A small band of creatures were known to live high in an artificial structure. On my way to study them I took notice of the native vegetation (rented plant). The younger males were at play (playing tetris). They became self-conscious when watched (minimize screen!). The dominant male had a gray back. He controlled the others by waving little envelopes (paycheck). There were females in the group (secretary being oggled). The less dominant males had no chance of mating. Unlike other species, they had no instinct for grooming. My time was up, but I will miss them, those.... engineers in the mist. ("how long are you supposed to microwave popcorn?")

Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, is one clever bitch. He sarcastically delivers observations on stereotypes in the workplace and in everyday activities which makes for some good dry humor. Anyone who has read Dilbert knows this of course, but I for one had never seen any of Adams' other material. His chapter on engineers is a dead-on slam-dunk in my opinion, and I feel confident saying that because I have years of experience working with them and dating one. Here are some of the best features of the chapter. A cornucopia of "it's funny because it's true".

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass off as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth:
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST:
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You.... a) Straighten it B) Ignore it C) Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anyone who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing".
Social Skills
It's totally unfair to suggest - as many have - that engineers are socially inept. Engineers simply have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
-A feeling of connectedness with other humans
These goals are irrational and stupid. Engineers realize that making personal contacts is not valueable in their occupation. For them it's not "who you know" that matters, it's "who knows less than you do" that counts. To an engineer, most "normal" people are intellectually indistinguishable from Mexican jumping beans with faces. Feeling "connected" with carbon-based dolts holds all the joy of being handcuffed to a dead zebra - it sounds special, but it can get old fast.
In contrast, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
-Get it over with as soon as possible.
-Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
-Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
The social skill of an engineer must be evaluated on the basis of these rational objectives, not on the basis of bizarre and nonsensical societal standards. Viewed in this light, I think you'll agree that engineers are very effective in their social interactions. It's the "normal" people who are nuts.
Fascination With Gadgets
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a TV remote control without wondering how to turn it into a stun gun. *insert comic strip of Dilbert being irresistably magnetically sucked into a hardware store with a force that pulls him right out of his clothes. I obviously can't illustrate it for you, I really only mention it for my own amusement; my engineer boyfriend is not against breaking something just so he has another reason to go to Home Depot. It's actually a bit baffling.*
I'm skipping the part about dating because I am dating an engineer and their purported ineptitude in charming the opposite sex says something about me. I'm not sure what it is, but I'd rather not look into it. I'll just quote this one line: "Engineers don't like making small talk because no useful information is exchanged." On our first date we didn't talk too much, we constructed funny looking objects using our food, napkins, and utensils. I'm starting to feel like I myself possess all the social factors of an engineer minus the technological intelligence and capability. I do know what that says about me, and I still don't want to look into it.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistable erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties (due to being sudden marriage material as desperate women realize that looks aren't as important anymore as intelligence, dependability, employment, and being handy around the house are.) Female engineers become irresistable at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Sometimes engineers say things that sound like lies but techinically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
- "I won't change anything without asking you first" *ding ding ding for me - i left the boyfriend alone in my apartment and when I came back, he had totally restructured my computer. I asked where all the desktop icons were and why he moved them. He said it looked cluttered. I said I had them there for a reason. He said well, he didn't like it. Alrighty then.*
-I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
-I have to have new equipment to do my job."
-I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Frugality
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
Advice
Engineers are always delighted to share wisdom, even in areas which they have no experience whatsoever. Their logic provides them with inherent insight into any field of expertise. This can be a problem when dealing with the illogical people who believe that knowledge can only be derived through experience.
Explaining Engineering
Here, let's picture Dilbert going to a classroom to tell kids about what it means to be an engineer:
Dilbert: "There's more to being an engineer that just writing technical memos that nobody reads. Once in a while, somebody reads one. Then you have to find a scapegoat, or use some vacation time and hope it all blows over."
Dilbert: Engineering is one of the best careers available. For the next twenty years, I'll sit in a big box called a cubicle. It's like a restroom stall but with lower walls. I spend most of my time hoping the electromagnetic fields from my office aren't killing me" (children start crying)."
Powers of Concentration
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
There are numerous reports of engineers who were halfway through the embalming process before they sat up and shouted something like "I've got it - all it needs is a backup relay circuit!!!" Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anyone with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped in the lounge for a few days to see if he snaps out of it.
Dogbert: "He's in a video game trance. I'm testing a theory that he is unaware of his environment and has no discernable mental activity." (stacks dishes on Dilbert's head)
Risk
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples:
- Hindenburg
-Space Shuttle Challenger
-Space Shuttle Columbia
-Hubble
-Apollo 13
-Titanic
-Ford Pinto
-Corvair
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
-How smart they are
-How many cool devices they own
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. And when they succeed in solving the problem, they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and I'm talking about the kind of sex where other people are invovled. Not only is it better at the moment, but it lasts for as long as people will listen to the engineer's tale of conquest.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer that the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along the lines of "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
And in conclusion:
Engineer, to his boss: "This is just great... We engineers have old IBM 286 PCs and you have a Sparc workstation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing you know how to do is stare at a screen saver."
Boss, thinking:"How does that ball keep bouncing?"
Engineer:"If anybody needs me I'll be scrolling some text."

Truly fascinating creatures indeed.