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vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth   SSHOLE |
Posts: 4618 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:04 |
Let me start by saying this movie is shit. Total shit. Pure shit.
Now that I've gotten the basics out of the way, I can tell you it's not quite as bad as Chronicles of Riddick. When that thread popped up recently, and I was forced to agree with myself all over again, I began hunting COR down, so I could revile it anew, but couldn't find it. What I did find, however, was Catwoman, and I figured it would fit the bill.
I had no idea.
Catwoman is, first off, your typical girlpower story. Young, pretty, but ultimately unrealized and downtrodden girl is struck with inspiration from on high, stands up to all the mean guys, and turns her life around just like that, complete with new sassy haircut (DIY in the mirror, naturally) and leather suit. This movie has a soundtrack and man. . . you know how the commercials crammed around any "my daughter is a drunk"/"my husband is cheating on me"/"they want to take away my baby" Lifetime story is nothing but vacuums and mop-n-glo, because they know their audience to a hair? Same crass manipulation here.
Apparently the filmmakers decided women can't feel truly (vicariously) empowered and kick-ass unless they're listening to all of the following:
1) Female singer
2) R-n-B tune
2a) of the "free your mind and your ass will follow" or "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" varieties. Nothing else.
2b) In fact, I'm not sure any of the singers were white. Maybe a Beyonce Knowles here and there.
2c) optionally jazzed up with a heavy metal guitar riff during fight scenes. Please commence rocking out, ladies.
If I were a chick, I'd be insulted at being so pegged and pandered to by some fat white male money machine.
Anyway, our girl Halle Berry, summoned to the offices of the GiantEvilCorp head honcho, which she's been to just the day before, somehow nevertheless stumbles into a science lab and happens upon a very private discussion of the Big Terrible Secret about how the makeup being sold by GiantEvilCorp is addictive and disfiguring. She's discovered and shot at. She tries to escape and in the process is flushed out some kind of big Science Pipe and ends up in a bay. Minutes later, she floats ashore (or is magically transported there by the anticipative powers of the cats that you keep seeing little scenes of).
Cats come right out of nowhere in the middle of this big toxic bay of slime. She's unconscious. A big lumpy poorly-animated CG cat walks up her chest, breathes on her face, and her pupils instantly go cat-shaped.
This should be the end of the movie. It isn't. Dear god, it isn't.
She returns to her apartment, leaping up several flights to break in the window, and then has a (cat) nap. At this point, she immediately has all these new behaviors like
- Sleeping in the sun with her hands curled like paws
- Devouring tuna out of the can, five or six cans at a time
- Absent-mindedly crawling on furniture while talking on the phone
- Hissing at dogs
- Rubbing her face all crazy on catnip
- Chasing spiders on the ground
Are you getting what's going on here? She's a cat. Yeah. CAT. That's why the film is called CatWoman. Get it? She's a Woman that gets turned into a Cat. So she's going to be very cat-like, as illustrated above. You with me on this? C-A-T. The sooner you can get with the program, the sooner this movie can start beating you over the head with everything else it has to beat you over the head with, which is a lot, namely: everything.
The movie could end here, and I'd be happy, but it doesn't, and I'm not, except I lied before -- I'd still be pretty unhappy, except that so far I haven't laughed so hard at anything on my TV for probably two weeks. And I think the last time the LBP got treated to so many Snorts of Official Derision was. . . well, Chronicles of Riddick. But at least Chronicles of Riddick had some cool parts. This thing just has shitty CG. And shitty filming.
There's a scene where she's supposedly kicking Benjamin Bratt's ass at basketball with all sorts of cool cat moves, but all she does is bounce the ball from hand to hand and a little dribbling. They film this in short little flashes and show the kids' faces all agape so it looks like it's happening really fast and there's some kind of incredibly dexterous display you're supposed to be imagining -- but none of this is true.
So Catty McCatterson goes bounding around the city with her new cat style, doing things cats never really do, like walking up walls and collecting jewelry and shit. She invariably discovers the final few bits of somethings-wrong-here clues that gives the plot whatever the fuk they thought it needed to get it moving, so now she has an enemy: GiantEvilCorp and its bad-news makeup, which is going to make beautiful self-possessed strong pure nurturing-yet-fierce women addicted to it, and if they stop using it, their face decays rapidly.
