LOLTAK THE CHICKEN FARMER

Your meepbag nature notwithstanding, farming seems to be among the saner responses to chronic unemployment I've seen.

1- How can you stand being around so much meeping nastiness? Chicken is kind of grody as-is, and you're building a ninth circle of meep, composed of screaming chickens and their multi-hued chickenmeep, in your own backyard.

2 - Do you have to murder the meat yourself?

3 - Do you plan to hire workers, and if so, at what level of production are they going to be a good idea?

4 - Do you plan to grow dour and taciturn in order to become a 'real' farmer, or will you retain your suburban penchant for jubilation? What about overalls?

Enjoy your new life of filth and sadness.

You should kill yourself now.

Chicken meep.

1. meep link: lulz

2. you should get a malay chicken, i saw one recently and they look like a cross between a bird of prey and chicken, meanest looking meeper I ever saw

3. My neighbours opposite our house raise ducks, geese and chickens free range. I meepen hate their 2 meeperels and plan on slitting their throats soon. I am not meant to be woken that early..

this is the meeper i saw, you can see evil in its eyes, and blood on its chicken lips

COOPCAM!

I enjoyed my Barred Rocks (Hoot & Holler), My Rhodes (Lucy & Ethel) , but hated those meeping Leghorns. Bad temperament. Stupid animals. Eat each other in a heartbeat. Red Star just sounds like another name for Edsel.

Good luck with all that.

Oh, and "I'm not a tree hugging hippie or an eco-activist but I am interested in doing my part to help reduce my own carbon footprint."

Yeah, right...how're your mice doing, Hippie?

Sir Wotak,

I am equally impressed and amazed at your ability to morph in new and exciting ways. While the rest of us are learning new ways of jerking off, you are busily redirecting your energies to provide for your family in a constructive and respectable manner. When you start smokin' these meepers, please put me on your Christmas mailing list.

BDiW

1- How can you stand being around so much meeping nastiness? Chicken is kind of grody as-is, and you're building a ninth circle of meep, composed of screaming chickens and their multi-hued chickenmeep, in your own backyard.

Chicken meep is rich fertilizer and compost enriched with the poopies from these critters is easily packaged and sold as organic potting soil. A niche market at my production expectations, yes, but a market nonetheless.

Noise won't be much of an issue, nor will smell. I have more than enough acreage to keep the operation at a comfortable distance from the house.

2 - Do you have to murder the meat yourself?

Yes. I will be handling all of my own meat production and processing. In a pinch, you can have it done for a buck a bird or so, but then, that sort of defeats the entire purpose of a self sufficient operation. I suspect that at peak production I may need a friend or two to help with a couple of days of meat processing via bartering meat and eggs. Also, I have sons and it is a family farm I have in mind.

3 - Do you plan to hire workers, and if so, at what level of production are they going to be a good idea?

Probably not. Aside from egg inspection and packaging and perhaps bi-weekly butchering/packaging sessions, there isn't a whole lot that will need to be done on a daily basis. I have two sons that can help now and then and a third will be old enough to help in a few years. I doubt I'll need much help for day to day operations, though. It will be a full time job for me but that is exactly what I'm doing this for. My work days will regularly include, feed/water, cleaning, egg collection, inspection and packaging of about 300 to 500 or so eggs a day (300 full time layers max and their young replacements) plus local deliveries and of course taking order, etc.

4 - Do you plan to grow dour and taciturn in order to become a 'real' farmer, or will you retain your suburban penchant for jubilation? What about overalls?

lol, this is actually why I want to keep the thing kind of small scale. I don't want it to take over my life as much as become a full time job. Growing to a scale that requires employees, insurance, and all of the other wonderful things that come with owning and running a 'corporation' are exactly the things I want no part of. Sure, you can make more money this way but that's not my goal. My goal is to be small scale but in demand. With this market, that's pretty easy to achieve. Boutique farming vs full scale manufacturing; I'll take the boutique option every time.

...and yes, overalls are in my future. You can't farm without overalls fer meep sake.

