It's that time of year. We've been looking forward to this since the fan expo film last year. I drove up to Canada last weekend, and then Steel and Kahuna and I drove up to Toronto to take in the freakshow. (I brought up the terrible shirts I had made, and they turned out to be not so bad, though I'm still making more. I didn't give any away. Will post about that elsewhere.)
Kahuna did the interviewing, Steel did the filming, and I walked around with a camera looking for cool shit. Eventually I discovered that taking pictures of scantily-clad anime dorksluts was the best thing going. It was on my birthday, too, so it's a turn of events that I refuse to acknowledge any shame in.
Roll the photos.
:/
>8D
This little guy here really says it all. He's got the red swirly on his cheek from Saw. He, himself, is capturing the nuttiness on his cellphone.
Heading in.
General humans. These tend to orient toward cameras. The fan expo is not for the shy ones.
Technically, we didn't really have to lie to get these, but I still feel like we're pulling a fast one on somebody. I pinned mine on my shorts and am twisting it around for the shot so technically speaking you will probably never be closer to my testicles. Breathe deeply, for this is the finest DNA you will ever aspirate.
Setting up in the press room.
Little row of counter-cultural individuals, happily consuming things like Mountain Dew and Cheetos and pointing out oddball humans.
The first of the dork hotties. Sexy nuns or something. The one on the left had the fuxing BOOBIES.
Star Wars douches.
Ass thereon. Little diddly-bopper head-boners kinda ruins it for me personally; YMMV.
Counter-strike competition. Evidently you have to qualify somewhere to play on these. We ran into a wierd little couple that had qualified, and they explained how it worked, but I'll be damned if I can remember a word they said.
First interview candidate. That t-shirt kind of impressed me at first, cause it had sponsors on it, til I tried to go to the URL, which not only doesn't exist, it never did in any fashion that I can find. They have a myspace page but it's poo.
The Black Bastard, a highlight from last year's filming. This guy was actually cool when not in character, which I hadn't expected, because black people are usually belligerent criminals who just want your dollars.
Ah, chainmetal girl. I appreciate her derring-do here, despite the flaws; of all the contestants in the dork hottie-off, she was the easiest to mentally edit out her clothing and enjoy a bit of random naked hooker.
Savage bandito! This guy remembered Kahuna and Steel from last year and was definitely into getting more camera time. He had a girl with him who we never quite figured out, but she was shy. If we could have prepared for this dude, I would like to have shown him pictures of that Tothian super-jerkoff and his ilk, to get his reaction.
Kahuna almost got this. It was $20 but the booth faggot was elsewhere.
These guys make some wierd fuking comics.
Sadly, the camera turned out to be on "Shittiest Possible Quality" setting and none of us noticed, but this is one highlight of their comic book covers.
Indie film group cross-pollination going on. These guys had a couple things out. We were supposed to hook up with them later and booze but it never quite panned out.
Har! Har! Our hands goes down, them are all vrooOOOOM and such! [AIRPLANE NOISE]
Kahuna found edged weapons, as Kahuna is wont to do. This guy had a whole rack of real metal killing items, some of which were actually kinda cool.
For those con-goers that A) identify with either of the Transformers factions, B) are proud to also be Canadian, and C) want people to know facts A and B.
Chainmetal girl again.
Little gaggle of ^_^)s outside the exhibition room proper.
Pinkiemop had a free "draw you as an anime character" thing going.
Steel paid some bucks to jump to the head of the line and pinkiemop gets down to biznass.
I don't have a picture of the final output, though it made it to the movie, I believe. Luckily, you don't need a picture. Just imagine a generic male anime character, and that was her animization of Kahuna. No wonder it's free.
Whores.
Sweet costumes.
Top-hat guy from last year's filming. Seems especially dapper, and blue. If you have a child go missing or lose a chomp out of its arm or it gets molested, this guy is your #1 best bet for the suspect.
Someone filming box guy interview Savage Bandito.
Oh my, the Baroness.
The Baroness gots it going on like Wal-Mart's video games section.
And the BOOBIES.
Kahuna makes peepee.
Wierd kind of impromptu pathetic faux-rumble outside. These were essentially a series of photo ops. Actually, I guess this whole event was a series of photo ops.
OK, this guy was insane. I hope the film of it comes out good because I'll never be able to describe what a sincere freak this kid was. He had this little schtick about how he had the most chi in the world (30 chi) (#2 chi in the world was his cousin, at 23 chi) and could thus punch steel (the substance, not the swarmer). He demonstrated by gingerly punching the steel pole and then waiting for us to look impressed. I humored him. He kept looking at his watch every couple seconds. Kahuna and Steel both have 0 chi. I have 1 chi. People with 0 chi have a shield, or are shields, or something. (Haha, I win chi.)
Chi is evidently like the Midichlorians from Star Trek, I mean Star Wars, only that's fake movie stuff and this is real.
