Border Patrol

Well, I had an interesting morning. I had to go in to the shop for a few hours today and was on my way in at about 7:45. I drive M-29 straight in to the shop and it takes me about 20 minutes to get to work. At about the half way point I go through a small town called Saint Clair. The entire route follows the shore of the St. Clair river so I see plenty of Border Patrol Agents around here. They don't really do anything but watch the river so nobody pays much attention to them as they drive around in their giant SUV's all day on the tax payers dime. I swear to god it's got to be the most boring job on earth.

Anyway, I was about 5 miles from my house and I came up behind a Border Patrol truck that was tailgating a minivan. The speed limit was 50 and the minivan was doing about 43 MPH. I knew there was a long no passing zone coming up so I pulled out, ran it up to 60 and passed them both. I coasted back down to 55 and turned up the radio. I always travel 5 over on this road and have never been bothered by the County, State or Local municipals. It's pretty standard fare in Michigan to do 5 over everywhere except residential areas. meep, 10 over has become acceptable on Interstates around here.

So I'm cruising along about 3 miles from Saint Clair when I see this Border Patrol truck swing out and pass the minivan. I glance at my speedo and I'm pegged at 55. He came up on my meep at a high rate of speed. Easily 85 or 90 and followed me all the way into Saint Clair with hardly a single vehicle length between our bumpers. As soon as we entered the town limits and the lane split into two lanes, he puts on his lights. WTF?

I pull over and he walks up to my window. He starts to speak and I say, "what did you pull me over for?" He ignores the question and asks for my ID. I reach up and take it from the visor and ask him again, "why did you pull me over?"

"Well sir", he states, "you passed me back there in a no passing zone."

"Ah, no, I didn't. I have been driving this route for 8 years and I know where the no passing zones are."

"You were also traveling at a high rate of speed." He says.

"No, my vehicle never went above 60 MPH and even if it had, you wouldn't know because you're not equipped with radar."

At this point I'm looking at his face and he seems a bit taken aback at my lack of capitulation toward his false authority. He looked to be 25 at the most and my first impression was that he was a meepsure newb on an ego trip. I decided to push that line of thought and challenge this little meeper because now he was just pissing me off.

"Are you going to stand there and harass me all morning or are you going to give me back my ID so I can go back to work?"

"Sir, you were also swerving back and forth in traffic, I thought you might be intoxicated."

Now I'm so meeping pissed my face starts going red and I want to kick this little mother meeper in his meep.

"No I didn't. There isn't any traffic out here but you and that minivan I just passed..."

He cuts me off;

"Sir, do you have any drugs or weapons in the car?"

"Nope, and I don't have any terrorists either. Don't you have anything else to do besides harass random citizens on their way to work on a Saturday morning?"

"He ignores the obviousness of this question and in another attempt to get me to capitulate to his gust asks, "Have you ever been in trouble with the law?"

"Yes" I state bluntly.

"For what?"

"I don't have to answer your questions."

"It'll be quicker if you do."

(RAGE)

"Are you threatening me?"

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"No, and I do not recognize your authority to pull me over for no reason."

"Sir, I'm going to find out anyway, you need to answer my question. Do you have any warrants?"

"I don't have to answer your questions. You're not even a meeping cop."

"Yes I am, Mr. ah, Wotak. I am a Federal Agent and I can take you into custody for any arrest-able offense. Are you going to answer my questions or not?"

"No, I do not recognize your authority to pull me over for no reason and harass me on my way to work and I am not required by law to answer any of your questions. I would also like you to know that I too can arrest anyone for committing a crime. It's called a citizens arrest and it's pretty much the same level of authority you have over me as a law abiding US citizen."

"Sir, please wait here while I call this in to check for warrants."

As he's walking away I say, "Yeah, and while your at it, why not call a Saint Clair Police Officer over to explain to me exactly what authority you have to make illegal traffic stops, ok?"

"I'll be right back, Sir."

I'm meeping fuming. I want to get out of my car and strangle this little meepsucker. He knows he can't ticket me and he knows that he has no real reason to search my vehicle. He knows I'm not fooled by his bullmeep authority bluff and this entire incident is bullmeep. I light a smoke and call my boss to tell him I'm running late. I'm telling him about the harassment when the Agent walks back up to my window. I tell him I'll see him in a few minutes and hand up. The meephead stands there with my license waiting.

"Sir, the reason I pulled you over was because I suspected you were intoxicated. Now that I have, I see that you aren't. You have no warrants. You're free to go."

He reaches out to hand my license to me and when I grab it he doesn't let go. I let go and look into his face as he reaffirms, "Sir I have the authority to arrest you. In the State of Michigan, I have the authority to take you into custody for any arrest-able offense."

"Well, then I guess you're meep out of luck today, huh buckaroo?" "The last time I checked, driving to work on a Saturday is not an 'arrest-able' offense so are you going to give me back my meeping ID so I can get to work or are you going to stand there and polish your ego all day?"

"Sir, I..."

"Seriously, I have meep to do, are we through here or are you trying to think of another bullmeep reason to continue detaining and harassing a law abiding US citizen?"

"Have a nice day Sir" He says as he finally hands me my license and starts to walk away.

"What a meeping meep." I say loud enough for him to hear as he heads for his truck.

Man, what a meeping morning. I still cannot believe the nerve of that little meepsucker. I hope I bump into him in a bar one night. I'd like to revisit this discussion about his authority with a knuckle sammich and a knee to the groin.

I don't know how many of you Swarmers have these assholes dolittling around your neck of the woods but I'd be interested in hearing about any other run-ins with these fascist, ego tripping meeps.