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Fuck yeah it's long but it's my first time ever getting in this kind of trouble...

Well after 26 years I finally got caught. Stopped by the local watering hole like I do everyday and drink a few beers and shoot the shit with the bar rats. After the normal 2 beers and tequillia followed by a few games of pool I hit the bricks.

I did the speed limit all the way, used turn signals when needed and was just an all around American. About 100 yards from my pad I hear the dreadded woop woop!. I look back and fuck me an unmarked SUV from Long Beach. FUCK! So I pull over to side street and shut off the bike. Over the PA I hear "Stay on the bike". Ok police ossifer. He walks up and looks at me and asked the age old question. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" So with lightening fast reflexes I replied "Because my front tire is worn?" (On a side note it is a street legal knobby). "No" he says."I pulled you over because when that car cut you off you didn't back off and maintain proper following distance". So, now I'm wondering why the fuck didn't he pull that guy over for an unsafe lane change?

He asked me to remove my goggles and instantly followed with "Step off the bike please and stand over here". GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So here we go.....

I want you to place your feet together, close your eyes and tilt your head back. Than I want you to count to 30 in your head. When you get to 30 drop your head towards me open your eyes and say 30. Ok, "Fade in the Jeopardey song" I do it. He turns to his nut gurgler and ask what he timed on the watch. 29 seconds. Fuck ya!

Now what I want you to do is raise your right foot and count to 30 out loud. PASS! Fuck ya!. Now do the same with the other foot. Goddamnit! PASS! Fuck ya!. Now follow the tip of my pen with your eyes only. PASS! Fuck ya!. Than he turns to the gurgler and says watch his eyes closely and you will see them jump a little up and down. I don't recall my eyes jumping but we do it again. FAIL! Fuck no! So here come the dreaded penis tube and we comence to roadside oral. Twice I had to be ghey for this guy. A big :( came over me no as I know I'm fucked. But he didn't tell me what numbers I blew.

I have driven to down town Long Beach many times and I swear to god it never took that long.

Finally we pull into the garage and all I could think of was "FUCK! I'm gonna be housed with gang members and thugs and shit"

When I shuffle in "Ankle chains as the garage with steel gates at each end is obviously not going to stop me from running away" They sit me down and take all my shit. While they are logging in my stuff my phone rings. I just downloaded the Sanford and Son theme song on it. The cops were mostly black. Here comes another :(

I blow into a bigger plastic penis this time..... .13 .16 or higher is a felony. SCORE! After having my shit taken they took my shoelaces out because I guess getting a misdemeaner is grounds for suicide. Now I got the steel toed work shoes on and you have to shuffle every step so they don't fall off. Meanwhile the escorts are in a fucking race or something. So I follow with a screech screech screech. I get my Glamour shots taken "Yes I smiled" and I get put into the drunk tank. Until now I was sort of not really worried or scared about the situation..... I enter the tank and theres 1 guy in there. It has concrete to the left and right, steel plates for a roof and the back wall is bars. The floor is a type of durable soft rubber and theres a TV! SCORE! With no benches I grabbed my shoes and used them as a pillow. The room didn't feel cold at first and the TV didn't seem so loud until I tried to get some sleep.

The floor didn't feel like rubber any more and shifting positions was a neccisity every 5 minutes or shit would ache. That ment when I did get the floor warm the position shift put me in a cold spot again :( 8 hours later.........

I get pulled out and put in a room with a few other thugs for breakfast. It was a TV dinner but with cold breakfast foods. Powdered milk, cheerios knock off and I think a block of cheese. I gave it away.... I didn't want to eat and have to sit on the cold steel toilette that is basicly in view of every swinging dick in the room and no doody paper. After breakfast we were hustled into tank 3. FUCK! More thugs. I grabbed a blanket, found a spot on the floor and acted like I went to sleep. I figured this would make me look like I have been here before and earn me some street creds.

Tank 3 is 2 parts. Tank 3 A and B. In the course of the next 3 hours we were shuffled from A to B than back to A than to B than split in half and I ended up in A. I managed to get a table this time to sit at. So I sat there calm and collective listening to the stories of why there were there and blah blah blah. In one corner was the jail house lawyer. Motherfucker had a good reason for any action the police took. And he had me believing this shit after awhile.

Finally they call out the names for court hearings. Mine was called. YAY! They handcuffed us into groups of 4. The first guy on our chain was phillipino, horrible grasp of the english language. His handcuff buddy was maybe a short hawiian who was so fucked up he could barely wake up none the less walk. So we go to the lower floors while the phillipino took wrong turns, stopped when he was supposed to go and walked when he was supposed to stop. The gangster I was cuff buddies with was laughing our ass off as the fucked up hawiian was tripping out trying to just stay in line, falling over against the walls, loosing his shoes and me and my buddy kicking them up ahead so he can step into them again.

So finally we get into another holding cell and wait with about 50 other fucked up individuals, asking "What they get you for?" Always the usual "Man I was minding my own business...." from everyone in there. Me too! Alright, we get rechained "the 4 of us again" and get escorted into the jurors seats. Fuck me there is a court room full of people staring at us :( Oh well, the butch baliff ordered us to sit there and no talking! okies :( Now, we are all quiet waiting, next to me the hawiian dudes head is bobbing and rolling and he's snoring like a fat guy in the summer heat. Our escort warned him they will take him back and make him wait untill tomorrow. So when I see him nod off I nudge him, after the 3rd nudge he opens his eyes for a few seconds than off to never never land. After 2 hours of this I figure fuck this guy.

The judge calls his name, reads his reason for the warrant. This guys starts to freak out and hopping around in his seat saying "Thats bull shit maaaaaan" I went to the meeting last week I swear". Un huh. No one believes him. So my name gets called, "HERE your honor". "Have you been talked to by the lawyer yet about your case?" "No your honor" "Next case" FUUUUUUCK! Than lunch comes around and they shuffle us back to the cages to sit in a piss fouled, sticky floor holding cell that was about 90 degrees with no air circulation and about 60 dudes. The only open seat available on the bench has an old mexican guy who smells like he pissed himself for a year straight laying on the floor. I sat there. For 2 1/2 hours we sat there joking and bullshitting in the heat. No clocks made it unbearable as we are all waiting to go back into court and get the fuck outta there.

Back into the court room we sit for 3 more hours PRAYING that the lawyer will talk to us before we get called again. He does. A programed fucking robot this guy was. "Mr. Fayard..... you are here for DUI. This is your first offense and you blew a .13 so it's a misdemeanor. My response is 0.o Heres what we will do. 3 years probation.... meaning no piss test or parole visits. All that means is you cannot be caught with alcohol in your system AT ALL here comes the :( AND 90 days of meetings over the next year, MADD, MORG and I forgot the 3rd. And you can either pay the fine or sit in jail for 40 days. Fine = 1700. I have a year to pay it and do the classes. Fuck it I'm paying. After another hour he calls me, spits out some legal mumbo jumbo. How do you plead? No contest! Ok, blah blah blah again. All I want to here is "Your free to go" but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. More of the "You could have killed someone or yourself. You should feel bad that you put lives at risk" Wait a minute motherfucker! I got cut off( in my head)

24 hours later I'm here trying to calculate the cost for getting the bike out of impound in 30 days..... 2500 bones :( And when i got out I stopped by the hole for a drink again. But I used taxis for once.