So this conversation went on for a while, with him bouncing back and forth between reality and "I believe in magic" world, and then he did Haiduken for us, which you can see here. Then he went away and we were ultimately glad to finish it only he didn't get enough and came back, repeat x4. Then he followed us inside and did a Smeagol impression for us. Then he did a Yoda impression for us. Both were laughably bad. Then he wanted to do his Optimus Prime impression for us and Kahuna said "no" and the kid said "ok bye" and that was that.
Honestly, I still don't know if this kid believed it or not, which is perhaps why I found him so compelling. Also, I was kind of curious about how he'd pull off Optimus Prime even while knowing the answer would be 'terribly'.
The Free Hug line. These chicks were giving out free hugs. Kahuna indulged them.
And indulged them.
And whoa, they're not all chicks, beef surprise. Kahuna got a free hug off this dude. And also free AIDS by osmosis. Hope you enjoy them, puto.
He promptly made up for it by hanging out with hot gook sluts.
Let's get down to brass tacks. This shit makes my sperms hurt.
Oh look, anorexia!
Oh, so it isn't anorexia but something more congenital. Fair enough.
Yaoi kid and friends start an impromptu dance-off out of nowhere.
"Look guys, it's Sexninja's old avatar, woot."
This dude is trying to bite my style.
Yeah, it's that chick. Adrienne Barbeau.
Kahuna got these two rollersluts to circle him, like the centerpiece to a big magical fountain surrounded by whirling whores.
More rollersluts.
Adam West.
The line to see Malcolm McDowell was hours long, and the "photo ops" were $40 for Tricia Helfer and so probably more for this dude, so I went around to the side and got a shot of him and George Romero. It's really too bad Mr. McDowell has agreed to play in every goddamned thing ever produced by the SciFi channel, no matter how shitty. He's diluted his own brand.
OMG, LITTLE BOOTS, HOW IMS DAT WATER?
The last guy in the "come get your autographs, $20" line is Jonathan Frakes, Captain Riker of Star Trek Next Generation. We're moving past that area into the food court behind, and as we hove alongside Mr. Jonathan Frakes, Kahuna goes "OMFG IT'S JONATHAN FRAKES" and Jonathan Frakes and his publicist or armed guard or shoulder to cry on or whatever turn around and Jonathan Frakes laughs this big uneasy sad-eyed laugh, like he knows how absurd a figure his own self is, and I am moved to actually feel sympathy for him. Then Kahuna notices he's wearing no shoes and he and Steel regroup and film a quick snippet of big sad absurd Jonathan Frakes shilling for money at the freak expo with no shoes on. Then we decide the hotdogs or whatever are way too goddamned expensive and go away.
Dork-hoes just rocking out underneath the escalator.
DURP I AM JUST SOME GUY, LOL?
Silent Hill kid. He had little stilts inside his window-shade skirt. This would be cooler if he had made it all himself. Also, I didn't realize why the dude's sword in the movie was so big, but it was made clear to me that it comes from anime or manga or whatever, and is obviously of the "ridiculously giant stupid fuking faggot sword" school of thought.
We've been spotted.
This guy actually said "I could tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya" in response to a question Kahuna asked him. I've come to the realization recently that that phrase is a personal litmus test I have on whether or not I can feel comfortable immediately considering someone a worthless bag of flesh, and this kid did nothing to disprove the notion. He did, however, put on a spirited mock battle with his friend. They would agree on strategy before each clinch.
"We both die. We both die."
"What?"
"We hit, then we both fall down."
"Oh, OK!"
(They hit, then fall down.)
Why do these people exist?
Little media slut.
This guy had on a long cat t-shirt, which we found lolsome on any number of occasions. I wanted to interview him because I had a hunch he'd bolt halfway through but we never saw him again.
EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN
BLING$
We're at the climax of the event, the masquerade. This is the big event everyone spends 5 hours dressing up for and 3 minutes rehearsing their skits.
:AWKWARD:
There was a guy there shaving chihuahuas.
If you see fire, you should run away from it. Not toward it, but directly into the opposite direction of the fire. If in doubt, remember this handy phrase: "fire at my back, freedom up my face". If, on the other hand, death is your goal, then simply reverse the directions offered by this sign, so that your face is pointed into the flames, and then continue running until char.
This picture sucks, but this dude looked just like Jack Bauer, so we took this for meta and waited for nigger to come back through so we could get a real picture but he never did. Seriously, he looked just like Jack Bauer, only skinnier.
From the front row, back.
Again.
Again again.
Hmmm, what's this business?
I seem optimistic about it.
O NO, YELLOW PERIL SPOTS US, FIRE ZE NAPALM CANNONS
This was kind of an interesting little thing. The "official" cameras preparing to film the event played over the audience and the audience, seeing the output of the camera in real-time on the overhead projector, would do goofy shit with each other through the camera. Kind of a neat little spontaneous disorganized community entertainment thing.
