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Site members can create their own journals and post comments. | Surgery 10-05-2007 at 09:36 pm
Ok, I smoked cigerettes for 16 fucking years, incluiding pot, acid, crack and coke, and speed"crank" and whatever else i could ingest at the time. ButI ignoed a problem that has got to the point that I can't ignore anymore. I have a growth in the back of my throat next to the Uvula. I ignored it for abot a year butit got to the point that I gag alot now. Not the gag that you get when someone else throws up. But out o f the blue GaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaG. So the doctor looked at it and said it's either a growth form genitl warts "Holy shit" or from smoking " cancer" but he's not sure. I went to theEars Nose and Throat fucker who said it doesn't look like any STD he's ever seen.
At this point my heart is so fuckng deep in the ground I don't know what to think. No pre biopsy is considered because the risk of infection because of the mouth in a human being a cess pool of germs. So I go in on Oct 31 to have My " buddy" removed and than sent out for test.
Straight the fuck up I'm scared. I hide it from the people around me. I pulled extra insurance for my daughter in fear that I have cancer and won't make it to much further in the race of life. I looked back on my life and realized that outside of a beutiful daughter I have nothing to show for my being here.
right now I'm just trying to coexist and get through this and see what the results are.
There are few times in my life where I have been mortily scared:
First time being pulled over by the cops for DUI " 16 years old" and my old man greeting me at the front door.
First time crashing a car and the old man greeting me at the front door.
First time throwing a party and the old man finding out about it.
Findind out that my meat slab is preggo with my child.
Being shipped off to boot camp.
Being deployed to the persian gulf and told that chemical weapons aren't a joke.
But this tops the cake with about 1000 candles to blow out in one breath and no presents to open afterwords.
I never thought that I would fall to this level. I remember being young and falling from trees, falling off the roof of the house and even got hit buy a car. Crashing my schwinn bike at terminal velocity onto a ramp of plywood and cynderblocks. The bannana seat raking my back as I skidded for god knows how long on the street. Getting up and laughing as I brushed myself off.
I remember on a test flight for my company on a gulfstream 2 on our approach to the runway looking out the window thinking " Man as low as we are this must look really cool" as the bushes are clearly visable. Than total chaos as we crashed landed and I totaly didn't think that was the end of my less than honorble life.
Now I am forced to wait and wonder... is this it? chemo is my exit ticket in life? No fucking way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I had plans. I had plans to see my daughter graduate school, race the Baja 1000, visit Antartica.
Those are a few immediate things I could think of at the moment.
I am researching shit on the net "total coolness" about alternatives incase this little detour in life is cancerous.
This is my first time with this shit and I am really really scared for the first time in my life about life it self and the shit I have to now hurtle in it. I AM NOT A FUCKING TRACK STAR GODDAMNIT. GIVE ME SOME EASY SHIT TO HANDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want a hug from you niggers
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Posted Comments Registered site members may leave comments.
wotak 10-06-2007, 05:13 am
You're scared because this is a situation you have no control over. That's fucking normal, man. I put my head through a windshield in 92 and I can identify with being fucking scared to death about having zero control over your personal well being. It's a world rocker, for sure. It really comes down to allowing yourself to trust those who have been trained to fix you. You have no other choice. You need them to do what they do best.
Also, see other doctors. Ask questions, lots of them. Once you've found a doctor you trust, be prepared to trust him with your life. Prepare yourself for that. It's a leap of faith, bro, so don't select a doctor on a whim. Interview those humans as if you were looking to hire the best one in the world to save your life and money isn't an object.
Good luck - keep your meatfriends at the swarm updated on this shit.
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lefen 10-06-2007, 06:43 am
Post pics of whatever they cut out of you.
Also, fuck you, I'm sending you a big gay hug so take care of yourself.
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vasudeva 10-06-2007, 09:31 am
Holy shit.
I've had a slice of just where you are now. Good luck.
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Acidburn 10-07-2007, 12:18 pm
If I can keep it I will post picts for sure. Trying to keep a positive outlook is about the hardest thing I've done in life so far. We will see how it goes. I have started and herbal self medication type shit "Not pot you fuckheads" but teas and what looks like 7 trees compressed into little pills. I have increased my broccoli intake as well. We'l see what my little buddy brings about. I should give it a name...............
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IMBOLCPunxsutawneyPhil 10-07-2007, 09:54 pm
Generic advice: The only thing you can control in any situation is how you think and feel about it.
Fear is easy and new. Depression is giving up and dumb. Anger is pointless without direction.
Try Happiness.
Happiness that you have been kicked out of your previous state of consciousness and have been given (at a cost) an entire new life to live. It may be madness or wisdom, but every experience comes with benefits.
p.s. wouldn't you rather die happy?
[yeah, I know...]
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jwalker 10-07-2007, 11:52 pm
Seems like if it was big enough to make you gag, and you've had it for a year, that it is either benign or not cancer. After you find out, get a second opinion.
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Stump 10-08-2007, 05:29 pm
Shit - so that's where I left my right ball. I want it back.
What everyone else said and will say.
Big gay hugs.
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Acidburn 10-31-2007, 06:25 pm
So it's done. The bloodwork done last week showed no herpsaidsvd or any of the cool shit mom warned me about. I got Vicodin for the pain but all that shit does is put me to sleep. Now I know what a girls throat feels like after getting jackhammered all night. The Dr showed me "Earl" in the recovery room. I asked to keep it but he said in an asian acent "No no we send out for test". Goodby little buddy. Not gonna miss you. Although I feel better I have 1 more week to get Earl checked out for the final grade. I found it errotic to be naked except for the gown in a room full of strangers. Thanks for your support. You fuckers are going on the Xmas list for sure.
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johnlenin 10-31-2007, 06:33 pm
well, can we hug you yet?
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vasudeva 10-31-2007, 06:41 pm
Now I know what a girls throat feels like after getting jackhammered all night.
I bet it doesn't change your grade-school-raping ways, though.
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wotak 10-31-2007, 08:13 pm
Excellent news Bro. I hope that shit heals up quick and the final tests are all cool.
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casmhar 11-02-2007, 11:20 pm
I hope they got that shit out, you'll be sucking it in no time. :HUGS:
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Acidburn 11-10-2007, 02:14 pm
Ok so the biopsy is back. Straight the fuk up clear baby! so noes radiation slurpees for me, yaY! Thanks for the uplifting feed back. Now you faggit can hug me if you desire. But keep the hands above my moobs. Don't want to get any gay on me.
It actually put my life ina whole new spectrum. I was 258 before the surgery and I have been tired of beeing over weight so I ate until I didn't feel hungry but not until I was full. Now I weigh 241. 17lbs in just over a week. I know it isn't healthy and I have chosen differant foods to eat. But oatmeal is so damn good. Especially the instant packages Mmmmmm mutha fukin mmmmmmmmmm. So, yeah gotto go shit now.
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jwalker 11-11-2007, 05:42 pm
congratulations. i hope i never have to go through that.
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