JohnLenin
Putting the semen in amusement   SSHOLEPosts: 1007 Registered: 7/8/2005 Offline
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8/7/2005 at 19:03 |
An old man is sitting on a park bench feeding bread to the ducks when another man comes and sits next to him. For about about ten minutes, the two men sit there and throw their bread pieces to the ducks. The man on the left turns to the man on and right and says " I see you're running out of bread. I'll bet the rest of my bread that I can guess how old you are". The other man, being old and having no purpose in life, wanted more bread, so he told him to give it a shot. The man says to him " Ok, in order to guess your age I need you to stand up". He Does. "Now I need you to drop you pants". And like any creepy old guy would, he lowered his pants. " now I need you to walk in a circle while making chicken noises and flapping your elbows like wings". He does. This spectacle continues for five minutes until the man is told to pull his pants up and sit down. ".......hmmmmm....You're 83"
"How could you tell that?!"
"you told me yesterday"
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Marf> omg <3 u 4 ever |
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Acidburn
I am El Chupacabra  SSHOLEPosts: 748 Registered: 8/1/2004 Offline
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8/7/2005 at 20:52 |
This is about Mike and Dave. Mike and Dave have been friends since birth. As luck "or bad luck" would have it Mike and Dave were both born deaf. As they grew old they went there seperate ways. But still managed to have lunch on the same day at the same restraunt every year talk about old times.
On this special day Mike walks up and verbaly says" Dave! Oh man it's good to see you. How have you been?" Dave.... floored and the fact the Mike was speaking replies in sign language" Holy shit dude! You can talk? But how?" Mike says " It was a long and painful task but I did it." So they have there lunch and before they part Mike gives Dave the address of the doctor so he can learn to speak.
The very next day Dave goes to the doctor and signs to the doctor" You taught my friend Mike how to talk. Now I want to talk." The doctor tells him that it is a long and painful process but Dave doesn't care. So the doctor tells him to put on the gown and stand in the corner facing the wall.
Dave does this and the doctor walks over and rams a broom stick up Daves ass and Dave yells "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" The doctor says "Good, tomorrow we will learn to say "B"
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No you can't have my rights. I'm not through with them!
You got Down Syndrome so bad you probably have up,left and right too.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Rabbit. and it kills everyday.
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jwalker
Token Discordian  SSHOLEPosts: 945 Registered: 8/6/2005 Offline
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8/8/2005 at 02:52 |
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - let her do the dishes in the dark. |
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mcgarpat
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 413 Registered: 7/10/2005 Offline
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8/8/2005 at 02:58 |
What are the names of the first two Irish homosexuals?
Michael Fitspatrick and Patrick Fitsmichael
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Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. |
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dagwood
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 352 Registered: 12/19/2004 Offline
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8/10/2005 at 22:43 |
Never been married, thought I'd share this though
Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. |
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HOBO
* b0bo has quit IRC ('Exit')  SSHOLEPosts: 1113 Registered: 3/19/2002 Offline
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8/10/2005 at 23:04 |
**Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of
goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her handbag out and starts flipping
through family photos, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest
son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she
whispers.
"Yes" says, the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...
*"They blow up so fast, don't they?"*
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" I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." ~Spock~
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Wotak
You + Fava Beans = Yum  SSHOLEPosts: 621 Registered: 5/27/2005 Offline
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8/11/2005 at 01:49 |
LOki: Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance they could.
Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their lives. "Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?" Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?" "Yep. That's her." Mike replies.
"Well, what about her?" Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly. Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife. "Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily. Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all."
"Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!" Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched." "But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night." Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."
Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did you marry her?!?" Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says: "She shits the best worms!"
I'm sorry folks, but this thread should have ended with that post.
LOki=Winnar!
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"Still have to stop car." --Vasudeva |
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topkomS
Tender vittles  Posts: 41 Registered: 1/6/2005 Offline
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8/11/2005 at 23:04 |
Q:How many j00s can you fit in a VW Beetle?
A: 2 in the front seat, 2 in the back seat, and 10,000 in the ashtray.
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"Majority rule, don't work in mental institutions" |
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shitbox
my balls your chin, get used to that idea  SSHOLEPosts: 910 Registered: 1/9/2005 Offline
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8/12/2005 at 04:56 |
Heather: How old are you, qwerty?
Old enough to have a kickass goatee and shaved head(i watched romper stomper one too many times) and bad teeth and limey humor.
What do you call a one legged hispanic?
