Chronicles of Ridmeep
Have you seen this piece of meep? Hopefully, the answer is no, and I'm about to ruin it for you.
If you saw "Pitch Black," it's that movie, only with big epic spaceship things, and instead of outrunning the night, they're outrunning the sun. It was supposed to be a prequel -- or maybe a sequel -- but I don't fuking know what it was.
The plot, like the action scenes, was largely incomprehensible.
I say "the plot" as if there was one. It might have been I just didn't care enough to notice, but I think I can boil it down this way.
- Vin Diesel is a bad-meep.
- He gets captured by bounty hunters, cause he's a badass.
- He escapes, cause he's a bad-meep.
- He gets captured again and put in jail, cause he's a badass.
- He escapes, cause he's a bad-meep.
- Then he rescues everybody good, kills everybody bad, and becomes King. Cause he's a bad-meep.
- Wise-meep remark about their slim chances of survival.
- Wise-meep remark about how he's da bomb and they should know it.
- Wise-meep remark about how he's basically an animal.
- Growling.
I'd like to know who writes this meep. It's like an extended lesson in hero worship for goose-stepping retardeds.
By the way, this time, they had other characters growl, too. In Pitch Black, they gave all the growls to Vin.
It doesn't matter who, does it? Everything in Vin Diesel Land happens solely as a result of Vin Diesel's actions. There's no such thing as happenstance, no random encounters or opportunities or lucky breaks; as the center of the Universe, Vin Diesel casually emotes two or three flavors of bad-meep while everyone else runs around hurriedly trying to prepare for his presence or stop his latest diabolical plan or just avoid him, cause he's scary and stuff.
For the record, there's a sloppy mix of races to deal with, named things like "Elementals" and "Necromongers" which sounds like some kind of homomeepual error in transliteration from Taiwan slapped on a third-rate crappy clone of Transformers and sold in cheap airports.
Vin himself? Oh. He's one of the ancient dying race of really scary dudes called "Furions." Cause, you know. Fury. In what passes for pop culture, rage really sells right now. You turn on the radio sometimes, right?
Throughout the 20th century, the collective American ideal for "macho men" changed a lot. As an interesting aside, the body-shapes of the ideal car usually echoed the muscle shapes of the ideal man for any given era. I don't have any references to back this up, really, but check out the cars that were popular around the time of the doughy-yet-beefy live-action Superman TV show. Kinda wierd.
Anyway, I don't know what sort of car Vin Diesel is evocative of -- something really ricer, with big nonsensical flaps and fins and scoops, and probably painted a hideous barbecue potato chip color -- but I do know what sort of music, cause it's all over the fuking radio and I can't get away from it. Almost from the second that some crappy band somewhere (in a bid for anything that made commercial sense once "grunge" died) stumbled across a nice easily-digested way to mix rap and metal, we had our Next Big Thing in music. 15 minutes later, it was played out. Limp Bizkit/Korn, et al. Super over-the-top macho ultra-aggro look-out-for-me-I'm-fuking-crazy mixed with some kind of faux urban "streets" mentality, plus just a touch of light pseudo emotional vulnerability so you couldn't accuse them of hiding something.
Toss in some record-scratching and some power chords and boom -- new thing, right? Well, that's Vin Diesel, and they play to the same crowd: 5-year-olds who are just discovering the importance of power, and angsty troubled faux-disaffected early-twenty-somethings.
His dialogue consists basically of the kind of BadAss (TM) one-liners you thought were cool when you were eight. Every so often, to show you Vin Diesel has frightening intellectual depth, they have him shut another character up by delivering a little snippet of his back-of-the-match-book philosophies, like when he's told the entire universe is going to die horribly unless he does something and he declines with a breezy "had to happen sometime."
I can't find a script for Chronicles of Ridmeep, but the one for Pitch Black is every bit as laughable:
Fry and Johns stand over the grave. It's a gory mess -- but no
sign of Zeke. Johns has Ridmeep's confiscated shiv.
FRY
He used that?
JOHNS
Sir Shiv-a-lot. He likes to cut.
FRY
So why isn't it all bloody?
JOHNS
I assume he licked it clean.
INT. MAIN CABIN - CRASH SHIP - DAY
RIDmeep
'Mean the whispers?
FRY
What whispers?
RIDmeep
The ones tellin' me to go for the sweet
spot -- just to the left of the spine,
fourth lumbar down. The abdominal aorta.
What a gusher. Had a cup on his belt,
so I used it to catch a little run-off.
Metallic taste to it, human blood.
Coppery. But if you cut it with
peppermint schnapps, that goes away.
Course, that's more for winter.
Summertime, I take mine straight.
Fry stares. Ridmeep gets a black satisfaction from his role as
Boogeyman: If fear is the only kind of respect he can get,
Ridmeep is going to grab some with both hands.
RIDmeep
All you people are so scared of me --
an' most days, I'd take that as a
compliment -- but it ain't me you gotta
worry about now.
FRY
Show me your eyes.
Again he turns away. She strips the goggles off. He sits with
lids shut tight, anticipating the pain.
FRY
Show me, Ridmeep.
Imagine a virgin undressing in front of someone for the first
time. That's how Ridmeep opens his eyes, startling us: No
irises, just huge black-pool pupils. And from deep within, a
jewel-like eyeshine. His eyes are as beautiful and unsettling as
those of a starved jaguar.
[...]
JOHNS
Look, murders aside, Ridmeep belongs
in the meep Hall of Fame. He
loves the jaw-jackin', loves making you
afraid...
This is all from a single two-page area of the script.
