Uart
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 1228 Registered: 3/5/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 05:08 |
Yeah, so last week I went to the supermarket to buy a bushel of tylenol, when this fat chick cut me off in line and ate all of the cabbage. I looked at her and said, "ma'am, I would appreciate it if you would stop eating cabbage, as your obesity offends me," but she barfed up 12 fetuses instead.
After I slipped on the bloody mess of fetus #7, I wound up in the steak sauce aisle, and had a sudden craving for Worcestershire sauce, so I grabbed a bottle and gulped it down. I started tripping out as if the sauce was really acid. Maybe it was, maybe I was under a highway overpass, maybe I wasn't at the supermarket at all.
So this slut looks at me and says, "are you all right, because unless you're dead, I'm going to suck your cock and steal your wallet," and I said, "what if I'm dead?" She replied that I wouldn't get the courtesy suck then, she'd just steal my wallet and light my corpse on fire. I cocked back and punched her in the nose, and then sold her to a hobo for a couple of bottle caps and a blood-stained hankerchief -- I think I got AIDS.
When all was said and done, I ended up at home wondering where my bushel of tylenol was. I guess I forgot to buy it.
TELL ME YOUR STORY.
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qwerty
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 628 Registered: 9/8/2004 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 05:57 |
I woke up thismorning and when walking into my bathroom I discovered that the floor had disapeared and now I was falling into the earth. Passing roots and dirt and old bones dinasaur and human. Finally I landed in the firey pits of hell. The earth began to shake and blur my vision of reality, slowly I feel my hands melt into a puddle of gold on the ground. My lower body becomes that of a t-rex. I try to speak but all I can muster is a breath of fire. I feel a sharp stabbing pain in my back as a pair of black deamon wings protrude from my shoulders at the end of each I now have metalic tentacles that do my bidding. Violently I lurch forward as a tremor in my stomach forces my internal organs out of my mouth and into a smoking pile of characol. I smile as I begin to feel the soft whir of the mechanical robot that is now my midreigion.
With my physical transformation complete I let out a roar of glory as I fly back up to the human world, my purpose is to kill all humans.
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fnord linkswarm fnord |
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DonQuixote
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 641 Registered: 4/22/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 06:06 |
I thought these types of things only happened in penthouse forums but here it is. I was walking on a beach and I started to sink. I grabbed on to the nearest jellyfish for help. He said get the fuck off me I;m not your jellyfish. so I just let go.
[Edited on 2/8/2005 by sofickingwat]
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( . )( . ) <--- Boobs. |
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GAYBOB
Tender vittles  Posts: 48 Registered: 11/8/2004 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 06:12 |
the humans bowed before their cyclops master. with mighty exultations they proclaimed undying and unlimited devotion. Grak, being a cyclops, devoured his yielding subjects.
fin1z0r
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spammin' for moby, and hopin' you'll blow me |
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DonQuixote
DARTH MENSES Posts: 641 Registered: 4/22/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 06:16 |
I saw a man who once ate his own head. It was a scary site. he kept complaining about how big it was. So I decided to help him. But he pushed me away. So I shot him.
[Edited on 2/8/2005 by sofickingwat]
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( . )( . ) <--- Boobs. |
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GAYBOB
Tender vittles Posts: 48 Registered: 11/8/2004 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 06:20 |
you know exactly wut that means, you little catamite.
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spammin' for moby, and hopin' you'll blow me |
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DonQuixote
DARTH MENSES Posts: 641 Registered: 4/22/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 07:48 |
^^ not a story
I was smoking a clove cigs, cause they taste like memories, and I fell asleep. I woke up kicking and screaming. Tears in my eyes. I had smoked away all that was worth remembering. And my lungs hurt.
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( . )( . ) <--- Boobs. |
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Stump
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 310 Registered: 6/18/2002 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 08:12 |
I was drinking Friday night and goit into an argument with gravity. I was winning until the floor got involved, my head still hurts a little.
^^^^True story. |
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Demagogue
SIR BABYHEAD  Posts: 98 Registered: 4/6/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 09:59 |
Stump wins.
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Evil space badgers are here to eat people's brains!!!! So you lot should be safe, then.
