I need advice.....

OK. First, what's your take on why she thinks you're "pushing her away emotionally"?

well, she says that I'm distant. I think in reality she is having a hard time with us not having much time to ourselves. My daughter is with us pretty much every n ight, and until we move next tuesday, we are in a small 1 bedroom apartment. I think she wants more time with me alone, which I am trying to provide to her. I still can't excuse her actions though, it's like cheating to me. I'm really struggling with this emotionally

...seriously...do you think it's going to magically get better?

If you love her you will let her go.

meeping myspace.com destroys lives, first of all.

I know how it is to put complete trust into someone and then get meeped over, and, no, it's not funny at all. As much as it sucks, everything happens for a reason (<~~this is probably the last thing you'd want to hear in a situation like this, but awful meep occurs to strengthen one in the long run). Give it time. Hold out for a while and see what happens. And don't do anything irrationally or impulsively. It's pretty difficult, but don't let your emotions interfere with logic ~~> Either way it goes, accept things for what they are, not how you'd like for them to be, and I promise things'll turn out for the best.

I do hope that you two work it all out. But if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be; there's always somebody else out there better than before (and I say this from personal experiance).

I hope I have typed all this in a way that is non-offensive, in terms of how things may or may not pan out in the grand scheme of things.

NINJA --

You are such a meeping meep.

thanks guys and no i'm not offended. I left such a horrible relationship and found in my wife a woman that makes me feel like I want to be alive just to see what will happen next. because of that, what's happening is cutting me so deep I don't know just how to react. Besides this, I'm also dealing with information from my ex's friends that are leading me to believe she is abusing my daughter when she's with her. I've got a lot on my plate right now and it's the first time in my life I honestly have had thoughts enter my head that scare the meep out of me, mostly because I know in my heart I'm not kidding.

I don't know why you would call me that, sunny. Marriage is about sacrifice, and when one spouse is not willing to do this, the marriage will have problems. You are too young and headstrong to understand this.

This is what makes her happy, straydog. You need to be more trusting of your wife. Love is not about spying, despite what James Bond movies teach us.

i don't want to spy mcdeath. I mean, but meep! there is obviously something going on i NEED to know about? How many men is she going to meep before I stop "trusting" her?

I don't know how many. That is up to you. Marriage is a two-way street and if she is doing things and men that make her happy, obviously this will not make you happy. Maybe you do not belong together.

Her mind is made up dude. Let her go. IF you two manage to get through this and stay together do you really want this hanging over your head till death do you part?

Sunny please don't comment on this topic. It's trashed out meep like yours that get all emotional and try to be "The best advice giver on the internet" . The one who pops in here and uses her experiance of getting the dirty sanchez by everyone who said they loved you only to dump you the next day because of a strange burning sensation.

^^ I don't care what you think. Don't make me call you out for all those cyber attempts that i rejected.

Sorry Straydog but it serves you right for baiting her on myspace (wtf myspace??), she's your wife, not some girl you've just met in school. You two should be able to talk this out like grown ups.

Sounds very much like you were burnt badly in you past relationship and so you're overcompensating in this one. Think you could be smothering her by constantly checking her emails and "accidentally" logging into her myspace to see who's she's talking with?

You need to start trusting her. If she wants to cheat on you then, sorry mate, she's gonna do it. Take her out, have a chat about things in general. I'm sure most of this you're just building up in your head.

And dude, don't ever let her find out about the fake myspace thing.

Forget about this "not spying" stuff - you have every right to call her on fooling around. And lying to you...again. That is a serious offense. Did you ask her why she changed her password?

Ask yourself this question: suppose your fake myspace character convinced her they should meet - and you were stting there when she showed up; what would you say, and where would it go? Maybe the answer to that question will help give you some insights into your own feelings.

i appreciate your words jwalker. I fully intend on continuing on this path. And if I can convince her to meet me, I will. I will do exactly as you proposed. That's my plan, although I pray to god her response to my last message is "I'm married please leave me alone". If it is, I will let this go an never mention it to her. After all, saying someone else is attractive over the internet has little bearing on our relationship. Following through, however, will leave her husbandless.

