Uart
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 1228 Registered: 3/5/2005 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 09:07 |
This is awesome. This is the first pornsite I've found in years that I'd actually advertise to swarmers. When you first load it up, it looks just like every crappy scam site out there, except that it's real. It's huge, it's updated constantly, there's no spam, no popups, and no bullshit -- and it's completely free. When you sign up through that link above and respond to the confirmation email, I make a bit of loose change. See what other swarmers have to say about it. People love this place, so I feel fine about sending you there and am confident you will enjoy boners. The thread below is what brought you here, but chances are by now the images are broken, the passwords don't work, and you can't get shit to load. You're welcome to try, of course, but This is your best bet.
 Don't forget to respond to the confirmation email , or you won't get in, so check your spam filter, pervert. This message is only shown to anonymous peeps coming in from other websites looking for porn. Registered users are not shown any ads here. Now, on to the original post... Ok, so as I often do a 4am, I was casually watching crappy softcore porn on Cinemax while catching up on the news online. In the middle of one horribly-faked sex scene, the funky porn music abruptly stopped, and the following exchange occurred:
Creepy-old-porn-guy: "what's wrong?"
Chick who isn't quite hot enough for real porn, let alone real movies: "uh, nothing."
There was no pull-out, the humping just briefly stopped, skipping a beat for this useless line. Immediately after the whore shut her mouth-hole the funky porn music and awkward fake humping movement resumed full force.
At that point I LAUGHED WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
So, what are your Funniest Porn Moments™ ever? Here are the rules:
1) It can't be a TYPE of porn -- yes midget porn is funny, but that's obvious.
2) It has to be a specific moment in the porn -- a line, an awkward situation or contrived plot twist
3) It can't be a moment inevitable in a specific type of porn. The part of a bukkake where 10 guys ejaculate on the skank is funny, but you expect it.
Ok, that's it. Go!
|
| |
vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth   SSHOLEPosts: 4338 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 15:49 |
We're watching a dumb random average porn about 10 years ago. This ugly chick with a great big shitty white-person permfro is in her house and her husband's leaving for work. Just then a second dude sneaks in the bathroom window and we have our stars. They get on the bed and start doing their shit.
The guy drags her clothes off and starts going down on her. You can see the top of his head and her tits and her face. She's liking it, obviously.
His head is kind of coming way up for cunnilingus, like he's playing some kind of motorboat game with her pussy. She's oohing and aahing. We pan up and see her tits and her face. We pan back down and see the guy going to town blowjobbing her wierd, thin dick.
And that's the good option. The bad option is she had some kind of mangled 5-inch-long beef-jerky clitoris, and this guy thought it was appropriate to suck it like a penis.
This video quickly became attack surprise porn to spring on other people.
____________________
mundhra: And its crocobody is made of dile. |
| |
ghostrider
liberal exit  SSHOLEPosts: 2379 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 15:58 |
I seen this recently.
Two whores sitting on a bed; Blonde:'the client will be here soon' Brunette:'should we show him cunnilingus?' Blonde:'show him the Kegal exercise'.
oy vay
____________________
Kitty was thinking last night that some of the friendships that schnookums've forged here in the last several months are friendships that will last a lifetime. ~ nocal
|
| |
jwalker
Token Discordian  SSHOLEPosts: 933 Registered: 8/6/2005 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 16:04 |
Do stills count?
Chick tied to a tree, evil masked sex-doer with a dildo chocked onto an electric drill.
I thought it was hilarious 
____________________
To the dog who has money, men say "My Lord Dog". |
| |
IMBOLCPunxsutawneyPhil
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 244 Registered: 3/17/2005 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 16:05 |
cameraman
sucky job!
____________________
If you include a null character |
| |
nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint  SSHOLEPosts: 802 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 16:53 |
On Entensity they have strange and awkward porn clips pretty much every update. One I can remember is, this chick is tossing this guy's salad. It's like extreme close-up on this girl's face, with her tongue all over his purple starfish. He farts, right in her mouth. She freaks out and runs off, while he laughs hysterically with the cameraman and half-heartedly tries to convince her to come back to the set. |
| |
Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position!  SSHOLEPosts: 1858 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
|
12/17/2005 at 17:11 |
Yeah, I think that one was swarmed last year.
