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I was going to post this a couple of weeks ago but then wolfer posted his very similar journal and I didn't want to take attention away from him.

25 years ago, my birth mother gave up custody of me for reasons I just recently learned the truth about. i went to live with my dad and my step-mom, who adopted me. My birth certificate was edited to reflect that my step-mom was now my mother, and my birth mother was barred from having any contact with me whatsoever.

For a long time, I carried a grudge against my birth mother because I felt that she had abandoned me. I harbored a feeling of near-hate for the woman and it made me a bitter person.

Finally, a couple of years ago, I got tired of being angry about the situation and decided to try and find my birth mother. I had no idea what kind of reception I would get but i had to try. I knew very little about her or her family, but my dad had mentioned that they still lived in Oklahoma and that my grandmother had a flag car business (Flag cars are those cars that drive with oversized tractor-trailer loads.)

So I started looking and spent along time chasing down dead end leads. Then last summer I found a phone number for my grandmother. When I called however, the line was disconnected. I decided to just shelve the idea, and started coming to grips with the idea that maybe I wasn't supposed to find my mom.

Then late this last January, I stumbled across an updated listing for authorized flag car drivers on the Kansas dept of Transportation website. There was phone number listed, and I wrote it down, but I didn't call immediately. I ended up waiting about two weeks before I finally got up the nerve to call.

I called late Monday afternoon from work and reached my grandmother. It took her a few minutes to figure out who I was, but when she did, she jsut about had a nervous breakdown. I was the absolute last person she had expected to talk to. I gave her all of my contact information and asked her for my mom's number. That night, I called and spoke to my mother for the first time in 25 years. She explained to me that she had given up custody because she couldn't afford to take care of me, and that my dad had promised that she could continue seeing me. Once the adoption had finalized however, my step-mom had cut off all contact and had gotten a restraining order against my mom. This was all new information to me, but somehow I seem to know that it's closer to the truth than the picture that was painted for me.

We have spent the last few months talking to each other on the phone at least once a week, and this afternoon (Friday May 12) she is flying in to visit. I will be meeting my mother face to face today. I don't feel nervous about it (right now) but that may change as the hour approaches.

I'll let you know how it goes.