Counseling ASAP

jesus kahuna did you miss the first few sentences of my post?

I'm not going to bother reading a lot of this, but the best way to fix a problem is always communication, even if its through councelling. Perhaps an offering of whiskey and some vicodin could woo her back?

stop doing myspace meep.

sit down and have a real, adult, married-person heart to heart talk. if you're 'distant', that's really not good enough. what exactly do you do or don't do? what can you change?

get all that meep out into the open and then take corrective steps. let her know that you're committed but you have to be able to trust her. ultimately, it's her decision since she's the one looking outside the marriage. ask her what she really wants. if she wants to work through it, then you can go forward from there.

if you arrange a myspace meeting, you may as well file for divorce today.

I did.

Seriously, what kind validation are you seeking here?

That your spying is justified?

That you can spot the problem with your marriage, and the internet (Linkswarm.com!?!) is your Dr. Phil to spring to the rescue?

That you entrapped your wife?

Many ppl here hinted that marriage shouldn't be on your dancecard, as usual you ignored this advice, like you will predictably ignore the advice given to you today. This seems to me to be a drama injection much like these:

alcoholism

hepatitis

Not to mention #megarad lolsomes.

kahuna, never thought I'd say this to you, but meep OFF.

you don't want to hear what I have to say then don't respond. It'd be great if you could quit being a meep though. T'WOULD BE AWESOME I MUST SAY.

Also worth mentioning is the giant meeping divorce picture at the top of this joint , maybe you missed that.

sigh

whatever man. meeping whatever

This is all so exciting!

I think the fact that she gave you a somewhat straightforward answer to your first inquiry is positive. Let me go out on a limb and suggest that most women (and men for that matter) don't make plans to cheat. So you have an opportunity to talk things over with her, to give her whatever support, nurturing, etc., she needs--before she jumps on the first target of opportunity that buys her a drink at a bar.

Do not--DO NOT--assume you know what she's thinking or what's motivating her. You cannot possibly know, but in a distraught frame of mind you will begin to combine suspicions, wounded feelings and a few known facts. Together this will precipitate a downward spiral of mistrust and anger. Then you won't be interested in hearing what's on her mind, because you will have already made up your mind that she's out to abandon your relationship.

Talk it out. If it's a matter of her needing more face time with you, then give it so far as it's possible. If she's upset because of the apartment, or moving, or sharing time with your daughter, let her know that you're facing these problems together--that you're sharing the adversity. Reinforce to her that what happens to one of you happens to both.

hey LK....meep OFF! I meant that meep in all seriousness! meep OFF! I'm a big advocate for nipping things at the bud (yes, based on personal hellish experiences). Every man has a little switch deep inside of him, and when it's been thrown, it never gets turned off. The fact that you're married to a woman who isn't over her ex's (at least to the point that she can stop emailing them about meep dreams) is enough for you know that it's all downhill from here. The switch has been thrown, you will never trust her again, she is a black hole of drama and regret and you just keep flying your little meeping paper plane back in.

meeping whatever That's the spirit! :D

on second thought...

The switch has been thrown, you will never trust her again, she is a black hole of drama and regret and you just keep flying your little meeping paper plane back in.

QuotedForTruth

P.S. what I'm hinting at here is not that you should try to "work it out", rather that you should "get the meep out" of the situation.

Aside from the fact that you love her, why do you stay? What do you get from this relationship other than the seemingly constant strife and misery?

I say run long and far.

Let me preface my post by saying that I don't "believe in divorce." I want to get married once, because my parents have each been married three times, and their spoouses have each been married twice. I'm scared to death of divorce.

That being said, dump this meep as fast as you can. Make sure you get full custody, and don't let her have so much as unsupervised visitation.

She's an alcoholic, she may have cheated on you, and she is possibly abusing your daughter. What will it take for you to realize that you shouldn't be with her? Do you need her to actually hurt your daughter? Maybe break one of her bones by accident in a drunken fit? Maybe that sounds like hyperbole to you, but think about what is most important: your marriage or a child.