____________________
I am a fine wine: smooth, full bodied.... goes down easy. |
| |
straydog1980
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 530 Registered: 6/16/2004 Offline
|
12/19/2005 at 15:12 |
i watched a video clip a few years ago that changed my life. Since that time I have incessantly said the word "BOOYAH" and laughed hysterically to myself.
This chick was laying on her neck holding her back up in the air, and this huge black dude is standing over her. All you see at first is his donkey dick in her pussy, and he fucks her for a second then pulls his dick out. Uneventfull enough, right? Well, then this crazy fucker reaches back and grabs hold of his sack and that's when you realize OH FUCK NOES HE'S GOT HIS BALLS IN HER ASS!
In the most pain inducing porn moment evar, you watch as he grabs his sack and pulls his ball slowly out of her asshole. When her balloon knot finally lets free his balls, her but slams closed with a hilarious "POP". Then the black guy stands up and yells "BOOYAH".
ever since, i have spent my time showing this clip to as many people as possible.
____________________
i\'m going to become rich and famous after i invent a
device that allows you to stab people in the face over the
internet |
| |
vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth SSHOLEPosts: 4338 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
|
12/19/2005 at 15:31 |
nocal: On Entensity they have strange and awkward porn clips pretty much every update. One I can remember is, this chick is tossing this guy's salad. It's like extreme close-up on this girl's face, with her tongue all over his purple starfish. He farts, right in her mouth. She freaks out and runs off, while he laughs hysterically with the cameraman and half-heartedly tries to convince her to come back to the set.
You witnessed the birth of fartmouth.
LONG LIVE FARTMOUTH!
____________________
mundhra: And its crocobody is made of dile. |
| |
HOBO
* b0bo has quit IRC ('Exit')  SSHOLEPosts: 1104 Registered: 3/19/2002 Offline
|
12/27/2005 at 17:46 |
____________________
" I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." ~Spock~
|
| |
dent
Slipping it into the wrong hole any chance I get  SSHOLEPosts: 806 Registered: 10/20/2004 Offline
|
12/27/2005 at 19:33 |
All porn is horrific.
But, I do remember one porn from back in the 80's that made me laugh. This guy is literally face fucking the brains out of this girls face. He's got massive clumps of her hair in his fists as he's totally trying to break her neck by slamming her head back and forth over his dick. The camera then pans to his face, as he gets ready to shoot his load on her nose. He makes a really ugly orgasm face and starts to make these noises as if he could have the biggest orgasm in history.
The camera pans out and you see his last few strokes, you know the kind right before you cum where you lose all composure and tempo. The big moments about to happen. He starts screaming like an asshole and pulls out of her mouth and uses one of his hands to stroke off on her face. He screams and thrusts his hips along with his massive orgasm, except while he's screaming nothing squirts out, just a bit of lame dribbles. He continues to scream as if it's shooting across the the room, but still just a couple dribbles. He's within inches from her face and not one single sperm hits her face, because it's just dripping out like a broken sink faucet.
Either it was really bad acting or he was squeezing his shit too tight. What a horrible porn sequence.
This was so funny I watched it over and over.
On 2005-12-27 at 13:35:30, dent enjoyed furrysex
____________________
"You must have weak asslips. I like to sculpt mine on the way out, like table legs under a lathe" - Vasudeva |
| |
ragoo
We are not amused.  SSHOLEPosts: 644 Registered: 9/4/2004 Offline
|
12/27/2005 at 20:02 |
My funniest porn memory doesn't have so much to do with the porn content, but the context of watching the porn.
Years ago I bartended at a private men's club in Wilkes-Barre (the membership has since gone co-ed in the face of threatened lawsuits.) Anyway, the club was over 100 years old simply oozed Edwardian tradition and pompousness. The building was all hand-hewn stone, and the rooms were clad in dark mahogany and burnished oak.