COOPCAM

Hmm... that sounds like fun. Got a plan?

if it hasn't happened already, its only a matter of time until it dawns on you...

cirmeepference of egg [greater than or equal to] cirmeepference of little wotak

this too.

http://www.youtube.com/v/aQ43Zws-Dso&hl=en&fs=1&

Instead of having all your work ignored in the interests of someone else's bottom line, you're creating your own. I find this very admirable Wotak. In addition, the gift of a fresh chicken that's never been flash frozen or freakishly grown may be just what you need to start a friendship with neighbors that could lead to you being invited to hunt their vast tracks of deer sprinkled woodlands. Is it just me, or do Red Star chickens sound kinda Commie?

the meeping cops are meeping keen

to meeping keep it meeping clean

the meeping chief's a meeping swine

who meeping draws a meeping line

at meeping fun and meeping games

the meeping kids he meeping blames

are nowehere to be meeping found

anywhere in chicken town

the meeping scene is meeping sad

the meeping news is meeping bad

the meeping weed is meeping turf

the meeping speed is meeping surf

the meeping folks are meeping daft

don't make me meeping laugh

it meeping hurts to look around

everywhere in chicken town

the meeping train is meeping late

you meeping wait you meeping wait

you're meeping lost and meeping found

stuck in meeping chicken town

the meeping view is meeping vile

for meeping miles and meeping miles

the meeping babies meeping cry

the meeping flowers meeping die

the meeping food is meeping muck

the meeping drains are meeping meeped

the colour scheme is meeping brown

everywhere in chicken town

the meeping pubs are meeping dull

the meeping clubs are meeping full

of meeping girls and meeping guys

with meeping murder in their eyes

a meeping bloke is meeping stabbed

waiting for a meeping cab

you meeping stay at meeping home

the meeping neighbors meeping moan

keep the meeping racket down

this is meeping chicken town

the meeping train is meeping late

you meeping wait you meeping wait

you're meeping lost and meeping found

stuck in meeping chicken town

the meeping pies are meeping old

the meeping chips are meeping cold

the meeping beer is meeping flat

the meeping flats have meeping rats

the meeping clocks are meeping wrong

the meeping days are meeping long

it meeping gets you meeping down

evidently chicken town

Who/What certifies your meat/eggs?

^meepin rads to nocal for John Cooper Clarkes' poem Chickentown. I was glad to see someone else enjoys that.

Over the years I've known a few people that decided to go into the egg business on a small scale (basically to get rid of excess eggs). I can still get all the fresh eggs I want for $2 a dozen. You certainly won't get rich. Fresh free range eggs bear little resemblance to factory eggs. The shells are thicker and harder and the eggs themselves are nothing like the thin runny things people are used to buying at Safeway. The yokes are bright orange instead of sickly yellow and the flavor is much richer. I remember the last chicken I plucked and gutted. It was out at my old buddy Charlies place (RIP Charlie Red). He pulls out his pistol and shoots this meep rooster and asks me if I will take care of it. So I spend about 20 minutes cleaning the thing up (most of my foul experience is field dressing grouse which takes about 20 seconds). When I'm finished I take it over and hand it to Charlie who says "thanks Jimbo" and tosses it over the wire fence into the chicken coop. Those meepers had that carcass picked clean inside of two minutes. So much for chicken dinner. We had prime rib instead.

Wotak: If you haven't already, You've got to read "The Egg and I" by Betty MacDonald about the trials and tribulations of chicken farming. A true story that occurred about 50 miles from where I'm sitting right now. I wish you the best of luck, 300 chickens is a lot different than the 15-20 most people around here keep.

Thanks goddog. I'll look that up and have a read.

Chex: It's kind of a pain in the meep but if you want to sell organics you have to jump on the game train.

What are the input costs on an operation of the scale you're considering? Looks like you need a new building with utilities connected to it as well? With the revenues you're projecting, do you think you can sock enough away to bounce back from having to cull your flock if you get hit with a virus? Good luck, farming is a meepty existence.

