nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint   SSHOLE |
Posts: 811 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 01:44 |
I have held many jobs despite the fact that I'm fairly young. So far, through various jobs, I've learned that:
-Contractors are almost always late and fucking slovenly. I have had to restack lumber countless times in an hour because those fucks rifle through it and don't put it back
-Many grown men can't tie a necktie and I, at the age of sixteen, found myself tying ties for men three times my age. It's not that fucking hard, learn how, because it makes you look like a man when you do actually have to wear one.
-NEVER FUCK UP YOUR CREDIT. Seriously. Shit stays on there for approximately 15 years, every time you apply for a credit card/ask for your credit report you lose points, and make sure your spouse has good credit BEFORE you marry that ho bag. I have seen these situations: millionaire is late on a car payment for no reason and has to pay extra on a loan, man discovers he can't buy house because wife has fucked credit that she racked up in college and still has years later, a matter of maybe ten points totally fucking a loan.
-Do not keep porn on your computer at work. It will be found by a kid like me in ten minutes when I rifle through all your files.
-Your neck size is probably half your waist size, if you ever have to buy a fitted-type dress shirt (ie my waist is 32, neck is 16). And in keeping with that theme, WEAR YOUR FUCKING DRESS PANTS ON YOUR ACTUAL WAIST. I wear my jeans around my hips/ass like most people, but a suit/tux or whatever needs to have the pants about an inch under your belly button or it will look fucking weird and stupid. You may think that you're young and cool/your waist hasn't changed since college, but you're wrong.
Add your own! It's the internet!
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government_death_robot
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 920 Registered: 4/23/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 02:42 |
Since I haven't gotten hired anywhere yet, I can't say what I've learned on the job.
But I do know saying, "See, if you would've hired me, this wouldn't have happened" is not a good thing to say. (Even though that shit wouldn't have happened).
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bwned. |
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straydog1980
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 531 Registered: 6/16/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 03:06 |
you wouldn't eat at half the restaurants you know and love ever again if you'd seen half of the shit I've seen.
And I explain to you in painfull detail how to remove and replace your motherboard? Why do I still remember this 3 years after working at Dell. It only takes one conversation with an 85 year old woman, needing to have me help guide her through the process OVER THE PHONE who happens to know absolutely fuck all about computers to have the whole fiasco burned on your brain for all eternity.
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i\'m going to become rich and famous after i invent a
device that allows you to stab people in the face over the
internet |
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LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache  SSHOLEPosts: 1622 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 03:32 |
Today I learned that THE WAFFLE HOUSE rocks!
And that Chinese industrialists are the most arrogant pricks on the planet.
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the rice I had yesterday came out practically verbatim |
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Acidburn
I am El Chupacabra  SSHOLEPosts: 777 Registered: 8/1/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 03:38 |
I've learned that a majority of the pilots I deal with do not really understand how the Avionics in the plane works."scary"
I've learned taking a chick out on a date, paying for dinner,movie and wine only gets you a blowjob half the time.
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No you can't have my rights. I'm not through with them!
You got Down Syndrome so bad you probably have up,left and right too.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Rabbit. and it kills everyday.
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nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint SSHOLEPosts: 811 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 04:08 |
I've learned taking a chick out on a date, paying for dinner,movie and wine only gets you a blowjob half the time.
Sounds like you have a pretty great job there.
-I have learned that if a man has a suicide knob on the wheel of the forklift, he has taken that shit up on two wheels around a turn at least once. Loaded with lumber. |
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LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache SSHOLEPosts: 1622 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 04:28 |
nocal: I have learned that if a man has a suicide knob on the wheel of the forklift, he has taken that shit up on two wheels around a turn at least once. Loaded with lumber.
HAHA!
That takes me back.
