CURFEW IN EFFECT FOR THE VERO BEACH AREA:

Anyone who meets any of the following criteria must stay locked in their home between the hours of 12 and 2 p.m.:

- You go to a fast food establishment undecided about what you want to order. Do your staring at the menu BEFORE you get to the front of the line. This is particularly important for those who are retired or unemployed. If you do this and there is someone behind you looking pissed, it's me. I have a job to get back to by a certain time. You don't.
- You plan to pay for this food with a lot of change.
- You plan to pay for this food with a coupon that either expired or isn't applicable to what you ordered.
- You are only at this particular establishment because of the afore-mentioned coupon and you don't know anything about the menu and plan to ask the employees every detailed question you can think of about several of the items, apparently oblivious to the frustrated people behind you. Trust me, this annoys the employee almost as much as it annoys me.
- You drive extremely slow. I have a schedule to keep here, grandpa.
- You drive extremely fast. Get off my ass, I'm already stressing a little here.
- You can't communicate properly due to abnormal hearing. That's unfortunate for you and everything, but come on lady, every time you ask someone to repeat something, it's that much more I have to speed back to the office.
- You can't communicate properly due to abnormal vision. I will gladly read aloud to you whatever you need to know if you'll just MOVE IT ALONG.
- You are friends with someone who works behind the counter and you feel that you can ignore the other people behind you waiting in line because you know one of the employees, and you are special.
- You are that employee behind the counter and feel that you can ignore the customers in line because you don't have to do your job when you can talk to your friends instead. I'll be waiting for you when you go on YOUR lunch break, making sure to stay in front of you on the road and drive as slow as legally possible and dash in front of you in line at the deli and take my time reading the menu and asking questions.
- You are pulling out of a parking space while someone is waiting for the space. But you don't really back out, you just put your car in reverse so the person sees the lights and starts waiting, but you just kinda linger there for a minute with your reverse lights on, balancing your checkbook or looking at the pictures you just picked up or whatever the fuck it is. Or are you staring at the person waiting for the space in fear that they're going to suddenly have a seizure and BOLT FORWARD TURBO SPEED and ram into you? Must be the case because when you do finally show signs of life, you slowwwwwwly creeeeep out like you aren't really sure if you want to leave or quickly pull back in and cower under the dash and start sucking your thumb in pathetic haste. JUST GO, I NEED TO PARK AND GET SHIT DONE AHHHHHHH!!!!

I think I might need a vacation.