Joke time

Here's on from the late 1800s

A Jew, a club-footed meep, a thief and a Free Silver Democrat walk into a tavern. The barman looks the Free Silver Democrat in the eye and says "Please leave this establishment, as we don't serve your kind here."

meep

<span class="post_was_edited">On 2008-09-30 at 07:43:38, wolfer asked to smell your meep</span>

<span class="post_was_edited">On 2008-09-30 at 07:44:46, wolfer asked to smell your meep</span>

If you get an e-mail with Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

My turn:

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear.

Yeah I know- MY mom told me that one years ago, still love it.

On a warm summer night in Georgia, a wealthy plantation owner was having a rather large party. To make this a party to remember he had an alligator placed in the pool. Halfway through the night most of the partiers gathered around the pool to listen to the owner tell stories. Wanting to have a better time, he made an offer to the party guest. I will give anyone $1000 if they jump in and wrestle the alligator. Just than a black man hits the water and fights for 5 minutes, thrashing and yelling about. When he climbs out of the pool the owner walks up, slaps him on the back and HOOOEEEEEE son that was spectaculer! How do you want the money? Cash or check? The black man replies meep that, I want the name of the mothermeeper that pushed me in the pool.....

badum chissss

Q: What do old ladies taste like?

A: Depends.

Two girls were bathing together. So one girl asked the other, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your meep?" The other girl replied , "Have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"

A man was bathing with his 4 year old son when the inevitable question came up: "daddy, why does my peepee look different from yours?"

"well, son, because mine is erect."

What does JFK and Obama have in common?

Nothing yet :)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like meep. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, 'Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Rabbi and a priest walking down the street. The priest spots this 6 year old boy, the priest says to the rabbi, let's screw him, the rabbi turns and says to the priest, out of what?

Why do women wear so much makeup and perfume?

Because they are ugly, and they smell bad.

What do all the women in a battered wives shelter have in common?

They just won't meeping listen.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of a battered wives shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

They say Michael Jackson died of food poisening. They found 12 year old nuts in his mouth

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice...

dameep: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...

original

What does the battered woman do after her battered womens' support group meeting?

The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.

Farrah Faucett arrives at the pearly gates and is met by GOD Himself. He says:"I'm sooo sorry for the meep genetics hun. You took it as part of life and fought valiently though, and were an inspiration for everyone. As a reward, I will grant you anything you want." She thinks a minute and says:" I can't ask for anything for myself. I'm just happy to have made it here. If you could though, would you please do something to make the world a little safer for the children?" God snps His fingers and says "Done!" -instantly Michael Jackson keels over dead.

Women Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

<span class="post_was_edited">On 2009-07-01 at 16:40:28, trickbear asked to smell your meep</span>

If you had a meep growing on your forehead, how long would if have to be before you see it?

I would be pretty hard to see with those nuts in your eyes..

What's the difference between oral meep and meep meep? Oral meep will make your day, meep your whole week.

Who can make more in a week, a dope dealer or a prostitute? The meep, cause she can wash and resell her crack.

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Bob, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert island. They live there for a couple of years doing what is natural for men and women to do ..After several years of casual meep, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having meep with both Bob and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but both Bob and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well,a couple more years went by and Bob and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried her....

So with Michael Jacksons' recent death, some good has come of it. In his will was a stipulation donating his plastic face to Lego where it will be melted down and made into Legos for children.

This is being done so kids can play with HIM for a change.

you got that email, too?

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your meep in your meep?" grandpa asked back.

"No"

"Well, then you're not big enough"

Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your meep in your meep?" grandpa asked again.

"No"

"Well, than you're not big enough"

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your meep in your meep?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go meep yourself, these are my cookies"

apparently there is safety in numbers

tell that to 6 million jews

<code>      A Short Story<br><br>One day, long, long ago.......<br>there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or meep.<br /><br />But this was a long time ago.......<br><br>and it was just that one day.<br><br>  The End
</code>

A jew with a hardon walks into a wall and breaks his nose.

How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very, very satisfying.

The Texas Work Force Department received a report on a rancher that claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent. The rancher replied,

"That would be me."

(cc: The Joys of Ownership)

A Texas farmer was talking to a Wisconsin farmer. "If I get in my truck in the morning, I could drive all day and still never see the end of my property" , bragged the Texan. "Yeah" laughed the Wisconsin farmer, "I used to have a truck like that".

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the meep's wrong with your meep?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

A Texas trooper pulled over a pickup truck. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

meep you

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "meep." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "meep" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John meeped Mary) and intransitive (Mary was meeped by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a meep), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a meep), an adverb (Mary is meeping interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific meep). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is meeping beautiful) or an interjection (meep! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, meep she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "meep". Aside from its meepual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the meep are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got meeped by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, meep it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm meeped now."
5. Aggression "meep YOU!"
6. Disgust "meep me."
7. Confusion "What the meep.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this meeping business!"
9. Despair "meeped again..."
10. Pleasure "I meeping couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the meep is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the meep are we."
13. Disbelief "UNmeepINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your meeping meep!"
15. Denial "I didn't meeping do it."
16. Perplexity "I know meep all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a meep, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the meep are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the meep are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the meep out of here."
21. Directions "meep off."
22. Disbelief "How the meep did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a meeping meep." It can be used to tell time- "It's five meeping thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this meeping job?" It can be maternal- "Mothermeeper." It can be political- "meep D an Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the meep was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima " Where did all these meeping Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the meep is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "Thats not a real meeping gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna meeping find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to meeping roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the meeping woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger" "What meeping map?" Mark Thatcher "Any meeping idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so meeping look like her!" Picasso "How the meep did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the meeping ceiling?" Michaelangelo "meep a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its meeping there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna meeping rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered meeping showers my meep." Noah