HOWTO: Crisco meep!

Here at Megarad and LinkSwarm, your education is important to us: we want you to grow up right. Metatr0n's recent HOWTO: meep @ Work journal entry inspired me to continue the trend of domeepenting certain of life's more important manuevers.




So today, I offer you my HOWTO Crisco meep entry.




It has pictures in it.

I think a common misconception about Crisco meep is that it requires a lot of tools and a lot of time. This is pretty much untrue. You'll want to stock up and do it right, but you can get by with just a few essential ingredients. Here we have plastic sheeting and duct tape(crucial if you value your home as a non-greasy place), a small cutter, various kinds of alcohol and related implements, and, of course, Crisco. You can go with generic shortening: it's all the same stuff.




The deconstructed hard disk you can get from work when someone tries to throw it out, and if you feel the sad history of cheap beer is important, well, you can obtain that too. But that part'll take a while.




Collecting these components -- minus the misery stack of Labatt cases -- should take at most an hour.




So you've got your ingredients, you're all set up, and hopefully you've already nipped into the tequila a time or two. It's time to fix up the bed. (You can just tape the plastic sheeting to the floor if you like, but only if you have a lot of self-loathing onboard.)

Lay out the plastic sheeting and arrange it tautly over the bare mattress, and then tape the meep out of it. You really want this stuff staying down, because when you get all greased up and you've got your meep out, the last thing you want to do is muck about fixing up some plastic tarp instead of continuing to put your meep places.




Here, we've used some nice SciFi-looking yellow duct tape LOki gave me when my car window fell in the door. I wonder if he imagined its future path through my life. In any case, this stuff is very strong, comes off cleanly, and is very pleasing to the eye. You'll feel like you're taping up a crime scene, which, if you think about it, is exactly what you're doing.




Sodomy rules.

Here you can see the wrap-around tape job we did. It's important to tape the plastic down everywhere you can. I think Crisco might leave stains. I dunno.




Also, if you can obtain a NetFrame, pictured here stage right, do so. Instruct your girlfriend to refer to it as "The Tardis," and you'll feel like Dr. Who whizzing around with animal lard on your meep.




Remember: no slugfuk experience is complete without ancient computing devices!



Don't forget to take a break for more booze. This entire experience should last several hours at best; it took you about thirty minutes to set up, so why not take your time?

Your girlfriend may encourage you to fuk the thing of Crisco. If this occurs, you should try your best to please her.




Go slowly at first -- you don't want the Crisco to get up your meep-hole!

Then here's where you do all the crazy fuking. Rock out. When your lover is greased up and you're greased up, there's no reason not to fuk a foot, an armpit, the inner crease of the elbow -- whatever. You're the king; go nuts.



If you taped up right, this is how the bed will look when you're done. The plastic stays down and there are no unhappy grease marks! The towel is definitely crucial. Also, it's smart to leave a little piece of plastic on the floor as a runner to wipe your feet off of when you're done, or else you'll have little Criscoey foot prints all across your nice tile. I have them anway. Fuk it.




A note: being covered in grease magnifies every little speck of dust or grime you'll come across. You can worry about these and spend your time picking them off each other, or you can just ignore them. I vote for ignoring them. Did I mention a good shower is in order beforehand?




Crisco meep is definitely not for the weak of heart. The simple act of making love octuples in difficulty and exertion when neither of you have any sort of friction at all. You'll find yourself sliding all over the sheeting; this is to be expected. Also normal is getting Crisco on pretty much every square inch of your body: ears, hair, finger-webs, foot-soles. Don't worry; it comes off very easily with soap and water.

If you do a Good Job, this is how your lover will look in a few hours when you're done: well-greased and happy.




Actually, if you've done a Good Job, she won't be walking to the fridge. She'll be crumpled in a heap of used puppet-flesh, and you'll wrap her up in the spare plastic sheeting and stash her in a public trashcan far from your house. I didn't do a very Good Job. :(

If you got a lot of sunburns as a kid and are also pretty freckly on your back area for some reason, this is how you'll look when you're done.




All this grease comes off in the shower right quick, so no worries there. The ladies will be pleased to hear that it seems to soften your skin a bit, so you get to enjoy a bit of crisco meep while lathering yourself in moisturizing nutrients. meep.




So, we're pretty much done here. One last round-up for posterity: