Because nocal asked so politely, I'll say a few words about my short stint in the mormon church:

I never really grew up with religion being forced upon me. My household had whispers of Episcopalianism, and I would attend a couple services every time I was in jolly old Anglund, but I was never baptized or forced to do anything. I had my own concept of god, had a respect for the crucifix, and even prayed a few times (always mimicking a phone call: "hey god, is jesus there? cool, put him on").

When I turned seven or eight, my neighbors, who were literally older than dirt, invited me to come along with them to church one time. I'm not entirely sure why, possibly to not be a dick, I said yes. My family seemed ok with it, and in a few days I was all dressed up with somewhere to go: the local mormon worship shack.

I don't remember my very first visit. The first year or so is one big blur. But I remember thinking the place was ok. Even though parts of it were the most boring thing since time-out, the people were nice. Like... way fucking nice. I also got to eat jesus bread, which I'm sure I thought was cool at the time.

The services were always really long, but broken up into several parts. There was the main sacrament. This was always the worst part for me. We would sit and they would say things about jesus and I would glaze over like a dapper Spicoli. Then singing, followed by more talking, followed by jesus breads, followed by more singing, then talking, and the whole thing was peppered with prayer. It was like a really slow simon says and everyone was the winner. This routine changes on the first service on the month, however. The first sunday of the month is where you fast. On fast sunday the entire sacrament is dedicated to people coming up to the podium and 'bearing their testimony' and crying about being mormon. I never did this, and never wanted to (I'll get into more personal stuff after I give the routine rundown).

The other part (for kids in my age group) was a mini-sacrament-type shindig in another room. All the kids from around 6-12 sat and sang songs and learned life lessons about the dangers of R rated movies, caffeine, and how to do that johnny-johnny-jump bullshit on your fingers for 30 mins. I assume they quiz you on this when you get to mormon heaven.

The last part I can recall is where they put you in even smaller rooms with kids in your age group. This was the part where you whipped out your bible bags, unzipped them, and pulled out the holy word of god: The Book of Mormon. Then you'd take turns reading passages that made less sense at the time than, say, the bible. You would also take this time to bust out your highlighters and mark important stuff. If you forget whom begat whom, you're as good as fucked.

Now, those last two parts change as you get older. To sum it up: the menfolk sit around and discuss the matters at hand. They talk about what needs to be voted on in upcoming elections, what needs to be done inside the church, and a ton of other bullshit I never really let sink in. The womens go off and learn new recipes and how to make finger puppets or some shit. I don't know for sure, but it was old-fashioned and sexist.

So, getting back to me... The novelty of nice people sort of wore off and I saw the church for what it truely was: BORING. But I was young and was easily pressured into going. This got worse when my mom decided to start tagging along and we had missionaries coming to the house every week to deliver the word of mormonjesus in their frat-bro tones, dude. When I turned ten I was baptized. It was a weird event and I saw a penis. Also, my mom was baptized on the same day. It wasn't her penis.

Some more time went by and I graduated from the kid stuff to the older kid stuff; the priesthood. This sounds all cool and official, but it's not what it sounds like. It's mormon junior high, and all it means is that you're the jesus bread bitch. You get to carry grandma's sterling silver trays of bread and water from pew to pew in cleverly choreographed moves, allowing for maximum breadflesh consumption, upping everyone's mana.

Around this time (13 years old) I learned I could tell the man to fuck self. I didn't have a use for this in school, or really much at home, but felt the urge at church. One day, while sitting in the man room discussing man things about some upcoming election, I looked around and realized that not only is this boring, but everyone is batshit insane and I'm not coming back. I figured that would be the end of it, and for a few weeks, it was. But then the phone calls started, then the random house visits, then more house visits. They were all very nice about it every time, except for one where the dude was a prick. Fuck that guy. Guy, if you're reading, fuck you.

I can't even honestly recall how long this went on for, but it was at least a year. I never really escaped it entirely until I moved out of my mom's house. She still had people over to preach to us in our living room once a week, and even though I actually liked these people, it was annoying listening to something I didn't subscribe to on the couch I took weed naps on.

ok, fuck. I've just been typing and not really going anywhere special. If you have questions I'll answer them the best I can. I'm no expert, but I think I remember enough.




I didn't wear magic underwear.