But not before stopping a bank robbery by perching on a landing and informing the robbers that their robbery idea is purrfect. Actually, what she does is this: she gives her line, which is basically an excuse for her to pronounce “perfect” in her own special way, which she wastes no time in doing. She gets out the "purr", then all of Creation stops as she vocalizes this home-made purr sound that goes on for a satanic eternity. . . then she gives us the "fect. "
If it hadn't already been obvious before, this was the last chance to not know this movie was going to suck.
She defeats the bank robbers handily, of course, all the while trying to be catlike while fighting, except it doesn't work out for anybody -- least of all myself. At one point, she sort of cat-surfs on the body of one of the robbers. I don't know why. Cats don’t surf in any reality I ever heard of. Then she takes out the other one, pausing before the final blow to utter "meow" in this bitchy "I told you so" tone, then delivers the coup-de-grace.
The crowd went wild!
Assuming, of course, that by 'crowd' I mean me, and by 'went wild' I mean 'snorted nine different derisive sounds and looked at the LBP and said WHAT THE FUK ARE WE WATCHING? I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW. '
Then there's the scene where she waltzes into the nightclub, downs her shot of cream like some kind of cat-style shogun, then dances in the middle of the floor with everyone watching her as she cracks her whip. I'm not kidding. They even shine all the lights in the nightclub on her. It's like the prom scene in any coming-of-age teen movie for girls.
Then there's the scene where the big bad heavy metal dudes across the alley from her are yet again playing their big bad heavy metal at 4AM and she can't sleep. Since she's new and improved and empowered, she stomps across the street, breaks down their door, leaps up on their counter and sprays down their speakers and the main party guy with beer out of a bar tap-hose thing. Suitably chastised, everyone considers themselves defeated and cease their heavy metal vomit party. I dunno why. I never had a party end because some beer got spilled. These dudes do not understand the power of Rock.
The movie could end here, too. But it doesn't.
But my post will. I heartily recommend you see this movie.
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straydog1980
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 531 Registered: 6/16/2004 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:09 |
GO MARVEL!! i think the rule is they have to make 4 crappy movies for every 1 good one.
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ran93r
Tender vittles  Posts: 42 Registered: 7/24/2003 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:13 |
kay I'm sold... catwoman avoid
when's the elektra review coming? |
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straydog1980
DARTH MENSES Posts: 531 Registered: 6/16/2004 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:17 |
she's (elektra) been in only 100 marvel issues, EVAR. She has only had major comic release since 1996. I can think of 8 million marvel characters that I would rather see in a movie. What does this all tell you? It's TEH PUNISHER all over again but with even less character coolness to balance the overwhelming gayness this movie will present to you. avoid at all costs.
[Edited on 7/1/2005 by straydog1980]
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zapple
SIR BABYHEAD  Posts: 86 Registered: 1/1/2005 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:28 |
All super hero movies suck!!! |
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zapple
SIR BABYHEAD Posts: 86 Registered: 1/1/2005 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:29 |
All super hero movies suck!!! |
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LORDKAHUNA
Don't make me fuk your moustache  SSHOLEPosts: 1691 Registered: 8/5/2003 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:41 |
I cant wait to see this flick, and not all comic based movies suck Hellboy, Xmen 1 and 2, and Blade 1 didn't suck.
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never underestimate how many women have basically no self-esteem to speak of |
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freakmachine
Web Fucko Extraordinaire  SSHOLEPosts: 596 Registered: 4/15/2004 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 16:52 |
A little advice concerning the viewing of movies such as Catwoman: sneak in to see the movie for free, then you can appreciate Halle Berry in a tight little leather outfit for 90 minutes. All shall be well in the world. Plot? What plot?
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ran93r
Tender vittles Posts: 42 Registered: 7/24/2003 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 17:30 |
I thought the elektra trailers were looking prety cool, sort of marvel meets crouching tiger. |
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imfrans
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 246 Registered: 1/17/2004 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 20:05 |
NO! FRANS WILTS TO A SCABBISH SHADOW OF HIS FORMER BUSSINESS SELF!
The power of cats cheapened by the dozen by fuking stupid movie exectutives! frans has harnessed the true power of cats, fukers!
SPRAY! CAT! SPRAY! YR SWEET URINE REPLELS THE NOSTRIL OF HUMAN SATSIFACTION! BUT...SADLY...THE CAT PISS COUPON HAS EXPIRED AT FRANS STORE...