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the rice I had yesterday came out practically verbatim |
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Sachsenpaule
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 165 Registered: 11/16/2003 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 06:32 |
- many deals are made when smalltalking
- so are ideas, the best ones come when not in the office, while walking,dinnering or drinking in a bar
- if you unfortunately locked in your office becourse you just wanted to finish your work, the telephones will not work, nobodys on the floor and your mobile isnt charged
- your boss will pay you a dinner after you icqed him about this
- most female coders are ugly
- most coders dont have a sense of what looks good and what dont
- use grandiose technical terms (even the ones you havent heard yet) to confuse people to get what you want (also works good for excuses)
- its you arrive too early its always fun to spend your time changing the desktopthemes of your collegues to really gay ones (like the latest popstar which nobody likes)
- copy & paste rules, always
- if you start to work somewhere, be helpful, but also arrogant,
you recognize to whom you can be, and to whom not (dont overdo this)
- the advantage of this is that the ones to which you can be, will do all the work you want to do
- "my aunt died" will only work once
[Edited on 31/3/2005 by Sachsenpaule]
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And they wile away the hours
In their ivory towers
Till they're covered up with flowers
In the back of a black limousine
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Evildigitz
SENATOR BABYHEAD Posts: 143 Registered: 4/6/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 08:16 |
We got a new programmer here - he's arrogant, I think he's an anoying little shit.
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- Multiskilled team member -
- Jack of all trades, expert at none -
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vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth  SSHOLEPosts: 4460 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 13:20 |
-Never be afraid to say "I don't know." Only someone who doesn't know much about their discipline imagines it's possible to know everything about it.
-When you say "I don't know," follow it up with "but I'll start researching it and have an answer by the end of the day" or something along those lines. Just cause it's ok for you to not have already known it is no reason to continue not knowing it if it applies to your job or suddenly seems relevant to your boss.
-Never bullshit in front of someone who knows better in an attempt to avoid having to say "I don't know." The quickest way you can lose credit -- with me, anyway -- is to make up an answer when it's obviously bullshit.
Examples:
- Don't know what "Simple TCP/IP Services" are? Then don't install them on customer servers. It's *not* the ability to speak TCP/IP. It's a bunch of archaic services, like finger and chargen, that no one uses and can be exploited. I'd expect the "Office Guru" to know better.
- If I can't ping a machine, don't tell me it's because of "NTFS permissions." Seriously. Learn your job, and until you do, don't speak.
- If you have to lie to a customer just to get them off the phone, try to do it in a way that won't come back to haunt you, or at least think up some shit that sounds halfway plausible. Customers speak to the other people you work with, too, and they'll sell your ass out in a heartbeat if it gets them what they want 3 minutes quicker.
-Never let customers abuse you on the phone unless it's your first job and you're doing first-level helpdesk support. In that case, you are getting paid to take customer abuse. In any other role, you're probably not. Let them have their temper tantrum on someone else's time. Inform them you're hanging up, ask them to call back when it's a "better time" for them, then hang up. Every time I've done this, they call back, apologize meekly, and let me continue doing my job.
-Unless you work in a mom-and-pop-size business, chances are, your boss' boss has no fuking idea what you do or what goes on during the day. At his elevation, he imagines an enthusiastic team of worker bees vigorously solving problems. It's your boss' job to continue letting him think this and shape your tasks according to reality. It's your job to make this easy for your boss to do. For example: when the head honcho rolls up to your desk and asks how things are going, don't be so caught off-guard that you tell him the code "has a lot of bugs." I've done this. It was stupid of me.
-"Think before you speak" is probably a good followup to that one.
-Don't steal. It's not worth it. That laptop in the corner that everyone seems to have forgotten about? It might be worth a week's pay, and if you get caught, that'll be the last week of pay until you can convince some other company to hire an (unsuccessful) thief. If you simply don't do it, you'll be getting paid every week. It can be boiled down to a simple transaction I see people ignore too often.
-Don't let anyone take credit for your work. It's your entire worth to the people paying you.
[Edited on 3/31/2005 by vasudeva]
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slippedhole> I am on to you and your evil intentions. I am the true protector of this website and am willing to do battle with you. |
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ghostrider
liberal exit  SSHOLEPosts: 2446 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 13:23 |
job ???
learned ???
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I build plastic bonfires on the beach and skip batteries into the lake ~ Cockroach |
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government_death_robot
DARTH MENSES Posts: 920 Registered: 4/23/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 13:33 |
Wow, Vas, you learned a lot.
JOIN THE DARKSIDE.
