basically blew away what little "reality" existed in the previous films.
Maybe it's been too long since I've seen the first three, but I tried to enjoy this one and not compare it. *shrugs* However, I can see how purists hate it.
Seriously though, Indy surviving a nuke blast inside a lead-lined fridge? That shit was AWESOME.
Ok, now I just want to rant for a second on George Lucas and how everything he touches within the last 10 years turns to total airbrushed horse shit. I just don't like the "look" of LucasFilm stuff these days - it's just too soft and over-exposed. OH, and did we really need CGI gophers?
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"it's water out of your body" - vasudeva |
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position!  SSHOLEPosts: 1894 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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5/26/2008 at 04:08 |
I have not seen the movie so I do not wish to read the spoilers. I am a hell of a lot more edgeahmacated than I was 27 years ago when the 1st Indy flick came out so I am sure I will be rolling my eyes back in head when I do see it, especially in the anthropology/archaeology BS scenes.
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Easier to get into than a community college. |
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PutaMadre
Tender vittles  Posts: 4 Registered: 1/24/2008 Offline
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6/1/2008 at 01:59  |
Shit! I just saw this last night. I should have read through this thread 'cause you all nailed everything.
During the tarzan scene I was about to stand up and shout, "Are you FUCKing kidding me!!" But instead I slumped down, sighed and let everyone else have their fun. Yes, there were some retards cheering every stupid stunt.
I loved the first two movies and I was expecting a good show. Duuurrr?!?!? |
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ragoo
We are not amused.  SSHOLEPosts: 650 Registered: 9/4/2004 Offline
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6/2/2008 at 04:52 |
Just came back from seeing it with the wife and daughter. Daughter loved it, but why wouldn't she? She's 10 and there was lots of action and guys getting devoured by ants. Plus, although she's seen the previous installments on DVD, she doesn't have the same nostalgic connection we older folk have. As for my wife, she can toss in her two cents in this thread if she cares to, but I think we're pretty much in agreement.
This piece of shit sequel confirmed my worst fears. Seriously we need to lock Spielberg and Lucas in a refrigerator and launch them into the sun or something, because they've become recklessly drunk with power. And that's the power to turn stuff to shit, which ain't the good kind of power. What an absolute travesty! What a horrific insult to a great series of movies!
Some posters commented something to the effect that whatever tenuous plausibility the other movies had was shot to hell in this movie. I agree, but there's one word everyone previous has failed to mention:
Aliens.
And not the fucking aliens that cut lawns, I mean full-on stereotypical aliens with the almond-shaped eyes and spindly legs. Space aliens underpin this whole shit-soaked misadventure. I mean it might have been worth a laugh at the beginning of the film. "Hey, that box says 'Roswell, NM' on it and it's weirdly magnetic LOL." But Spielberg doesn't end it there. He develops what should have been a throwaway gag into one of the most preposterous plot engines ever.
And it was as confusing as all fuck too. Halfway though I'm asking myself "where are they going?" "They're trying to return the skull to where?" "Who said that? Ox? Who the hell is Ox?"
And what the hell was with the Indy-meets-Han Solo moment: "I've got a bad feeling about this..." ?
I could go on for awhile, but what's the point? Let someone else point out any of the scores of other absurdities, continuity problems or acts of artistic rape that went on for nearly three hours. I'm done, and I seriously want to forget this movie ever happened.
This movie is the Galactica 1980 of all Indiana Jones films.
On 2008-06-02 at 01:22:40, ragoo asked to smell your dick
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tantrum
I'm a big boy now! SSHOLEPosts: 473 Registered: 11/23/2003 Offline
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6/2/2008 at 05:41 |
Yeah.
Fuck it.
Sex and the City **hearts** thread HIJACKS this bitch. |
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vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth  SSHOLEPosts: 4398 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
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8/18/2008 at 14:19 |
I'm late to this game. Having just seen it last night, I can say I could have waited another three months to see it.
- Aliens. What the holy fuck.
- Cheap-looking alien skull. (Aliens? What the fuck.)
- I love Cate Blanchett and this role was like watching her put a shotgun to her mouth and fire lukewarm dogshit all over her gorgeous face. Her outfit looked like one of those cheap costume-pajama sets they sell to parents of stupid children at Wal-Mart.
- Mac the friend/traitor/friend/traitor telegraphing his "guys, I'm about to go traitor" stance with giant flareguns and a megaphone
- The gay 'atomic age' angle. Don't fuck with this part of the formula. I don't want to see a 115-year-old Indy bullwhipping breakdancers outside the record store or shooting Harlem Globetrotter gangsters in 'Indiana Jones V, Back To The Future'.
- Marion reprising her role as a dippy, frumpy hausfrau who will contentedly fall right back in love with Daddy Jones after a one-liner in the back of a truck
- The buddy/father-son angle. Shia Lebeef was pretty OK elsewhere in lesser contexts, but jesus fuck, one thing this franchise doesn't need inserted is whoever's hot with the kiddies right now. You could argue the holy grail had buddy-movie elements but the buddy was Sean Connery, who never needs to explain himself -- not yesterweek's blockbuster-chum.
- The lighting was comic booky and neat in some parts but in others looked like the lighting you see in museum recreations of like caveman habitats or whatever. (Actually, this is sadly fitting.)
- The whole shit was plodding and clunky. I kept feeling like someone was grabbing my head and going LOOK, LOOK RIGHT THERE, THAT'S WHERE THE PLOT POINT IS, DO YOU SEE IT? WE'LL PLAY IT AGAIN IN 4, 12 AND 50 SECONDS IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SEE IT.
- The wedding.
- The queer "oh will there be a passing of the torch?" moment with the hat after the wedding.
- Speaking of which, he looked fucking old. Retire, you puffy-faced ancient. Either that or start doing decent films again. "Decent films" doesn't include those Tom Clancy smart-beach-reading government-conspiracy polisci exercises that allow you to sleepwalk through your dotage.
- Ugh, I had forgotten about the Tarzan scene.
- Stupid meanface alien grimace taking out poor Cate Blanchett in a move rife with WWF-revenge sperm.
In short, fuck basically all of it.
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mundhra: And its crocobody is made of dile. |
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