Melodramatic Downerville

We never get over lost daddy and son. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.

Yeah. Probably never, somehow. Ya just gotta roll with this meep and meet the sun for each new day, bro.

It's obvious your pop was smart, you're pretty sharp yourself. Kudos to you for not wallowing in pity and perpetuating that all too present cycle.

My earliest memory is from when I was 4 months old. I feel myself descending and kick my leg up and cansee hospital bracelet on my ankle. Then I'm handed to someone in the backseat of a car - no child restraints in the 70s. I went to the hospital when I was 4 months old because I had some rare blood infection. After 3 weeks in neo natal intensive care they realized it was sprite residue on my heel from the site where my blood was drawn. Yay Santa Rosa hospital in San Antonio, Texas.

Oh, man, I'm at a loss for words. I have no experience or authority to speak to these matters, but here is what I can say...

Your Mom obviously loved your Dad pre-war, and regardless of what happened to him or what he changed into, she still the loved the man before he changed. She doesn't deny the side that is negative, she is just trying to remember the good man that he once was.

Suicide is a cowardly, selfish act, and there is no excuse for it. But, your father's actions and decisions were greatly affected by what he experienced, which nobody can ever or will ever know. Unfortunately for your family and your father, the battle between the will to live and the desire to end it all, was won by the latter. Although we aren't privy to whatever experiences resulted in this tipping point, we can let our thoughts wander to some pretty horrible meep, particularly with the examples that you have provided. All that I know, is that if I ever experienced what your father experienced, I would never, ever be the same. Throw drug use on top of that and most likely I would end it all.

Are we a product of our last actions? Our worst? Our best? Your father was a mix of many things, some great, some awful. Since you entered the picture during his awful period, it is no wonder why you hold the opinion that you do. Does that mean you are right about his character? Perhaps only about the portion that you experienced or remember. You are justified to your conclusions, as he did ditch you and your family when they could have used his presence the most. But to be fair to him, try to understand the other parts and experiences that made him whole. Unfortunately, nobody will talk to you, because they are unwilling or dead, so you must find these on your own.

Remember, that although you are your father's son, you don't have to live his life or mistakes. You have chosen to take your obligation as a father very seriously, and if your distaste and anger towards him make you a better man and father, then something good is coming from your experience. But don't let the anger blind you to giving your Dad a fair shake. From your writing, it appears that you are honest with yourself, but always be sure to explore that conclusion... if you have anger or hatred, explore it. Anything negative must be understood, otherwise you are slowly digesting poison.

You are wise man, Wotak. Now go continue being a good Dad and husband.

I fart.

the father son thing is always a tricky one, i never knew and probably will never get the urge to find my biological father, but it would be interesting to see if any of my traits have been inherited somehow from him genetically or if its just my own stupid fault. that way i could have some clue if i've sabotaged my own son's future in some small way, which is probably a given anyway.

Sorry to hear about your dad. No matter how young you were, I'm sure it had an impact. Perhaps your father did it to spare you the horror of being raised by his own "different" self. I can't imagine what it would be like in his shoes after losing all my friends and witnessing so much death firsthand.

That conflict ruined otherwise good men.Made them into screaming masses of meep at the sound of chopper blades. Made them into monsters on the inside, and those monsters sometimes consumed them. Sometimes it left them babbling to themselves on the streets.

I came home from Gulf 1 a hero. Your dad came home from doing what he felt was the "right" thing to do to a country and world that despised the soldier. I cannot imagine, but I have an old goat vet of a buddy that gets meeping pissed drunk and shouts it. I see into his eyes and see what it did to him. He says he died over there, and his body is all that came home.We are starting to see this trend again.

I am sorry about how your mom comes off. There are varying degrees of grief, sorrow,guilt, and shame. Shame, for whatever reason, is the silent one.You can talk about what you feel guilty about.Families of people who off themselves are typically ashamed, suffering in the silence.

I admire the fact that you didn't let it destroy you.

Sam Stone was alone When he popped his last balloon Climbing walls while sitting in a chair Well, he played his last request While the room smelled just like death With an overdose hovering in the air But life had lost its fun And there was nothing to be done But trade his house that he bought on the G, I. Bill For a flag draped casket on a local heroes' hill

bob:"I admire the fact that you didn't let it destroy you."

^ Precicely this. Consider what a wonderful father it has turned you into, this lifelong rejection of parental absenteeism. Where you might have continued the cycle and taken a very poor view of parenting, you have instead let it inspire you to fatherly greatness. Kudos for that.

OVAR AND OUT.

I hatelove every one of you.

Thanks, meepgots.

And it should be clear that we all love you too.

PS I embrace my meepgorty