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bwned. |
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Uart
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 1228 Registered: 3/5/2005 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 14:01 |
Well, here's some tips for anyone who is sending/handing a computer in to the helpdesk at their company/university for repairs:
1) The computer won't be fixed today, no matter how much you cry. If you really fucked it up, it won't be ready tomorrow, either. This is your own fault, don't complain about it, because you'll just be tossed around like a hot potato (you will receive a response to your complaint exactly 6 months after your computer problem is resolved).
2) If you wish to avoid embarrassment, please delete all porn on your computer. Especially the Japanese barf-porn. If you do not, please be aware that we WILL find it
2a) even if you are "slick" and hide it in the Windows directory. You're girlfriend may not find it there, but she's a dumb cunt.
2b) not just the guy you hand it to, but the ENTIRE department is going to see, or at least hear about your porn. We will all giggle like schoolgirls the next time we see you.
2c) If there is porn of yourself or your (ex) girlfriend on the laptop... It WILL appear on the internet. (also 2b still applies)
3) If you call and yell at us, we'll probably give you the run-around. Not because we can't fix your problem, but more because we don't want to.
4) If you spill milk on your laptop... plan on buying a new one.
4a) same goes for barfing on it
4b) also if you/your friend takes a piss on it
Other than that, I learned that there really isn't a limit to how much you can slack off. |
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middle_age_man
Mostly Harmless  SSHOLEPosts: 427 Registered: 1/11/2005 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 15:46 |
-In a university environment, never ask for an opinion from anyone outside of administration, they will just strike up committee after committee until you go away.
-Single fifty year old “administrative assistants” will want to show you photo albums of their babies. Don’t be fooled they're just pictures of some fucking cats. They can also go on ad infinitum about cats, their love of chocolate, it’s to hot/cold, the horrible man who threw a mercy fuck into her thirty years ago….
-Drywallers are retarded. I marvel at their ability to walk on their hind legs.
-Designers are failed architects or at least architect wannabes. They lack any understanding of how anything gets put together.
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" Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
George Carlin |
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acheron
Cynical_Malcontent  SSHOLEPosts: 559 Registered: 4/29/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 16:03 |
-Women working at the Harvard Real Estate Office are very bitchy and some of them are stupid enough to put deviant porn on their computer, which of course is accessible to the entire office.
-Latex based paint, when spilled on hardwood floors, can still be scraped off for about 72 hours.
-Bullshit mountain towns have no jobs and I hate them (the town)
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I'm an INTJ. This explains why I'm alternating between silence and judging you. |
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ghostrider
liberal exit SSHOLEPosts: 2446 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 17:50 |
AcheronDCS: -Women working at the Harvard Real Estate Office are very bitchy and some of them are stupid enough to put deviant porn on their computer, which of course is accessible to the entire office.
-Latex based paint, when spilled on hardwood floors, can still be scraped off for about 72 hours.
-Bullshit mountain towns have no jobs and I hate them (the town)
Duke rul35, br0
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I build plastic bonfires on the beach and skip batteries into the lake ~ Cockroach |
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nocal
It's insane, this guy's taint SSHOLEPosts: 811 Registered: 8/25/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 19:24 |
4) If you spill milk on your laptop... plan on buying a new one.
4a) same goes for barfing on it
4b) also if you/your friend takes a piss on it
My roommate spilled water into his first from the business school, then got a new one. He, to date, has spilled:
-water
-beer (which made the keys stick)
-rum
-water again (which, honestly, cleaned the keys so that it seems to work fine)
I have no fucking idea how it has lasted so long; it's lasted longer than some of the laptops here that don't get spilled on.
-I have been offered drugs on the job
-I have seen shoplifting by employees on the job
-I have been told stories about sex that employees had the night before, gay and straight
-I was hit on by an Australian man
-Like I said before, I found porn on our stupid tech guy's computer...but not normal porn, I think it was that "fuck machine" stuff, where women use like motor-driven thrusting dildos (wtf)
-I drove my boss' GS300 Lexus at high speed with the speakers blasting, which he encouraged |
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freakmachine
Web Fucko Extraordinaire  SSHOLEPosts: 590 Registered: 4/15/2004 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 19:36 |
In a univeristy environment:
- never ask "Why?" just because something doesn't make sense. If an answer even CAN be found, the pain of knowing what is really going on is likely worse than the discomfort of not knowing.
-at all costs, avoid upper adminstration and academec department heads.