It was about this time that certain things clicked. You see, a small Andre the Giant and his little Asian helper monkey had decided to sit directly behind us. As it turns out, not only does this guy look like Andre the Giant, and not only does he sound like Andre the Giant, he also has Down's syndrome or something. This is quickly made clear by his huge screams of laughter at just about anything, and his bounteous enthusiasm for everything happening on-stage. Andre thought this impromptu puppet theater was simply to die for.
Stormtroopers get fresh.
No fruit convention is complete without a full showing by about 1600 Star Wars fanatics. This was kind of cool, if also somewhat sad.
The first of the contestants. It's about this point that I realize the only way I'm going to get out of this with my sanity is to break down and just shoot all the pussy I can find. This is not some of it.
This is some of it. Hot little photographer bint, despite the crooked Frenchmouth.
Pussy.
Nintendo controller chick.
Around this point a couple very dumb things happened and when one of them ended Andre screams "THAT WAS AMAZING!". I'll let you wait for the film to see just how dumb these things were. They were very, very dumb.
This chick. Oh, this chick.
So that yaoi-for-hire kid from earlier found himself a dance partner who gets up and uses gravity to whip her shit around in a manner I found fairly riveting despite myself. kahuna observes that this girl is on her way to an illustrious career as a pole-dancer, and I can't help but agree.
For those that like them brown.
Pussy.
This dude dressed up like the original Doom spacemarine. He was followed out by an old-school basic D&D beholder, and they rocked out to a '50s song you've heard a trillion times. He played air guitar on his laser blaster. It was all very painful. They were a husband-and-wife team.
Princess Leia was kinda gurgh in the face.
But... boobies.
Oh, what's this?
Sexynuns.
Chainmetal girl.
Again.
Killer nurse thing from Silent Hill.
About this point someone did something to make Andre scream "THAT WAS AWESOME!"
OK, by this point, I'm getting kind of punchy and am just taking pictures of anything that wears a vagina. I'd probably take a picture of a shaven kangaroo if it had fish in its pouch.
Snazzy vagina.
Here's Andre the Giant and his little Asian sidekick on their way back to the shelter.
From here, we vamoosed the fuck out and went and chased down as much booze as possible, and I really mean that literally. We ran into a kid from Texas who had deserted. He had 8 months left in the service, and got assigned to Iraq for 6 months, so he just packed his shit and moved north and now scrapes by with bar jobs. I found his cavalier delivery of these facts kind of stunning.
Then we headed over to a very decent little English pub type place where Kahuna demanded we do two shots apiece on account of my birthday, and when the bartender found out, he poured me a "special shot". I've screwed up in this direction before; I was leary of the two shots but willing. That third "special shot" I refused outright, and pouring it out amongst the three of us, it turns out to be 3.5 shots, even with me spilling a bit due to drunkenness, so fuck that guy, and I narrowly avoided blacking out and remembering nothing. We then hung out with a hair-dresser, her ex-homeless boyfriend, and a black Jamaican dude who accused me of doing "some racism shit" because he had overheard me and ex-homeless talking about neo-nazis. I set him straight and we bonked knuckles and then I got out of there before he could slit my throat and take my wallet and use my license to find my home so he could rape my delicious white woman.
Then we went home to the hotel, which had a lobby like a mall.
So... that's that. A fully-fleshed freakshow. My picture-taking is even shittier than usual, but you can see the rest of the images on my gallery here. You've seen most of the good bits, but what you haven't seen is the movie Kahuna and Steel are editing. Look for that within the next few weeks, I hope.
On 2007-08-28 at 14:50:38, vasudeva craps monkey baby
____________________ slippedhole> I am on to you and your evil intentions. I am the true protector of this website and am willing to do battle with you.
very nice. i'm continually dismayed at the amount of hotness found at these things.
____________________ But the whole of modern so-called civilized existence is an attempt to deny reality insofar as it exists. When did Don last look at the stars, when did Norman last get soaked in a rainstorm?
mundhra: very nice. i'm continually dismayed at the amount of hotness found at these things.
Seriously, what the fuck are you guys talking about? Is there some kind of East Coast hotness meter that differs from the rest of the US or civilized world for that matter? So bizzare. That chick photog wasnt bad though.
I can't wait to see the vid.
Looks like yall had fun, you guys should come to S.D. for the ComiCon next year. Maybe Jon and I could meet you there...and maybe he too can join us.
Anything is possible...possibly.
____________________ "Kill him! Kill the fuckin' indian! What am I watching here two fuckin' fags!?"
Rodney Dangerfield as Ed Wilson
shitbox: Is there some kind of East Coast hotness meter that differs from the rest of the US or civilized world for that matter?
Yes.
Chiefly, women here don't tend to compete neck-and-neck in a landscape that treats Hollywood as real via the magic of plastic surgery.
Moreover, I believe in a narrow milieu such as this, there's an expansion of the Office Hottie effect.
____________________ slippedhole> I am on to you and your evil intentions. I am the true protector of this website and am willing to do battle with you.