"not even holmes"
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"Kill him! Kill the fuckin' indian! What am I watching here two fuckin' fags!?"
Rodney Dangerfield as Ed Wilson
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Sheik_Yerbouti
SIR BABYHEAD  Posts: 58 Registered: 8/7/2005 Offline
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8/12/2005 at 05:01 |
What did the mexican say when the house fell on him?
"Get off me holmes."
Not a joke, but something funny I saw on bash.org
PersonA:Im going to become the next Hitler.
PersonA: Im going to kill all the jews and one clown.
PersonB: Why the one clown?
PersonA: See, no one even cares about the jews!
:)
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"It's better to die on your feet than to live life on your knees."- Some Mexican guy, lol. WHo CARES??? He's from MEXICO!!! |
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middle_age_man
Mostly Harmless  SSHOLEPosts: 427 Registered: 1/11/2005 Offline
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6/26/2006 at 00:20 |
A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.” Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! "He said breathlessly.” Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time,
and it was wonderful!" His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's
your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room. The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it”.” That’s OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore............."
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" Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
George Carlin |
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sunny77
SENATOR BABYHEAD  Posts: 224 Registered: 11/2/2005 Offline
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6/26/2006 at 14:45 |
what does wotak do when he gets back from the battered women's shelter?
the goddam dishes, if the fucknuts knows whats good fer 'im.
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"Poor little guy! He just makes mistakes. He doesn't know any better. l'll just have to be patient and teach him the right way to do things" ~Mickey Mouse |
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jwalker
Token Discordian SSHOLEPosts: 945 Registered: 8/6/2005 Offline
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6/26/2006 at 17:27 |
sunny77: what does wotak do when he gets back from the battered women's shelter?
the goddam dishes, if the fucknuts knows whats good fer 'im.
^ gender confused?
Q. What do 10,000 battered women all have in common?
A. THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING LISTEN!!
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To the dog who has money, men say "My Lord Dog". |
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Wrecker
Misanthrope  SSHOLEPosts: 446 Registered: 1/25/2006 Offline
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6/26/2006 at 20:50 |
A girl asks her dad “Why am I called Rose?”
The father replies “Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born”
Then her sister asks “Why am I called Lily?”
The father replies “Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were born”
Her brother says “AAAGGGHHHrrrrhhgagaghhaaa”
The father replies “Shut up cinderblock.”
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< nuevoSock_> "me and the phone cable plugged to her labia were shaking hands
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sunny77
SENATOR BABYHEAD Posts: 224 Registered: 11/2/2005 Offline
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6/27/2006 at 12:23 |
jwalker: ^ gender confused?
wotak's a bitch, didn't you know?
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"Poor little guy! He just makes mistakes. He doesn't know any better. l'll just have to be patient and teach him the right way to do things" ~Mickey Mouse |
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wolfer
DARTH MENSES  Posts: 417 Registered: 12/1/2003 Offline
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6/27/2006 at 16:33 |
Oprah Winfrey was arrested this morning for drugs.
They stripped searched her and found 40lbs of crack in her pants....
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My Dixie Wrecked! |
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MrJingles
Tender vittles  Posts: 41 Registered: 5/30/2006 Offline
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6/28/2006 at 19:34 |
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog lept.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: 'Frogs can jump.' The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
The scientist quickly added to his log book: 'Frogs can jump with three legs.'
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
The scientist then added to his previous observations: 'Frogs can jump with two legs.'
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: 'Frogs can jump with only one leg!'
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: 'JUMP!'
But alas the frog did not leap.
'JUMP! JUMP!' exclaimed the scientist.
Still, the frog did not leap.
'JUMP!' yelled the scientist.
The frog did not leap.
The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: 'Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf.'
SCIENCE!!!!! |
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ghostrider
liberal exit  SSHOLEPosts: 2410 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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6/28/2006 at 19:59 |
Two fellers were going to the bathroom off a bridge. One of them said the water was cold, the other said it was deep. I believe one of them fellers was from Arkansas.
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i feed my dog (Magic Man) Kraft Singles cheese slices for a week.one slice over each of his food dishes a day. then i take him backyard and place a cheese slice over his shit piles.he consumes the cheese and waste. ~tantrum |
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MrJingles
Tender vittles Posts: 41 Registered: 5/30/2006 Offline
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6/28/2006 at 20:24 |
An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new
one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned
out, so he went to his doctor.
As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object
lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor
removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it
was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a
suppository stuck in his ear.
