Fat Karen

I found this little snippet on a website dedicated to people who hate Cingular wireless.

> A NEW YEAR'S 2004 TRIBUTE TO KAREN BENNETT
> A Biographical Sketch of Her Early Life
> by LULUFROMLEWISVILLE
>
> Karen Bennett's neighbors were horrified when she was
> found beating a sick small animal to death with a rock
> when she was only 5 years old. But it should not have
> been a shock to them. The pudgy, rubber-faced little
> creature had been born some years previous to a
> gap-toothed slattern known on the street as "Onion &
> Garlic Sally." Onion & Garlic Sally had been on the
> streets for years and had probably not had a bath in
> the same length of time. Her hair was such a tangled
> mess that once when she was sleeping near a clump of
> bushes, she found that a bird had laid an egg in the
> tangles, mistaking it for a nest. Of Onion & Sally's
> background nothing is known but it goes without saying
> that there could be nothing good in it. She came from
> nowhere and was going nowhere and nobody cared.
>
> No one was sure just who (or what) might have been the
> father of Fat Karen and they were incredulous that
> this reprehensibly filthy denizen of squalid streets
> had found anyone (or anything) willing to impregnate
> her. Truth be known, the grimy Onion & Garlic Sally
> had been following a pinhead dwarf around those sleazy
> alleyways and had taken quite a fancy to him though he
> seemed to show no interest whatsoever in her. Although
> he was a pinhead dwarf, he suffered from Elephantitis
> in his legs and one always knew his whereabouts--each
> step registered 4 on the Richter Scale.
>
> Onion & Garlic Sally had observed the pinhead dwarf
> masturbating into a trashcan one gloomy winter's morn
> and, using a discarded eyedropper she found lying in a
> small puddle of curdled milk, she had inseminated
> herself with the seed she could salvage from that
> witch's brew of fluids in a rusted out vessel. But the
> slattern with maternal instincts wasn't prepared for
> the type of cell-division that she was about to
> experience. Something occurred in the mingling of the
> eggs of Onion & Garlic Sally and the seed (mixed with
> who knows what else!) of a pinhead dwarf with leg
> Elephantitis that was unnatural and perhaps even
> diabolical! Delivery occurred in only 6 months and the
> mother's distended abdomen was almost dragging the
> sidewalk by the time the pangs of birth began to beat.
>
>
> Karen Bennett was born on a rueful, foggy, and damp
> morning among piles of used Tampax in a soot-smeared
> alley. She weighed 36 pounds at birth (a preemie) and
> came out sideways, ripping her mother apart like a
> pull-tab peeling back the metal lid of a tuna tin.
> Born with a ravenous appetite, it was the baby Karen
> herself that chewed through the umbilical cord,
> afterwards feasting on her first meal--what might be
> called "gooey afterbirth pizza."
>
> Other street people threw the mangled carcass of Onion
> & Garlic Sally into a sewage cistern and the enormous
> baby was taken in by a sterile couple that deeply
> wanted a child. It was an unfortunate decision. As the
> baby grew even larger it began burning enormous holes
> in the carpet with acid and shot bric-a-brac off the
> corner cabinets. And changing her diapers was so
> offensive that they frequently barfed when the chore
> was done. The commode was always clogged with the ever
> increasing fecal material passed by Onion & Garlic
> Sally's offspring and local plumbers refused to come
> to their aid after an initial visit.
>
> By the time "little" Fat Karen started school, she
> already had thick ankles and thin hair. Mosquito bites
> left revoltingly raw pink skin lesions on her arms
> that were attributed to "bad blood." The other
> children were at first afraid of her but having this
> aberration among them was such a novelty that they
> began to devise ways to torment her for their own
> amusement. She was sometimes made to eat bugs, lick
> tree bark, and to bite the heads off of tobacco worms.
> Several little boys caught her once behind the school
> building and forced her to pick their noses. This
> instilled a deep resentment in Fat Karen that would
> seethe under the surface for many years.