So with that as the backdrop, it's still amusing to me to remember playing pool with some co-workers after all the members had gone home, sipping Gentleman Jack and watching "Eels-R-Us" on the big-screen TV in the billiard room.
____________________
Interjections show excitement or emotion. They're generally set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point, or by a comma when the feeling's not as strong. |
| |
Stump
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 310 Registered: 6/18/2002 Offline
|
12/28/2005 at 12:05 |
Straydog, this may be your clip. Look at the description and screenshots, anything familiar? http://www.joyscape.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=15246&sid=c2291a47523a9ddd7c037bfc7c79f362 |
| |
BeachGoat
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 431 Registered: 10/31/2003 Offline
|
12/28/2005 at 13:40 |
"It can't be a moment inevitable in a specific type of porn. The part of a bukkake where 10 guys ejaculate on the skank is funny, but you expect it"
I've only seen about four porn movies, but there's a scene in "Champagne for Breakfast" where a circle of idiots is doing just that. When I saw it, nobody played they soundtrack, we just turned on the stereo. In perfect timing, Dexie's Midnight Runners were singing "Come on Eileen".
Everytime I here that song on the radio, I picture this circle of losers wanking onto a hopeful "Actress".
Funniest Porn Moment:
Stump knows his porn well enough to have found the nutsack clip. What a guy! |
| |
dragonstaff
Too old to Rock and Roll...too young to die  SSHOLEPosts: 735 Registered: 8/19/2004 Offline
|
12/28/2005 at 14:36 |
BeachGoat: "I've only seen about four porn movies, but there's a scene in "Champagne for Breakfast" where a circle of idiots is doing just that. When I saw it, nobody played they soundtrack, we just turned on the stereo. In perfect timing, Dexie's Midnight Runners were singing "Come on Eileen".
Beautiful.
Every now and then, serendipity kicks in.
____________________
The Grumpiest Alpha
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. - Isaac Asimov |
| |
acheron
Cynical_Malcontent  SSHOLEPosts: 552 Registered: 4/29/2004 Offline
|
12/28/2005 at 14:57 |
I didn't find that funny, I mean slightly, but not really |
| |
Heather
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 591 Registered: 11/24/2004 Offline
|
12/28/2005 at 21:21 |
In the Adult Megaplexxx, I showed my husband a VHS cover of a “squirter” and tapped it knowingly while telling him that doesn’t really happen. He looked at me and said “yeah. It does.” I said look, I know you think you’re worldly and all but girls talk to other girls much more freely about this sort of thing and I would have heard about it if this were physically possible.
He stopped and looked at me and said, “its real. I know.” A beat, maybe two before it sank in and then I was hopping up and down around him like that mutt and jeff cartoon with the bulldog and the little terrier “what! No way! Who was it, what was her name? Ohmygod was she embarrassed?! What did you do? Did you scream? Did you freak out? ohmygoddidyoulikeit?!" |
| |
HOBO
* b0bo has quit IRC ('Exit') SSHOLEPosts: 1104 Registered: 3/19/2002 Offline
|
12/29/2005 at 02:05 |
In the Adult Megaplexxx, I showed my husband a VHS cover of a “squirter” and tapped it knowingly while telling him that doesn’t really happen. He looked at me and said “yeah. It does.” I said look, I know you think you’re worldly and all but girls talk to other girls much more freely about this sort of thing and I would have heard about it if this were physically possible.
He stopped and looked at me and said, “its real. I know.” A beat, maybe two before it sank in and then I was hopping up and down around him like that mutt and jeff cartoon with the bulldog and the little terrier “what! No way! Who was it, what was her name? Ohmygod was she embarrassed?! What did you do? Did you scream? Did you freak out? ohmygoddidyoulikeit?!"
This "MOMAD MOMENT" brought to you by All Tempature Cheer. Thank you for your patronage.
____________________
" I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." ~Spock~
|
| |
Stump
SENATOR BABYHEAD Posts: 310 Registered: 6/18/2002 Offline
|
12/29/2005 at 05:53 |
BeachGoat:
Stump knows his porn well enough to have found the nutsack clip. What a guy!
