Like I've said a few times HellKat and I live pretty much out in the boonies. We have a
garden. We have deer in the back yard that eat the garden. We have the two bird
feeders required by New Jersey state law. And we have squirrels.

Every morning and evening a platoon of the fuzzy assed little bastards descends upon
our bird feeders to gorge themselves on expensive sunflower seeds. The do this even
though the whole Goddamned lawn is ankle deep in acorns, hickory nuts and black
walnuts. The evil little fuckers sometimes skarf down 25 pounds of bird food in a week.

And they don't even share any with the birds.

Some days I have yelled at the little gray bastards until my throat was raw. And the
next morning they were back for more. The final straw came when they discovered that they could chew through the wire that supported the feeder and send it crashing to the ground. The pieces of smashed bird feeder and bird seed would litter the ground like the remains of an expensive pinata at Big Birds birthday party. The entire fucking bushy tailed horde would descend on the scattered remains of feeder and seeds giving eachother high fives with their adorable itty bitty paws.

The little bastards!

So one day not too long ago I was on the back porch examining the wreckage of the
third smashed bird feeder. I was trying to figure out a way to make one good feeder out of three smashed ones. I heard a buzz zapp buzz pop noise behind me and turned
around to see a Japaneese Beetle (one of my other arch enemies) self destructing on
my bug light. I always enjoy the way beetles explode in little sparkley bits.

I eventually gave up on salvaging the old feeders and got our last one from the garage. It was one of those special squirrel proof feeders surrounded by a wire cage. I filled it with seed and hung it up with a chain that the fuckers couldn't chew through.

The next morning it took the squirrels all of 5 seconds to figure out how to get the bird seed out of the squirrel proof feeder. I watched in disgust as one by one the little
bastards gorged themselves. At that point I gave up. I had been beaten by rodents
with brains smaller than lima beans. Then I noticed the buglight hanging about 4 feet
away from the feeder. I remembered the beetle. Buzz zapp buzz pop. I looked at the
bird feeder with a wire cage on it. I looked back at the buglight. An evil plan began to
take shape.

That afternoon I took the bug light apart and hooked a wire to each side of the grid. I
attached one lead to the wire cage on the bird feeder. I hooked the other one up to a
piece of screen on the beam that we hang our baskets of petunias and stuff from.
I knew the birds would be Ok because the would only touch the feeder. Any critter
standing on the porch rail and touching the feeder though would get a nasty zap and
run away.

The next morning everything went as planned. Three squirrels in rapid succession ran away nursing sore feet. Then one of them jumped straight from the rail and hung on the feeder without touching anything else and began to eat my goddamned sunflower seeds. This was too fucking much so I went over and banged on the window. At this point the squirrels tiny brain kicked in. He knew that to go down meant getting zapped in the feet. Instead he decided to climb up the feeder and get on top of the beam. He chose poorly.

Instead of grabbing the beam he grabbed the screen hooked to the other wire. He
yelled "Skreeek. Skreeeeek!" and started to bounce around like he had a vibrator up
his ass. I had a good laugh at his expense and went to refill my coffee cup. I figured
he'd eventually let go and run away.

When I came back about 5 minutes later I was surprised to see him still hanging there.
He wasn't bouncing as much but he had smoke or steam or something comming out of his nose and asshole. I unplugged the buglight and he instantly released his grip only to fall on te ground among the empty shells of the sunflower seeds he had coveted so much.

I went down to see if the little fucker was dead. He was. So I left him there to serve as
an object lesson to other furry thieves. After a couple day I tossed him in the dumpster.

We haven't had a single squirrel come within 100 feet of our bird feeder since.

After that success I've been wondering if I could scale The buglight up and use it to
catch mimes. I hate those white faced morons.