You acted like you didn’t have a clue what the fuck was going on when you answered and heard me screaming obscenities and accusing you of stealing my cell phone. Sure… you had bought your phone… I had just lost mine. Sure you just bought your phone from the fucker who stole mine while at the fucking store! You lying sack of steaming pig dung. Mr. Anonymous Cell Phone Guy your acting skills suck.

I went blind hysterical after I walked in the door, emptied my pockets of credit cards, cabbage and coins and began feeling around in my shorts for my external vagina (cell phone) …“Oh mah gawd.. WHERE’S MAH PHONE!” I dialed my number several times from three different phones (usually works when I can’t find my phones) and each time you answered protesting your innocence in broken English as I screamed like a ravenous cunt in your ear, because you had MY PHONE!

Yes, I had the phone turned off immediately. HA! So there! What really made me very sad was the fact that you now had access to all of those cleavage cam phone pics I had taken while I was bored at work a couple of tit pics taken when I was really bored. You also had all the phone numbers of friends/potential slam pieces leaving me without any means of making drunk booty calls.

And of course you had no idea I had just endured a shit day at work, no make that a shit week. I left work early this afternoon hoping to get a head start on my weekend and put my shit week behind me. But, NO, I was totally locked out in the goddamn rain for three miserable hours… standing in wet jeans, ringing the doors bell, screaming into the cell phone…for THREE FUCKING HOURS before my roommate woke up!

Yes, Mr. Anonymous Cell Phone Guy, I was liquid shit fucking pissed off… you were the sprinkles on my shit cake. YOU HAD MY PHONE!

So there I was several hours later (not nearly as sedated as I would liked to have been) commiserating over the loss of my phone and how it could have been so easily lifted out of the pocket of my HOODIE… when my roommate turned and gave me the eyebrow.

Hoodie?

Mr. Anonymous Cell Phone Guy, you might find this a little bit funny, I found my phone in the front pocket of my hoodie. I guess this means I dialed your number numerous times from several different phones; this also means I should wear my glasses more often.

It was hard not to giggle when I called to have my phone turned back on.

If your mother really was/is a whore I’m sorry for opening up old wounds. If your father used to stick his wart covered penis in your mouth to keep you from sucking your thumb I am sorry I brought all of those old memories up as well.

I hope there are no hard feelings.