I was uhh... researching a paper for a human sexuality class. Yeah, that's the ticket. |
| |
Trevzilla
Tender vittles  Posts: 3 Registered: 2/21/2006 Offline
|
2/21/2006 at 07:31 |
straydog1980: i watched a video clip a few years ago that changed my life. Since that time I have incessantly said the word "BOOYAH" and laughed hysterically to myself.
This chick was laying on her neck holding her back up in the air, and this huge black dude is standing over her. All you see at first is his donkey dick in her pussy, and he fucks her for a second then pulls his dick out. Uneventfull enough, right? Well, then this crazy fucker reaches back and grabs hold of his sack and that's when you realize OH FUCK NOES HE'S GOT HIS BALLS IN HER ASS!
In the most pain inducing porn moment evar, you watch as he grabs his sack and pulls his ball slowly out of her asshole. When her balloon knot finally lets free his balls, her but slams closed with a hilarious "POP". Then the black guy stands up and yells "BOOYAH".
ever since, i have spent my time showing this clip to as many people as possible.
Hey, I know I'm a newb at this site, but we have an Ultimate Frisbee Team where this video is THE Joke! We've been looking for it all over. Do you have a copy I can get? And if so, how can I get in touch with you? |
| |
dragonstaff
Too old to Rock and Roll...too young to die SSHOLEPosts: 735 Registered: 8/19/2004 Offline
|
2/21/2006 at 09:49 |
Lets post the link a third time for the noob.
____________________
The Grumpiest Alpha
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. - Isaac Asimov |
| |
MOMAD
That Weird Stain on the Ceiling  SSHOLEPosts: 449 Registered: 3/12/2002 Offline
|
2/21/2006 at 19:19 |
I still can't get over the absurdity of this one...
Two chicks are in an apartment, in a room sitting at computers. Both are wearing t-shirts and panties but no pants. Outside, a couple of masked burglers are preparing to bust into the place. They do, and when they go by the room, the chicks spot them, jump up, and start chasing them around the apartment. When this ensues, the music that plays is - astonishingly - the Benny Hill theme music. I shit you not. They even jump around and dart from room to room like in the show. One chick catches a burgular, takes him to the ground, and immediately yanks his pants down and starts blowing him. When THIS ensues, the music suddenly switches to typical cheap porn tunes and things go in and out of slow motion. How the hell is one supposed to transition abruptly from Benny Hill to sexual arousal? I may never understand the logic with this one.
____________________
I left my pants at the BBP5.1 |
| |
Trevzilla
Tender vittles Posts: 3 Registered: 2/21/2006 Offline
|
2/21/2006 at 19:27  |
Thanks! Sorry for not reading the entire forum. Now I really feel like a noob! Oh well. . . Commence with good posts!
Although. . .That video doesn't have the Pop, booyah part in it. That's the part I'm looking for. . .
On 2006-02-21 at 14:13:39, Trevzilla enjoyed furrysex |
| |
nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint SSHOLEPosts: 802 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
|
2/22/2006 at 00:22 |
This might do it for you...I think it has the booyah.
If that isn't it, you could always try this |
| |
Trevzilla
Tender vittles Posts: 3 Registered: 2/21/2006 Offline
|
2/22/2006 at 01:34 |
Sorry to be a pest, but there is still no booyah in that first link. It's actually the exact same video that dragonstaff's link points to. And thanks nocal for that second image. I think I'm disturbed for life.  (As if the first link doesn't disturb me. . . hehe) |
| |
LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache  SSHOLEPosts: 1583 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
|
2/22/2006 at 01:53 |
Trevzilla: Sorry to be a pest, but there is still no booyah in that first link. It's actually the exact same video that dragonstaff's link points to. And thanks nocal for that second image. I think I'm disturbed for life. (As if the first link doesn't disturb me. . . hehe)
dont fret little one we have much to show you.
____________________
Sexninja> I will not your farts |
| |