In my own experience, I helped a friend "process" 40 chickens. It was a lot like Wotak had described. These meepers grew so fast, they couldn't even run from me. I fell into the pen all meepfaced, and the chickens barely moved. They ended up being very young, and so meeping huge that they couldn't even escape my drunken stranglehold. We had a mechanized plucker, followed by a butane torch to take off the pin feathers, followed by a gutter/cleaner who then vacuum sealed them. The chickens were then sealed and sold to local restaurants or thrown in the freezer. I know I'm new, but I think Wotak can do this, and I want to know how I can help with the Coopcam.

In my own experience, I helped a friend "process" 40 chickens. It was a lot like Wotak had described. These meepers grew so fast, they couldn't even run from me. I fell into the pen all meepfaced, and the chickens barely moved. They ended up being very young, and so meeping huge that they couldn't even escape my drunken stranglehold. We had a mechanized plucker, followed by a butane torch to take off the pin feathers, followed by a gutter/cleaner who then vacuum sealed them. The chickens were then sealed and sold to local restaurants or thrown in the freezer. I know I'm new, but I think Wotak can do this, and I want to know how I can help with the Coopcam.

What are the input costs on an operation of the scale you're considering?

I expect to put at least 1/3 of sales back into production. I expect that at times that could easily grow to 1/2 of sales due to fluctuations in supplementary feed, fuel, equipment repair, etc.

To be honest, I haven't been completely honest with regard to that. I have posted a photograph of the chicken coop that my Uncle built to hold a small flock. This is actually only going to be a breeding house where I will control egg fertilization. I plan on expanding it to comfortably hold about 50 hens and 2 roosters. Total cost, maybe $300 to quadrupole it's size. It's already wired.

What you don't know is that I already have a 50'x30' out-building on the property. That is where I will house the egg layers (offspring of the breeders) and the young meat roos. That building can comfortably hold 350 to 400 chickens since they will be pastured during the day. Pastured (free range) chickens require much less indoor room since they aren't confined and only go inside to roost for the evening lay eggs. I'll adjust that number down to 300 during the winter when they will not be outside as much due to the weather, but to be certified 'free range' they must have access to pasture during the day.

So, the major expenses (the buildings) are pretty much already there. I do have to set up proper ventilation, incubation and brooding areas as well as laying boxes and a small area for inspection and packaging. I also have an area set aside for product refrigeration/storage, which I have to build this winter.

This is why I'm not kicking off 100% until spring. I have a bunch of set-up to do over the winter.

All told, I'm about $2500 to $3000 and maybe 200 man-hours from launching in the spring.

Also, organic (my meat chickens) will require the same pasture access but there are a bunch logs and inspections that go along with that in order to remain certified organic (supplementary feed, water inspections, etc). This is why I need a meep-link breed. I need to be able to raise roos organically from day one, while the egg hens (not organic, just free range) can have medicated feed as chicks to give them a healthy hand up for their first month of life.

With the revenues you're projecting, do you think you can sock enough away to bounce back from having to cull your flock if you get hit with a virus?

Yes, I think it's very do-able within the first year. As with any start-up, there are risks and this is one of mine. Since my start-up costs are minimal thanks to the work my Uncle has already done, I'm lucky enough that my ROI will be pretty short term. I should be in the black within 4 or 5 months after I start delivery. Worst case - 12 months if I wanted to get really conservative. This is good because it gives me room to ramp up production as I enter the market and I can build an emergency fund while I'm doing this.

For someone who needs to start from the foundation up, this would be a much bigger risk and the ROI would extend into the first couple of years, I would guess. The only way to shorten the ROI would be to get into it on a much larger scale, say 30,000 hens and a huge factory style building that is financed under buyer contract at about 3 million start-up cost, with a one year ROI and some form of borrower insurance to cover loss. This is how a lot of the Tyson farmers get started. Not my cup of tea.