-with a minimum effort you can make people think you are an invaluable emloyee.
-always have a work related window open to click to the front when browsing linkswarm during work hours. Be quick on the click because if you are just a little slow it will be obvious.
-The reward for hard work is... more work.
-what middle_age_man said about opinions and committees.
EDIT:
-actually, i second all of middle_age_man 's points
[Edited on 1/4/2005 by freakmachine] |
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Uart
DARTH MENSES Posts: 1228 Registered: 3/5/2005 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 20:16 |
nocal:My roommate spilled water into his first from the business school, then got a new one. He, to date, has spilled:
-water
-beer (which made the keys stick)
-rum
-water again (which, honestly, cleaned the keys so that it seems to work fine)
I have no fucking idea how it has lasted so long; it's lasted longer than some of the laptops here that don't get spilled on.
Well, if he kept taking it in for service, he's probably had a pretty solid rotation of new parts going in each time. If not... he should donate it to the Smithsonian or something.
-Like I said before, I found porn on our stupid tech guy's computer...but not normal porn, I think it was that "fuck machine" stuff, where women use like motor-driven thrusting dildos (wtf)
Nice. Thats some sweet porn, nothing like a good fuck machine to get you in the mood, thats what my grampa always told me. |
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LuckyLuciano
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 364 Registered: 9/7/2003 Offline
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3/31/2005 at 21:43 |
Well, lets see.
- Bullshit will take you far if you learn to master it, have a quick enough response, and remember all of the things you have said.
- For every security camera you see, theres at least one you don't and there are at least two other contraptions to spy on you.
- For the love of god, find something to blackmail your coworkers and bosses with. Think of it as job security.
- Even in the fanciest of restaurants, someone will pee in the soup/salad dressing.
- Securely delete any porn you have on your computer. People are like to snoop around.
- It pays to be armed. I like to carry a knife, especially one made of ceramic. To quote Al Capone, "I am a man of peace. However, some people only understand violence."
- If you have money, don't buy a fancy car. It will only enrage your middle-aged bosses who think you are some hotshot young punk.
- Those white headphones that come with your iPod tell others that you want to be mugged.
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dagwood
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 372 Registered: 12/19/2004 Offline
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4/1/2005 at 21:26 |
I learned that nearly all managers have risen to their level of incompetence through kissing ass and playing the game, and that no matter how efficient, skillful and hardworking you are you're only as good as your last fuckup. Getting along and being ON TIME are more important than being really good at what you do. Just like a microcosm of government, your opinion at work is only valuable as long as it agrees with the party line or "mission statement." .
Thanks for this opportunity, I could go on and vent for pages and probably should , but this isn't the place for it.
One more thing: Beware if simple people, since there's no original thought in their heads, they have nothing to talk about except you and what you've said.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. |
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HellKat
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 177 Registered: 1/19/2005 Offline
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4/2/2005 at 00:54 |
I learned that I don't want to work for wages ever again unless I recieve grand compensation. I have also realized that the highest paid executives don't do any work and I am VERY capable of that. I am still trying to find the CEO or highly paid consultant position that will fly me around the world, hold meetings in exotic places to make up mythological mission statements and goals.
My father has actually achieved this.
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am I ignorant or apathetic? don't know, don't care..... |
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dragonstaff
Too old to Rock and Roll...too young to die  SSHOLEPosts: 756 Registered: 8/19/2004 Offline
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4/2/2005 at 01:19 |
nocal:-I have learned that if a man has a suicide knob on the wheel of the forklift, he has taken that shit up on two wheels around a turn at least once. Loaded with lumber.
As a forklift mechanic, I have learned that this is correct, by having to fix the ones that fall over.
I have also learned that the mechanic who gets paid the most, does the least work. ( This does not include the foreman or those above him ).
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The Grumpiest Alpha
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. - Isaac Asimov |
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fl_projekt
I AM TEH FUKING FISHPUNCHAR. I WILL RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN AND PETS.  SSHOLEPosts: 449 Registered: 8/8/2003 Offline
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4/2/2005 at 01:38 |
I have learned that the rumors of state employees (not workers) being lazy and barely doing anything are true now that I am now among their ranks.
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Think noone cares if your alive?........... try missing a couple of car payments |
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