You SHOULD NOT trust her. Trust is meeping earned. I don't think what you did was wrong, particularly. It wasn't "entrapment." How meeping LOL is that sentiment. If I am married, and a hot woman messages me on myspace, I just say, "Thanks for the compliment; you are very pretty. I bet my wife would think so too." or something equally inoffensive.

You have to know that 1) you are not her saviour 2) her therapist 3) her social worker 4) her AA sponsor or 5) her father.

So far, all she's actually been doing is flirting. That's not cheating and it doesn't normally lead to cheating.

What she's doing is getting online the emotional reinforcement that she feels is missing from your relationship.

She changed her password and lied about things because she's embarrased and afraid that you would blow it out of proportion. Which, I think, is exactly what you have done.

The MySpace trap was a little Jr. High but it should have given you a little insight into what she wants from you.

Now put away the jealous bullmeep. Hire a baby sitter or better yet send the kid to stay with friends or family for a whole weekend. Spend every minute with her. You'll learn a lot more about what's going on by listening than by talking so mostly keep your mouth shut. Random acts of romantic niceness will go a long way at this point.

Don't meep up. Remember that before she was your wife she was your girlfriend so treat her like your girl friend all the time.

The things you describe are typical of what happens when THIS is happening.

Note my prophetic statement in that journal entry....

"Good luck brother...it's only going to get worse. Gauranteed."

well, a few things need to be clarified

a) she's not abusing my daughter. It's my ex that's doing this, the mother of my child

b) she's no longer drinking. I keep close tabs on our checking account for liquor store or large gas station purchases and there are none. neither are there atm withdrawals I don't remember making myself

c) i'm getting some really good stuff here, from all points of view. I appreciate your remarks, really.

"The switch has been thrown, you will never trust her again, she is a black hole of drama and regret and you just keep flying your little meeping paper plane back in."

this is true in theory but is not quite my reality, I think. Yes, she has dramatic moments, but there are a LOT of really great times that generally outweigh these bad things. I don't think she is the drama ball that you all think she is. I understand the perception, seeing as how I don't post journals all the time saying "lol my wife kissed me" or "omg she makes the best stew!!" All you see are my problems and concerns. This is not a fair portrait of our relationship.

"Aside from the fact that you love her, why do you stay? What do you get from this relationship other than the seemingly constant strife and misery?"

the key word here is "seemingly". as stated above, there is lots of awesome mixed in with these dramatic occurrences. She fulfills me. She makes me feel valued, loved, respected and adored. I haven't had that before, and especially after my last relationship I have a very deep NEED for that. I love her in a way I never thought I could, I love her so much it hurts. That's why what is going on now is so concerning to me.

azron, your comments hit the nail on the head.....that post helped me sort things out a lot in my head. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

" I keep close tabs on our checking account for liquor store or large gas station purchases and there are none. neither are there atm withdrawals I don't remember making myself"

Do you have any idea how unhealthy that statement sounds?

What happened to some thearapy or professional help or whatever? You could learn lots.

If you love her why don't you trust her? You watch your finances to make sure she's not drinking. You read her emails to make sure she's not cheating on you. At what point do you stop being just concerned and start being largely paranoid of everything she does?

sigh you guys are making this out to be much more psycho than it really is.

i didn't intentionally snoop on her myspace message. We have always checked each others messages, she checked mine, i checked hers not to spy but just because if we were interested it was always ok. ALWAYS. it was never weird of offensive when she did it to me, or me to her, BECAUSE WE HAD NOTHING TO HIDE.

until i opened that message. Then everything changed. Suddenly I was "snooping" where before it was just how we lived! It changed because she now, she has something to hide.

I check my back account, because when she was drinking A LOT behind my back and already passed out when I got home with my daughter at 5 oclock it was BECAUSE she was doing this meep! After it became a problem, I started to pay closer attention so I could HELP her with her problem, not spy on her! I don't even have to look anymore because 3 or 4 weeks went by with nothing and now I trust AGAIN (because I had good reason to LOSE that trust) that she isn't doing that. Plus, now when I bring a 12 pack home, there are still 8 left the next day.

I am not psycho. I am concerned for very valid reasons.