SUBMERGE INTO THE STORY OF FRANS' CAT PISS BUSSINESS ADVENTURE AND POST HYJACKING WAYS:
frans' former occupation/reign of terror innvoleved the harvesting of said cat urine from killed cats! yes...mechandise..ok?
1. frans humainly guts cats.
2. frans voids the cat of its full toxic bladder and future.
3.sacrifice of magical cat spirt is internalized in harvested piss tincture frans concocks and stores in underground cash cow safety.
4. frans advertises via internet/movie projection.
5. customer demand and attention is filtered and triaged.
SAID FUKING PISS HAS MANY USES....here are top five Franish SERVICE OFFERED AND RENDERED UPON CREDIT APPROVAL:
1. the injection of massive amount of cat piss into elderly or sickly peoples to stimulate assited suicide solutions.
2. the cladestine filling of an enemy's water resevoir in their clothes iron with cat piss.
3. fabrication and selling of cat piss computer printer cartriges to aid letters written in cat piss.
4. clasdistine dropping of cat piss liquids on enemy envelope glue.
5. cat piss cures AIDS
YES!! OK! WHAT REMINIESISE THE PAST HAS GOTTEN FRANS TO PLAY MISTY FOR U! haha! YES..FRANS NO LONGER DEALS WITH TOXIC CAT PISS AFTER A VICIOUS EXCHANGE WITH GOVERMENT ISSUES/LAWS..SADLEY BUT NOT SADLY FRANS HAS MOVED ONTO OTHER FORMS OF EMPLOYMENT AND LIFE IMPROVEMENT AIDS (NOT DISEASE)...DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HALLE CUM LATELYS FUKERS ...CATWOMAN IS AN UNCHALLENGING DESCRASE OF SHIT CREATED TO DISTRACT U FROM THE TRUE POWER OF LOVELY CATS AND FOAMING MOUTHS..YES..!
bed time story...OVAR!
thank u frans.
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Dumbskull
I'm assuming the position!  SSHOLEPosts: 1935 Registered: 4/22/2004 Offline
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1/7/2005 at 22:37 |
The last movie I sat through was FIGHT CLUB which I watched again for something like the beegillionth time a couple of days ago. My daughter and I both love this flick.
It has been YEARS since I my shadow darkened the door way of an already darkened theatre. The price of tickets is one reason I do not go. There is a cheap move place in town where I can go to see movies for about 2 bucks on Tuesday afternoons, but my Tuesdays are usually consumed with something, school/work oriented. The B & C made me sit through F911 the night before the elections just in case there was any doubt in my mind about who I should vote for.
It has been awhile since I have felt moved to see anything… same pretty much goes for going out and buying a new CD by a new artist. Call me old/old fashioned, but MOTOWN is still great tunes no matter what and the movie industry is full of shit!
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dent
Slipping it into the wrong hole any chance I get  SSHOLEPosts: 917 Registered: 10/20/2004 Offline
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2/11/2005 at 15:42 |
I'm a little late on this post, but I was bored enough last night to actually watch Catwoman, since my wife insisited on having Netflix send it to my hizzous.
I never read this thread before, because I hate reading opinions on a movie before I see it. Well, I'm glad I did see it, because I can officially say that I have seen the worst movie in history. The basketball game in the movie was easily the worst fucking thing I have ever seen on film. The CG effects were horrid and the soundtrack was just borrowed from Next Friday/Waiting to Exhale/Barbershop or any other movie starring a bunch of ashy people.
On a good note, the leather outfit looked hawt on Mrs. Berry.
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"You must have weak asslips. I like to sculpt mine on the way out, like table legs under a lathe" - Vasudeva |
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Lefen
I think Clavis wins my heart <3  SSHOLEPosts: 908 Registered: 9/16/2003 Offline
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2/11/2005 at 15:55 |
she's no michelle pfififer, d00d. That PVC catsuit pwned
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Heather
DARTH MENSES Got Textwar? Posts: 738 Registered: 11/24/2004 Offline
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2/12/2005 at 02:22 |
ASHY PEOPLE
Good gravy, man. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?! |
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THIS, motherfukers, is what makes putting up with qwerty worth it.HUGS ALL AROUND. -- tantrum
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