To his end

I can relate and understand...

It gets worse as the years go by.

peace unto you

Thanks, ghost.

But the strongest part of me believes that there is need for pain from the past. < That comes from the part of me that has driven through everything. Years are not only meant for compilation, they are also meant for foundation.

I can unfortunately relate to your experience as well. A few years back a dear friend whom I saw/hung with often took his own life in violent fashion.

The thing that was most difficult for me and others was feeling that we could have done more or that if we would have changed our actions in the past, perhaps he still would be here. I was especially guilty feeling because he called me on the day he shot himself and I saw his number on the caller ID and didn't pick up.

But ultimately, through time, which is the best healer, I have come to the conclusion that for me personally, such thoughts do not work. There is NOTHING I could have done to heal him or anyone else who is in such deep misery that they are even considering taking their own life.

Unfortunately, we are all wired differently. Some of us seem to get the bum rap with our genetically pre-disposed receptor growth and chemical layout and this is often made worse by our experiences since birth, personal choices and such things. Every once in a while it leads to someone existing in a very dark pace and they choose to check out instead of accepting the gift of life. Sad especially as those of us who have been in these dark places know that not a thing anyone around us says or does has much effect at all.. It's ultimately up to us to pull ourselves out of it.

The most important thing for me in my healing, which unfortunately came late, was allowing myself to feel and experience every emotion that needed to be released. Repression was my enemy in this. (oh.. and numbing through opiate abuse) I don't recommend either for anyone!

It's totally natural to feel all sorts of conflicting emotions right now including anger! It's a meeped up situation and seems to confuse us to the core of our being.

Wishing you and the family strength through this. Strength combined with Time can help a lot.

^ Blah blah blah, you fuking beachgoat.

Phlebas, good for you. I hate the part where you drop bad news and then have to wait for everyone present to trot out the obligatory "Oh... I'm so sorry" bit so you can get on with the non-pity-script parts of the tale.

Not to say that this doesn't suck -- of course it sucks -- but saccharine reassurances probably aren't what you're after.

So I will say: Don't follow him.

so it's c00l to rag on people who have had family die?

k... I've always wondered what it would be like if a family member died in a strange situation. For example just say your dad died while inserting a meep in his meep and jacking off to meep pr0n? How awkward would the funeral be?

Why are you such a meep qwerty, no one is ragging on phlebas.

Is there nothing decent about you?

I had a friend from my therapy group commit suicide about three weeks ago. I thought he had it together despite the usual stresses. I know it angers me. But, it scares me as well. What is the tipping point? Could I sink that low? I really don't believe I could go there. Don't get me wrong. In the immortal words of George Michael, I "Choose Life". I guess that is part of the problem. I can't wrap my mind around it. My youngest brother also had two of his longtime friends commit suicide this year and it devastated him. It just pisses me off. But, ultimately it's there bag, not mine. I guess that just means that there is more pie for me.

phlebas, you said, No Sympathy, please.

If your brother had been diagnosed with a dilating and painful disease in which he had endured all of his life, how and when he chose to end his suffering might be easier for friends and family members to accept. However, your brothers diagnosis was organic brain disease (mental illness) and many people (maybe even yourself) often do not understand this is a disease like other diseases (heart disease and diabetes, etc) which although can be treated and managed, the treatment (with mind numbing drugs) is often described by many schizophrenic/bi-polar individuals to be worse than the disease.

Evidence from studies looking at incidents of schizophrenia as a function of genetic relatedness suggests that heritability does indeed play some role in causing schizophrenia. However, schizophrenia is not purely a genetic disorder as shown by the fact that even when both parents are schizophrenic, the child has only about a 30% chance of being schizophrenic. This has lead many researches to believe that what is inherited is a predisposition towards schizophrenia which may or may not result in actual symptoms.

By some hap-hazard chance in the random roll of the dice your brother was the unlucky member of the family who inherited the genes (or the predisposition for) both Bi-polar and schizophrenia.

It could have been you, or your own off spring.

When you stop thinking about your brother and his aberrant behavior of the past in terms of how it has impacted upon your life and realize he had a disease maybe one day you can appreciate the pain he was suffering when he decided to take his own life.

To everyone: Thank you very much.

This is a strange and painful time, but having a forum in which I can relay this situation to others and not get the obligatory "I'm sooo sorry," the "if there is anything I can do," or the dreaded "how did it happen?" works wonders for the soul - it is a nice grounding mechanism for me to write things out. It allows me to review and analyze not only the situation, but the emotions that drive the text.

Sometimes people can be unintentionally cruel with sympathy. They mean well, but, in this situation, there really is nothing that they can do other than be themselves. Walking on eggshells just invites the 300 pound gorilla to the table for egg-salad.

The reactions I have received in this journal, people relating and giving advice, have become a part of my healing.

On a bright note, my best friend is having a big-ole barbecue tonight and there is no better therapy for me than friends, food and beer.

I will be a stronger person for having gone through this and this journal is just another step in that direction.

Thank you.

Sucks to be you dude.

^ That is patently obvious.

love's pure light

Take advice and comfort from the Atheists , they know the meaning of life.

:') This entry made me cry! I can relate...one of my best friends commited suicide x-mas 04-05, and it doesn't seem real. A very beautiful girl that i was good friends with died of head on collision, and it also doesn't seem real. Death, in perspective, boils down to this: All that lives was born to die. But when the death is a result of some horrible tragedy, it becomes harder to accept and deal with. Just remember that the ones we love never really leave us; they stay in our hearts forever.

The main thing I can relate to, though, is the illness part...my father is bipolar/schizo-affective. Yet still living, he may as well have already passed; his life has reduced to nothingness. Sometimes it's better to think that, despite the loss of a loved one (by death, mind you), that person has found peace in passing.

Remember the good times you had with your brother; he'd want it that way. Talk to him; loved ones always listen.

(For the record, I'm a Catholic, so my statements were made in the christian perspective.)

I agree with Vas. I'm not going to try and "relate" because that isn't going to make anything better. Take your time to get over it, and please confide in some IRL friends.

And don't kill yourself.

^ I'm not the only one who related to IRL experiances, meep meep

Wow, somebody thought she was so special that a post that didn't mention her at all happened to be about her. Get over yourself.

Just because I sent you cool pictures of googly-eyed vaginas...

wow, what a shocker that a man who once told a LS member that his mom's death from cervical cancer was due to "meeper sperm" and another who is called an meep here almost daily cannot relate to people relating their own experiences with death and suicide.

sometimes when a person makes a post like this and says "please no sympathy" and "I write this because I cannot understand" it causes people to relate their own experiences at trying to understand similar events.

How does "take your time dude, don't kill yourslef" help someone understand why their brother did this?

The purpose of this journal entry seemed to be about plebas trying to get some answers, not you and Vas commenting on what everyone else wrote.

meep bags..

"The purpose of this journal entry seemed to be about plebas trying to get some answers, not you and Vas commenting on what everyone else wrote," he said, typing in his comment on what everyone else wrote and hitting enter.

Freakbass:

If I remember correctly, it was ovarian cancer, and the cause was not of "meeper sperm", but of birthing negroes out of wedlock.

Wow, this is devolving...

Yeah, sorry about that.

Rather than continuing to meep up this thread with our petty bullmeep, someone start a relevant forum thread ("Freakbass is a meepgot" or "I am Freakbass and I don't think I'm a meepgot" or whatever motivates the offtopicness here) and try to keep this on track.

Phlebas, let me know if you want any of the above deleted, or I can set you up with access to do it yourself in this here. I think it's warranted. I probably should have posted this last time instead of trying to be subtle about it.

Hi, I'm a meepbag.