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Site members can create their own journals and post comments. | Another Brief Visit With The Reaper Man 04-15-2005 at 09:26 pm
On Friday evening about three weeks back the events of the previous ten days or so caught up with me and combined with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I deal with every day and the Seasonal Affective Disorder that I get every winter.
I wasn't thinking very well and made a whole bunch of dumb ass choices. The dumbest involved a dryer vent hose, a roll of duct tape and my car.
So I'm sitting in my car thinking that I really should have gotten a tune up because the exhaust smells really rank. I'm starting to get a little sleepy and look over and see my old friend the Reaper Man in the passenger seat. He looks at me and shakes his head. "Not yet" he says.
This pissed me off. "As many times as you.ve come for me and left alone you should just take me and shut up."
He shakes his boney head which produces a creepy rattling sound. "Sorry. It's not going to happen. Neither of us has any choice in the matter."
"Fuck You! I'm comming this time."
"Forget it. It's not going to happen." He shakes his boney head again. "I'd take you if I could but you're going to have another close call and I'm leaving alone again."
"Fuck that!" I told him. "This time I'm comming wether you want me or not."
He just shook his head again and I was too tired to argue any more so I went to sleep.
I found myself in a fairly pleasant place. There really is a light. I started to head for it but before I got there I felt like something dragged me backwards by the collar. Shit! I was back in my car. The light in my eyes was a lot harsher than the one I had just seen. Someone was shaking me and saying "C'mon Buddy, wake up." There was an oxygen mask on my face.
I looked over at the passenger seat. The reaper man looked back and shrugged his boney shoulders. "I told you so." He said.
The cop was shaking me again. He didn't seem to take any notice of the Reaper Man. Other people never do. I looked over and the Reaper Man gave me a strange sort of half smile. I wouldnt have guessed he could do that without meat on his face. "See you soon." He said. He waved and then he was gone and the cop was shaking me again.
A minute later an ambulance and a whole bunch of people arrived. They got me out of my car and strapped me to a gurney. They loaded me and the gurney into the ambulance, hooked me up to a whole bunch of monitors, took enough blood samples to make me anaemic and hooked me up to an IV bag filled with mystery liquid. I fell asleep on the way to the hospital without realizing that I had just launched myself through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole and into the twilight zone.
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Posted Comments Registered site members may leave comments.
ghostrider 04-15-2005, 09:32 pm
you gotta stop that shit d00d. of course, this being Linkswarm, i can't be 100% sure(or i'm not supposed to be) but i think yer speaking real enough, so fuck it, stand up and accept the fucking pain, because it never leaves. It ain't just you and your thoughts in this world, i think i remember a Hellkat.
be well
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SexNinja 04-15-2005, 09:36 pm
Well.
I've thought about it too many times to count, but never had the courage to go that far with it.
Ok.
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Mofo 04-15-2005, 11:03 pm
I don't think I could suffer the defeat of my pride to take the easy way out of life. I'm in this hell hole to the end, and only the good die young, so it's going to be a long trip.
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vasudeva 04-15-2005, 11:48 pm
Glad you're back -- you stupid moron.
You get your happy package in the mail? Or have I been wronged yet again by shipping nigers? I'm going to be sorely pissed if the BATTEL HAT just got blackholed in some dead-package office in Indiana.
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LORDKAHUNA 04-16-2005, 12:47 am
Dude you have a place on this mortal coil, without you all the Canadians would get "uppity".
Seriously, don't do that shit, you'll leave a huge azron shaped hole in this shit.
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dagwood 04-16-2005, 01:17 am
Man, not being thusly inclined, I can't speak from personal experience, but what I'm quite sure of is that there is a reason for you to be here. If you tried to buck the odds(more than once) and it didn't work, that's telling you something, like that moving story said.
I do know about misery and hopelessness, and can emphatically tell you that the best way to get out of yourself is to get into someone else. Literally if you want, though that can be fleeting. Not to meddle in another's life, but to use the God (yes God) -given talents and abilities you have to help someone else. I guarantee that you can soon forget all about your own bullshit when you're feeling useful in dealing with someone else's. Don't get codependent, just step away from the screen and do something different, ya selfish bastard.
We don't always know what the right thing to do is, or do it when we do, but we keep on tryin'. I talked to my little brother on his 37th birthday tonight, had to get the # from my Mom. I coulda blown it off and felt bad, given him a late e-card or something, but no . Felt really good having a long conversation w/ someone who cares about me in spite of, or just because. And if you ain't got anybody like that, then do holler, you showed up here again, huh. So try a little bit, will ya. Thanks for this oppotunity to ramble a bit and leave my own petty shit alone awhile.
I know the four horsemen.
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tantrum 04-16-2005, 01:22 am
I dunno...
I just spent an hour or so Googling suicide quotes trying to find something profound or inspiring to write here.