>
> As Fat Karen grew older her own nose became more beaky
> and looked to be considerably older than the rest of
> her. Both of her hands were left ones. She had a
> round, rubberish abdomen reminiscent of a mama spider
> and sometimes little boys at school would poke her
> with a safety pin "to see if she would pop." Once they
> were going to apply super glue to her meep but she
> blasted them with a strong flatulent wind--the smell
> of which can still be detected on the walls of the
> classroom to this very day.
>
> No matter what non-gaseous food was prepared for her,
> Fat Karen invariably broke wind after every third
> bite. A stranger might have thought she was playing
> old bass-fiddle solos on a hi-fi. As she had to tilt
> just a bit before each blast, the effect was that of
> having dinner aboard a small boat on a rough sea.
> During a thunderstorm.
>
> Meanwhile Karen grew larger and larger and where this
> would eventually lead, no one liked to think. Fat
> folds formed all around her middle and other children
> referred to them as "grabules." It became a game to
> try to grab a grabule whenever they passed the plump
> one in a hallway. Her limp, lifeless hair started to
> frizz about the time she reached adolescence and when
> any little boy in her school was mandated to square
> dance with her, he was certain to hurry afterwards to
> the bathroom to wash the cooties off.
>
> By puberty, Karen had edged more and more toward the
> loathesome. She was frequently seen sniffing under her
> arms to see if her Right Guard was working. She
> appeared to have bee-stung lips and no new wardrobe
> could improve her figure which came under the prolate
> spheroid classification. Playtex 18-hour girdles
> always quit after only 15 minutes. And instead of a
> Maidenform bra, she needed to use a cowboy belt.
>
> Her appetite could be compared to someone in the
> historic Donner party (suggested further reading at
> http://raiboy.tripod.com/Donner/id14.html) on about
> the 23rd day of being trapped by that Sierra blizzard.
> And if breakfast, lunch or dinner were a little late,
> she would have no compunction about a dash of
> cannibalism. The Fat One showed an alarming interest
> in a neighbor's little baby who was plump and juicy at
> that age and every night his parents made it a point
> to count his chubby little fingers and toes. They were
> always relieved when he seemed to have the correct
> number.
>
> Ostracism was the order of the day at the Bennett
> household. Parents nudged their children away when
> passing on the sidewalk and walked more briskly until
> reaching the next block. Parents stopped attending PTA
> meetings when the Bennetts were expected. Even
> Jehovah's Witnesses blacklisted Fat Karen's house,
> leaving her and her parents without any precise date
> as to when the end of the world was due--and forcing
> them to live from day to day and not subscribe to any
> magazine for more than the regular 3-issue trial.
>
> Puberty brought other problems as well. After her
> first "period," geographers had to rethink their long
> accepted theories about the source of Texas's "Red
> River." When "that time of month" came, other girls in
> Karen's phys-ed class joked about fording the red
> river on their way to the next class. And the pimples!
> Hormones raged inside the corpulent body and greasy
> bumps covered her face and back and just about
> everywhere else. All were firy-red, yellow and orange
> with white pustules forming on the ends making her
> face resemble a field of corn candy. And while this
> may sound like it would be a deterrent to finding a
> suitor, it actually led to Karen's first meepual
> encounter. It was with an old Nazi World War II
> veteran that had immigrated to Atlanta. After seeing
> the Fat One's pepperoni face he fantasized he was
> shagging a pizza--saying it was the only way he knew
> to get back at Mussolini and the Italians.
>
> After this encounter Fat Karen had no other meepual
> experiences for many years--though she developed a
> prurient and ongoing relationship with a pink McCoy
> pottery ewer taken at intervals from the shelf of her
> adoptive mother's kitchen cabinet. The ewer would
> disappear for hours only to be found with its neck
> coated in a viscous slime that was not readily
> identifiable. Her parents scrupulously avoided their
> monstrous girl's room during these CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF
> THE EWER KIND and her mother would whisper to her
> father saying: "the ewer is not on the shelf." No
> other comment needed to be made.