Also, Fracas - WIZBANG: http://www.youtube.com/v/FNvdWcEDpJ0&hl=en&fs=1&

Remember..Once a chicken fuker, always a chicken fuker.

http://www.youtube.com/v/B_ExP4JpLvM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999

On the fertilizer comment, be sure to properly line the bed of your truck with plastic before shovelling it full of meep. I once owned a truck that had done time as the meep-carter on a meat chicken farm, and you could watch the road go by through the rust holes in the floor, even after it was replaced with a 1/4" sheet of steel. It still rusted through from all the acid in the meep.

did you consider ducks at all? a farm over the road from me went from crops and livestock to duck farming exclusively, from what I can gather it's pretty profitable, with both the meat and eggs being a "premium" product. the guy over the road with the chickens also has a load of ducks because of this too. My uncle who has a few acres of land has branched into turkeys as well as a chickens for a longer term investment/payoff.

just did a quick google earth check of how many farms there are nearby, and considering the decline of farming in the uk, it's surprising that there's at least 20 within in a 2 mile radius of me, I know a several are on land owned by a few people but leased out to the actual farmers.

nice chicken plucker, the duck farmer dips his birds in a vat of hot wax, pulls them out and waits for the wax to harden, then pulls it off along with all the feathers.

I have a pond and have given raising ducks a bit of thought but duck isn't all that popular in the US so the market would be pretty small for me. I may raise a couple of turkeys though. They are cheap and easy to raise, I'd just have to keep them well away from the chickens. Chickens will make turkeys sick.

Dry plucking (waxing) is pretty common with ducks. Chickens have thinner skin and have to be scalded and wet plucked unless you want them skinless.

I'm really impressed by this. Your region has experienced a complete meltdown. When nothing else works, you either go back to the land or get the meep away. Those who stick it out often gain land if they have the nuts (foolhardy is a mark of great farmers) and meeps (wee volunteers) to make it happen. You've taken the chance and I hope it works.

Very cool,Wotak.Have you considered raising a few hogs?

I love pork but pig farms meeping stink to high heaven. I don't really want that smell around.

I have a neighbor with goats and I might try that but I'm not sure yet. I've heard that goats can be a pain in the meep to raise because they tend to collect parasites. The meat is great though, so I might try a few. I'll have to do some reading.

I wasn't thinking about a full-fledged pig farm.I was talking about just raising a couple of them.Slaughter time is at about 300 pounds,and it doesn't take that long to get there.

All the grain they can eat,take them to slaughter,or DIY,knowhaddamean?

Wotak here are some UK.edu links you might want to check out. U-M prolly has more relevant info to your area. poultry

goats

goat porn

Smoke: I'll tell ya what, you buy two piglets and bring them up here in the spring. You pay for half the feed for the summer. I'll raise them both to 350 lbs and butcher them in the early fall, then give you half the meat. When you come to pick up your meat, we'll pig roast half of mine and beer it up for a weekend. I'll buy the boozes and share my AIDS meds with ya.

Fastlane: Thanks for the linkz. I've been pouring over these for months now but more is always cool.

For anyone interested, this is one of the best, easy to read and educational resources I've been able to find regarding the type of farming I am getting into. This farm raises 250 pastured birds so it's very close to the scale I'm planning on working at as well.

Technically, it's not a chicken farm, but a chicken ranch.

Which makes it a meephouse in Texas.

How is the chicken ranch doing? Are you selling any eggs or meat yet?

Have you had to choke your chicken yet?

First time I saw this post.

You know, Wotak, I didn't think I'd say anything like this, but sometimes I'm glad you stuck around.

Loltak,

Which chicken tastes the best? GIve us special chicken recipez.

They all pretty much taste the same, breed-wise. The difference between chickens you buy in a store and chickens you raise in your backyard is night and day, but the breed isn't what makes them different. It's the filthy living conditions, total lack of exercise and steady diet of steroids and antibiotics that make the chicken you buy at the store disgustingly horrible for you and full of chemical and bacteria laced fat. The chickens you raise in your backyard have a healthy amount of fat. The meat has a normal texture, like grass fed beef or rabbit or deer meat. Unlike the store bought/factory farmed chicken which has pretty texture-less meat that just kind of mushes apart when you bite into it. Most people think chicken is supposed to have that greasy/mushy texture and that's sad.