But I'm sure it's nothing that hasn't already been said in your mind, by loved ones, or by people trying to help you.
I just know that your presence here has helped me smile and learn. Thanks for that.
Get well.
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shitbox 04-16-2005, 01:42 am
Dont leave yet...TooL is cutting a new album...and that means a tour. And that means therapy. horray for us all!
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qwerty 04-16-2005, 01:47 am
I was listening to the radio during easter (they were talking alot about death) when a caller mentioned that her son had commited suicide by taking it out of his own hands.
He got completely drunk. Jumped in his car, and tried to drive it as fast as possible down an old dirt road in the middle of the night. the note mentioned that if he died then that was it he was dead but if he lived then it ment that he was supposed to live.
At the end of the day if you are depressed about life then no matter what anyone says you will proberly try to hurt yourself. But after you live through one of those experiances you should give up and just try living life instead. As a philosical quotient to give you motivation living through suicide is a great boost in your spirits, but keep on trying and you are just playing russian roulette, do it enough times and you just make yourself misreble.
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BeachGoat 04-16-2005, 08:31 am
I live with constant crippling (physical) pain that will never get better. I get sufficient presciption narcotics to off myself every month. I have been known to keep a suicide kit (enough to OD with a new syringe, etc) on hand. I go through suicidal bouts a couple times a year. My wife can barely stand it each time it happens.
Do you have any idea how badly this fucks up the people who love you?
STOP IT!
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hobo 04-16-2005, 11:30 am
Hegh'bat
Literally translated as "The time to die", this is a Klingon ritualized suicide. When a Warrior can no longer stand and face his enemies, he brings himself an honorable death thru this ceremony. The eldest son of the individual, or a close friend would bring a ceremonial knife to the warrior who would plunge it into his or her chest. The son or friend would then remove the knife and wipe it on their sleeve.
See that would be a cool way to go. If you did that I would respect you. If you suck a tailpipe of blow your brains out, or OD, that aint cool.
Grab your bootstraps azron and march on. In an odd way I think we like you here at Linkswarm.
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RoozleRose 04-16-2005, 12:49 pm
Oh Az, your non-existence would cause a serious disturbance in the Force! You would not have been granted life if you weren't meant to live it. The Reaper knows what he's talkin' about, OK? Ain't your time yet; we need your insight, input, & wisdom. I send you many big fat hugs!!!!
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Tango 04-16-2005, 04:34 pm
My brother's suicide note:
"Update; Life sucks, can't sleep, don't wanna wake up if i do.Too much, too little,never enough,doesn't matter cause i can't decide,up down,in out,just thru, not good not bad,positive,negative,neutral,bipolar black hole,scarred,scortched,scared,screwed,live life with death's sweet breath always near,but never here. Times short,not fast enough to run out,just lingers like smoke in a room with no breeze...."
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HellKat 04-16-2005, 11:06 pm
I can see the line betwen genious and insanity from where I stand. I have worn azron's shoes (feeling and acting suicidal). Thank you to the people who have taken the time to speeak of theif appricaiation of azron's presense in the swarm. Anyone who DARES call a seriousily suisidal person selfish is a dumbass. It takes quite a trauma to try to take your own life, and believe me azron did not expect to be found alive. Talk about dumb luck (thank God or whatever you belive in). It is my opinion that people who try to "guilt trip" a suicidal person by stating how their actions would affect others is much more selfisn than taking one's own life.
'nuff said from the Kat.
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BeachGoat 04-17-2005, 02:58 pm
'Scuse me. Didn't know input from survivours and those who have failed multiple attempts was so unwelcome. Its not like life (& death) experience would help. You da Boss, masser.
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freakmachine 04-18-2005, 01:36 pm
Dude, I'm glad you are still here, I for one would miss you. Anyhow, you don't really want to carry around the heavy karma associated with self-inflicted early termination.
The reaper knows man, he isn't ready for you yet. Rock on.
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IMBOLCPunxsutawneyPhil 04-18-2005, 10:19 pm
If I knew you better I would give this advice:
Psychonautics--the mind bending life altering substances in DMT, Ketamine, DXM, LSD, Mecaline, and Psyllicybin--take them with a knowledgable person, take them in safety and understand that no matter what you are never in control unless you want to be.
Ego death and perspective reduction can be used to properly look at the situation free of bias--or if unlucky, percipitate the anxieties and psycho-drama about nothing at all in particular. Kinda the badtrip/goodtrip coin. Careful if you flip it because it might not land the way you expect.
So the way to do it is to have someone you trust around to help you load the dice and take it easy.
And do you give up on anyone as easily as you give up on yourself? Probably, we all do; check it out, you will likely help someone and harder than you would for yourself. That's called self-estimation, and guess what? If you raise the bar on you, it raises the bar for your helping out everyone else.
Raise the atmosphere.
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| My God, It's Full of Azron |
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