By the way, I do NOT nibble nuts. So don't ask. |
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ghostrider
liberal exit   SSHOLEPosts: 2525 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 15:28 |
cool thread, keep it up, my gay niggers.
ps i said keep it up.
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MstrLance ~
I think you accidentally drew a hexapus.
Dent ~I did, didn't I. |
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ghostrider
liberal exit SSHOLEPosts: 2525 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 15:37 |
i still ain't gonna vote on teh AQ, it's like when i was a n00b, and i would delete my journals (much to the anger of a few). ok, i submit shit sometimes, but lately it's all SteakandCheese type wacky vids, and shit taken from fark. i think Vas is a cool mofo, and i wish him good fortune, but not at the expense of LinkSwarm itself, which is the happiest place on earth. let's start swarming some heartfelt shit, folks, not just wacky skater vids from your cousin's website.
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MstrLance ~
I think you accidentally drew a hexapus.
Dent ~I did, didn't I. |
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PunjabDickenson
Tender vittles  Posts: 35 Registered: 7/20/2005 Offline
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8/2/2005 at 23:27 |
There once was a maid from nantucket
whose twat was the size of a bucket
it could swallow a head
or a large loaf of bread
like an ax wound destroyed by a musket |
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Heather
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 738 Registered: 11/24/2004 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 00:18 |
Is Nantucket in Maine? |
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HOBO
* b0bo has quit IRC ('Exit')  SSHOLEPosts: 1148 Registered: 3/19/2002 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 01:03 |
No you didn't get AIDS. Herpes Level 16 maybe, but not AIDS.
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" I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." ~Spock~
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position!  SSHOLEPosts: 1935 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 01:33 |
So I was this evening sitting around with the ball and chain having a few beers as he commiserated his 50th birthday. He was talking; I was not listening as usual when I noticed a mosquito on his shoulder near his neck. I guess I should have said something, but I became intrigued with the little critter as she inserted her sharpened proboscis through his t-shirt and began to borrow into his skin. The ball and chain continued talking, and his voice became high pitched and soon I noticed his head was actually shrinking. Of course the ball and chain did not notice any of this and continued to flick his ashes and slurp his beer never missing a beat carrying on with endless boring rant. Then with a POP it was all over, the ball and chain lay on the floor, or rather just what was left of his body, his head was gone and the little mosquito sat on the counter top and let out a burp that rocked the house. I sat in my chair with my beer in hand, then the little mosquito flew towards the window and squeezed out the screen, and I am left trying to figure out howinthehell I am going to explain a headless ball and chain in my kitchen.
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Easier to get into than a community college. |
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sahlgoode
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 254 Registered: 7/6/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 02:03 |
Once, as a lay dreaming of being alive, the skies opened to me, with all of their glory displayed upon the canvas of space. Colours of saphire, and emerald, burned my eyes, and a stench, coming from the black empty place where my heart had been, overwhelmed me. (Not just whelmed, and definitely not under-whelmed) My skin, all loose, and detached from my frame, began to crawl. As if it had a life of it's own.
These sensations were to much for me to bare, and just when I was about to pass out, hot molten bile came a-gushing out of the the very lips that I used to kiss you good-night.
The daylight licked me awake, as I stared across to where you once slept. My throbbing head, and the empty bottles of alchohol, give me the first iota of a clue. It was then I knew without a doubt.
As soon as I get over the DT"S, the real pain will begin.
^^^True Story.
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Closed indefinitely in accordance with the Digital Milennium Copyright Act (DMCA) of 1998 |
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mcgarpat
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 413 Registered: 7/10/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 03:34 |
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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. |
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Uart
DARTH MENSES Posts: 1228 Registered: 3/5/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 03:49 |
mcgarpat: Once upon a time there was a little retarded kid named mcgarpat. His parents told him not to play near the lake, but he did anyway. He couldn't help himself, it was so much fun. Especially when Michael Jackson would come and give him a hearty man-BJ. He loved his gay BJs. Then he drowned, because he was retarded. END STORY
FIX'T Much, much better now. |
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mcgarpat
DARTH MENSES Posts: 413 Registered: 7/10/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 03:56 |
Thanks Michael
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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. |
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Acidburn
I am El Chupacabra  SSHOLEPosts: 809 Registered: 8/1/2004 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 04:10 |
"Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed,
a poor mountaineer, barely kept his fam'ly fed.