I don't have any special recipes. I love eggs and eat two or three a day. I cook a mean chicken soup but it's not a special recipe. Just one of Grandma's basics: boil a whole chicken down to stock, pick out all the bones, add veggies and simmer until about 15 minutes before serving, then add noodles. I also like BBQ chicken and roasted chicken with rosemary and thyme. Beercan chicken on the smoker is also pretty delicious. I think I've posted that recipe already.

"They all pretty much taste the same, breed-wise."

That's a little disappointing. I remember a this American life where they detailed Francois Mitterand's last meal, it involved a small bird being drowned in cognac and then specially prepared. Just saying, if you drowned a chicken in cognac (or bourbon) and then barbecued it-it would be awesome. Or it would suck, but at least you could say "I drowned a meeping chicken in bourbon".

The bird is prepared by drowning it in Armagnac, cooked and then served whole, eaten bones and all. Interesting story.

Farms grow crops. Ranches grow animals.

Pedants grow tiresome.

this may mean nothing to you, because you live in meeptown USA, but there are a few whole foods stores in the bay area that sell duck eggs for $10/dozen

I know, it's all about location. Duck eggs really are superior to chicken eggs. They are larger and have heartier shells that keep them fresh longer. The yolks taste very rich and flavorful. Ducks are just not as easy to use as egg birds because they don't adapt to battery egg farming conditions. Otherwise we'd probably all be eating duck eggs instead of chicken eggs.

The Indian Runner ducks that I have are one of the best laying ducks of all the breeds. They are pretty much egg-a-day birds. I'm looking forward to when they start laying. Going forward, I'd much rather have 300 ducks than 300 chickens but the egg gathering chores would suck hard. These little ducks just literally drop eggs wherever they happen to be waddling at the time.

ok then perhaps a pertinent question: have you thought about trying to find executive level work in a large farming operation? maybe this is a stupid question, but i imagine that you might have luck in some capacity.

then again i don't know if that is anything you'd be interested in.

Yes, actually I have put feelers into that market. This local project is something that I believe is an ideal model for all large cities in the future. Local food produced on a large scale in an ecologically friendly manner is much better for the environment that the way we currently do things in this country.

I have spoken with one of the upper HR exec's regarding their future engineering needs and to express my enthusiasm for this project. They are still a few years from doing anything large scale but it looks like a promising venture that I would absolutely love to be involved with. That said, this type of green, sustainable corporate agricultural project is the only type I'd be interested in working on. By and large I disdain corporate farming for the disgusting greedfest that it is. I would rather collect scrap metal for a living than work for a Tyson, Del Monte or Monsanto-style meeppile of a corporation. I simply couldn't betray my own core values and work for that type of corporation. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did. This type of rape, pollute and pillage business model goes against everything I believe is important regarding food production.

The one thing I have that a lot of engineers don't have is the fact that I grew up as a very poor kid and I have never looked back at my childhood with anything but wonder. The happiest days of my life were also the poorest and I've never been afraid of economic hardship. As much as I like to have money to buy gizmo's and gadgets, I don't put much weight into material possessions and I never have. I would rather build something really cool than buy a top-of-the-line anything. I think this character trait is something that has allowed me to always be proud of the positions I've chosen throughout my career and feel satisfied with my career and the work that I've done as a professional. I am working hard to teach these morals to my children because I think it will make them better men in a world that desperately needs better men.

That dirt aside, I'm still getting the occasional invite for an interview (I actually have one this Tuesday) and I've been focusing my work search on smaller businesses and upstarts. Maybe this one will pan out, maybe it won't but either way my core personal values will remain intact.

That said, this type of green, sustainable corporate agricultural project is the only type I'd be interested in working on.

get your green card and come on down to california.

Turning your back on raping and pillaging? That's just plain unamerican.

-=Whittey=-