>
> In adulthood Fat Karen finally found someone to marry
> her--a distant cousin of recording artist Meatloaf.
> Perhaps the reader will be reminded of the adage "Love
> Is Blind." In Karen's case Love is also Deaf and Dumb
> and has no Olfactory Senses. Efforts to conceive were
> fruitless for some years. Then it was discovered that
> the couple had never actually had meepual intercourse.
> Instead, it was found upon close examination that
> Meatloaf's cousin had mistakenly been ejaculating into
> various abdominal fatfolds. There ARE other known
> details of the love life of this loathesome couple.
> However they must be omitted so as not to induce
> nausea in the reader.
>
> It was at the insistance of the Communications Workers
> of America Union that many telecommunications
> companies were forced to hire a percentage of "obese"
> employees in the 1980's--to fill the "calorie quota."
> Fat Karen, due to her size and appearance, had not
> been able to find gainful employment. Although she had
> applied at McDonalds and Taco Bell on several
> occasions, the hiring managers feared she would devour
> all the food and there would be nothing left for
> customers. (And just think of the flatulence that
> would result from all those burritos!) They also knew
> that it would be difficult for Plump Gal to squeeze
> between the counters. So she instead took advantage of
> the opportunity CWA had afforded her and forced her
> way into the wireless telephony company known as
> BellSouth Mobility DCS. Now all the resentment,
> hatred, sense of self-insufficiency, and pain
> engendered during her early years would manifest
> itself in a fury that defied logic.
>
> Through the years, Onion & Garlic Sally's daughter had
> come to resent and detest most everyone she had known.
> There were those who made fun of her. There were those
> that insulted her. There were those that tried to
> ignore her. There were those that recoiled at the
> sight of her--even total strangers.
>
> There were also the beautiful pep squad girls in
> school that would not give Fat Karen the time of day.
> There were the handsome young boys that suffered
> temporary impotence when she entered the room. (There
> were also the UGLY young boys that suffered temporary
> impotence when she entered the room!). There were
> parents that would NEVER allow her to play with their
> own children. There was the horror of looking in the
> mirror. Like a festering sore that needed to be
> lanced, Karen Bennett had moved into the corporate
> world. Here she would take out all of her resentment,
> her insecurity, and her self-loathing on everyone that
> entered the realm around her. Here she would rail and
> foment against those that symbolized the tormentors of
> her early years. Here she would scream, rant, demand,
> threaten, and humiliate. Here her power would be a
> bulwark preventing everyone she encountered from
> voicing their true opinion of her. Here the daughter
> of Onion & Garlic Sally and a pinhead dwarf with
> elephantine legs would rule! And proving Darwin's
> theory of "Survival of the Fattest," here she has
> managed to remain on the payroll long after better
> people are gone. Here Stan Sigman allows her to
> continue on--perhaps fearing she might castrate him
> (though he appears to have no gonads anyway).
>
> What the future will bring is uncertain and
> terrifying. While the world fears terrorism from
> abroad, Cingular employees recoil in horror at the
> thought of coming into contact with the daughter of
> Onion and Garlic Sally. It is anticipated that she
> will live to be 105 years old (only the good die
> young--with apologies to Billy Joel) and doubtless
> will wreak havoc in the lives of all she encounters.
> But perhaps one sun drenched day in the distant
> future--when a young couple is strolling through a
> peaceful cemetery reading epitaphs of old, realizing
> something of the pain of loss of a loved one when they
> read inscriptions saying "GONE TOO SOON"--they will be
> shocked to stumble upon a monument to the daughter of
> a pinhead dwarf and nasty street woman. They will see
> Fat Karen's own epitaph, erected by Cingular
> employees: "HERE LIES FAT KAREN BENNETT, WHO DEPARTED
> THIS LIFE AT THE AGE OF 105." Then as their eyes drift
> down further on the marble stone they will read an
> inscription not found on other memorials. Instead of
> "Gone Too Soon" it will read "STAYED TOO LONG."