At this, the man exclaimed, 'Now I know where I put my hearing aid!' |
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JohnLenin
Putting the semen in amusement SSHOLEPosts: 1007 Registered: 7/8/2005 Offline
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6/28/2006 at 21:09 |
ghostrider: Two fellers were going to the bathroom off a bridge. One of them said the water was cold, the other said it was deep. I believe one of them fellers was from Arkansas.
:')
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Marf> omg <3 u 4 ever |
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ghostrider
liberal exit SSHOLEPosts: 2410 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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7/3/2006 at 19:38 |
Two faggots are taking a walk on a sweltering hot day, as they pass the mortuary one says to the other, "Wanna go in for a cold one ?".
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i feed my dog (Magic Man) Kraft Singles cheese slices for a week.one slice over each of his food dishes a day. then i take him backyard and place a cheese slice over his shit piles.he consumes the cheese and waste. ~tantrum |
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Gustaf
Tender vittles  Posts: 13 Registered: 4/18/2006 Offline
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7/4/2006 at 23:28 |
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke.
But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”
“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first joke.” |
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Steel
If you want to keep your tongue, don't lick me in the Winter!  SSHOLEPosts: 486 Registered: 10/14/2004 Offline
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7/5/2006 at 13:37 |
A man walks into a bar with an Aligator on a leash. He cautiously walks up to the bar, looks from side to side and whispers to the bartender.
Umm, Excuse me sir. Do you serve homosexuals at this bar?
To which the Bartender replies, of course we do! Please come have a seat at the bar.
Relieved the man stands up a little taller and says:
Fantastic, I'll take a beer and you can go a head and toss my gator a homosexual! |
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middle_age_man
Mostly Harmless SSHOLEPosts: 427 Registered: 1/11/2005 Offline
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7/7/2006 at 00:37 |
I found this on an anonymous confessions site today. Not really a joke, I suppose, but pretty funny.
I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
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" Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
George Carlin |
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Steel
If you want to keep your tongue, don't lick me in the Winter! SSHOLEPosts: 486 Registered: 10/14/2004 Offline
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7/7/2006 at 18:35 |
I have an Ant Farm... Those fuckers don't farm shit!
Come on guys how about some carrots?
Plus if I rip your legs off, you'll look like snowmen! |
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Acidburn
I am El Chupacabra SSHOLEPosts: 748 Registered: 8/1/2004 Offline
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7/7/2006 at 21:06 |
Jeffry Dahlmer was eating lunch with his mom. His mom said"Jeffry, I don't like your friends". Jeffry replied" Just push them aside and eat the vegitables only than"
____________________
No you can't have my rights. I'm not through with them!
You got Down Syndrome so bad you probably have up,left and right too.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Rabbit. and it kills everyday.
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vasudeva
Bad Taste in your Mouth  SSHOLEPosts: 4394 Registered: 3/8/2002 Offline
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7/7/2006 at 22:12 |
middle_age_man: I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
I can't stop reading this one.
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mundhra: And its crocobody is made of dile. |
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The_GoBotSodomizer
SIR BABYHEAD  Posts: 64 Registered: 2/1/2005 Offline
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7/8/2006 at 00:23 |
Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?
A: You don't cry when you cut up a whore. |
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dragonstaff
Too old to Rock and Roll...too young to die  SSHOLEPosts: 741 Registered: 8/19/2004 Offline
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7/8/2006 at 03:03 |
MrJingles: There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog lept.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: 'Frogs can jump.' The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
The scientist quickly added to his log book: 'Frogs can jump with three legs.'
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
The scientist then added to his previous observations: 'Frogs can jump with two legs.'
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: 'JUMP!'
And the frog jumped.
Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: 'Frogs can jump with only one leg!'
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: 'JUMP!'
But alas the frog did not leap.
'JUMP! JUMP!' exclaimed the scientist.
Still, the frog did not leap.
'JUMP!' yelled the scientist.
The frog did not leap.
The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: 'Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf.'
SCIENCE!!!!!
This guy obviously worked for the government.
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The Grumpiest Alpha
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. - Isaac Asimov |
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ghostrider
liberal exit SSHOLEPosts: 2410 Registered: 7/29/2004 Offline
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8/5/2006 at 20:16 |
Two fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your type in here".
____________________
i feed my dog (Magic Man) Kraft Singles cheese slices for a week.one slice over each of his food dishes a day. then i take him backyard and place a cheese slice over his shit piles.he consumes the cheese and waste. ~tantrum |
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