Then one day he was shootin' at some food,
and up from the ground come a bubblin' crude,
oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.
Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, Jed, move away from there.
They said, Californy is the place you oughta be,
so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly,
Hills that is, swimmin' pools, movie stars.
Ol' Jed bought a mansion, lawdy it was swank,
next-door neighbor was pres'dent of the bank.
Lotsa folks objected, but the banker found no fault,
'cause ol' Jed's millions was a-layin' in the vault,
cash that is, capital gains, depletion money.
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin,
they would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in.
You're all invited back next week to this locality,
to have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality,
hillbilly that is, set a spell, take your shoes off,
y'all come back now, ya hear?"
performed by Jerry Scoggins
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No you can't have my rights. I'm not through with them!
You got Down Syndrome so bad you probably have up,left and right too.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Rabbit. and it kills everyday.
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mcgarpat
DARTH MENSES Posts: 413 Registered: 7/10/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 04:15 |
Great memories with that one! ^
Gotta find a site that lays out what happened to them.
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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. |
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Acidburn
I am El Chupacabra SSHOLEPosts: 809 Registered: 8/1/2004 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 04:19 |
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055662/
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No you can't have my rights. I'm not through with them!
You got Down Syndrome so bad you probably have up,left and right too.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Rabbit. and it kills everyday.
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mcgarpat
DARTH MENSES Posts: 413 Registered: 7/10/2005 Offline
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8/3/2005 at 04:23 |
Gr8t link thanks
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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. |
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ghostrider
liberal exit SSHOLEPosts: 2525 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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8/24/2005 at 02:30 |
GAYBOB: the humans bowed before their cyclops master. with mighty exultations they proclaimed undying and unlimited devotion. Grak, being a cyclops, devoured his yielding subjects.
fin1z0r
pure, unadulterated prose
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MstrLance ~
I think you accidentally drew a hexapus.
Dent ~I did, didn't I. |
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Phlebas
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 250 Registered: 7/29/2005 Offline
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8/24/2005 at 04:33 |
My form sits, throbbing, waiting, for the gift of some day's pleasure to enter.
With non-varying indifference, the child that mans the portal (and therefore keeps the time) places another brick unto the wall that surrounds the city.
I stand and walk toward the door, but all locks are long since removed.
And what is the point of moving?
Four trails of light move by one across the hand before me.
I wait for some signant of Spring...
But the traces fall fast removing.
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"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." |
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sahlgoode
SENATOR BABYHEAD Posts: 254 Registered: 7/6/2005 Offline
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8/24/2005 at 05:31 |
Moving with undo speed to the heart of the matter a sensational happening for all who care
An event for all time in memorials structures of which we should all be aware
The task was to chart all the forests of laughter, the trees were sought after to make us whole.
A journey was made on a path of lavender. A quest with great purpose, and goals
Epic preportions of knowledge unheard of in this this sport which involves me and you
The skies open up in their limitless volume, submitting the lightbeams to view
You, you, you, want to follow your heart as the morning sun chases the moon
Starlet was there on a wind in a memory, she was thinking of whispering "soon"
Ambition alone held the Ruby of Gladness, entwining a glyptical secret stair
The only response was the obvious pleasure in knowing the trees were still there.
Now the earth has been saved from it's own power and glory. Inquisitive minds the answers up to you.
Paramount truth relies upon you soley. Without it you've nothing to do,
....but you will follow your heart
[Edited on 24/8/2005 by sahlgoode]
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Closed indefinitely in accordance with the Digital Milennium Copyright Act (DMCA) of 1998 |
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DonQuixote
DARTH MENSES Posts: 641 Registered: 4/22/2005 Offline
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8/24/2005 at 05:55 |
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
-Lord Byron
Thats my favorite. 
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( . )( . ) <--- Boobs. |
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topkomS
Tender vittles  Posts: 41 Registered: 1/6/2005 Offline
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8/24/2005 at 16:15 |
One dark night in the middle of the day,
two dead boys went out to play,
back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other,
a deaf policeman heard the noise
and went to kill those two dead boys
If you dont believe my sotry is true
go ask the blind man he saw it too.
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"Majority rule, don't work in mental institutions" |
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