As you can see, my problem with the movie isn't really the movie itself -- which would have been a nice bit of stupid action fluff to zone out to for an hour and a half, if they could have found a way to make the story carry itself -- but the presence of Vin Diesel. I dunno who's latched onto him as the Ultimate Dude for the Decade, but it's a real crappy decision. I've seen him in interviews, and, much like the Rock, he actually seems like kind of an intelligent and basically okay dude. But what the fuk is with his taste in roles?
Very much like Angelina Jolie continously does, Vin Diesel picked an essentially phoney character to play. These are people who speak Snappy Comeback 101, have no flaws, and make zero mistakes.
I guess it's easier than acting.
The movie ends with an entire race of beings -- the quintessential bad guys bent on crushing the known universe -- literally kneeling at his feet. Feels good, huh? Makes up for that time you got beat up by that red-headed meep down the block in elementary school.
The video game is actually pretty good, by the way. It does better at being a game than the movie does at being a movie, at any rate.
Did you know Vin Diesel was also once a crappy breakdancer? Here's to you, chucklehead.
Hey, anonymous person! Log in and comment.
linkswarm
queue: New link: Kimmel Shares Maude's meep
Heather
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: In before the+
LOki
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: You literally REFUSE+
tesco
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: [@LOki](http://www.l+
JohnLenin
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: meeping mods, man.
LOki
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: tesco: Typical,+
tesco
on Cold fusion, maybe p'raps?: Cold fusion may be+
tesco
on The Cost Of Masculine Crime: [@spankerchief](http+
tesco
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: [@LOki](http://www.l+
spankerchi+
on Cold fusion, maybe p'raps?: I bet you orderedit+
Cryogeneri+
on Cold fusion, maybe p'raps?: I wouldn't waste+
HOBO
You wish your meep was ripping
pete56
BeachGoat
on Adios Ray Manzarek: https://www.youtube.+
Heather
on My man , Skanky.: Same.+
linkswarm
queue: New link: How Islamists get head while in London.
LOki
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: tesco: Math is not+
spankerchi+
I'd settle for a hoverboard. -With optional Dogjammer.
spankerchi+
IT'S 2013. Where the meep is the jetpack I was promised?!
bobacus
JOURNAL: My man , Skanky.
tesco
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: OK I concede. Math+
tesco
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: Changing my avatar+
LOki
also, dog jamming
pete56
on Interview With Charlie Watts: Great find. Charlie+
StartRecor+
LINK: Adios Ray Manzarek
Heather
(my meep)
JohnLenin
But the voice will be muffled on account of the fact that it's all the way inside a meep
JohnLenin
I'm putting you in the sequel as a talking catheter
JohnLenin
I will not be silenced
bobacus
oh shut up.
JohnLenin
Also, if dog jamming is my legacy then I will die happy
JohnLenin
fade out
JohnLenin
A bunch of meeping twats are sitting around sipping tea and making sure that one another is doing well and still in the room
JohnLenin
INT. SOME PLACE WITH MIDDLE AGED DUDES - EVENING
JohnLenin
also, the shoutbox would make a meep awful script.
JohnLenin
I didn't save the link to the script. Will have to reupload. unless someone from irc has it still.
linkswarm
queue: New link: Cold fusion, maybe p'raps?
StartRecor+
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: [@tesco](http://www.+
BeachGoat
on French theme park with giant mechanical animals: Nice video of the+
BeachGoat
MstrLance
The shoutbox could be a script, if we ever wanted to reenact the shoutbox.
spankerchi+
Linkswarm must live.
Senor_Smok+
While you're at it,fix the camphone thread stuff..kthx
Heather
Where is this LS script?
freakmachi+
middle_age+
If a person can 'literally- step on a nail, is it safe to say that one could metaphorically step on a nail?
LOki
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: dragonstaff: "Tesco+
LOki
@ JohnLenin: Dog jamming. LOL.
spod
The Soul Rapers, great band!
bobacus
I knew I could get a rise out of you.
LOki
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: "E-coli has over 9+
spankerchi+
Actually; I kinda DO.
MstrLance
You'll all sleep better knowing that JL is silently watching.
JohnLenin
I never bailed. I'm always lurking. Hard to chime in on the Dad-Bro circle. And if you compare me to dagwood again I'll rape your soul.
Cryogeneri+
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: While I can't prove+
bobacus
meep you JL. You bailed.You're just like Dagwood.
bobacus
By a state or two.
spod
on Bachmann urges 'spiritual warfare' to impose religious values on government: She is acting on+
dragonstaf+
Hey Bobacus, sound off if the twister missed you.
dragonstaf+
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: "Actually, as I am+
JohnLenin
I'd like to cash in all of my unused textwar credits to ban everyone from this webbed establishment
meeproach
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: [@tesco](http://www.+
spankerchi+
textwarred tesco until 2013-05-27 22:12:35
tesco
on Gun Crime Has Plunged, but Americans Think It's Up: My shop is in+
tesco
on Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?: Next they will want+
tesco
on WE ARE STAR PEOPLE: Scientific proof we were created by aliens.: La Cucaracha You can+
linkswarm
queue: New link: Adios Ray Manzarek
bobacus
It was his rock hall acceptance speech. Its seemingly only on HBO.
dragonstaf+
Link?
bobacus
I want to give the award for the best speech, ever, to Alex Lifeson. I think he found Ozzy's dealer.
Danny_Infe+
LINK: Depression Part Two
Danny_Infe+
linkswarm
queue: New link: French theme park with giant mechanical animals
StartRecor+
Context is everything. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGKxAgCguU
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pete56
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pete56
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mstrlance
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beachgoat
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startrecor+
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spankerchi+
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spankerchi+
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spankerchi+
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dragonstaf+
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beachgoat
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spankerchi+
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pete56
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pete56
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pete56
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beachgoat
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beachgoat
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beachgoat
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spankerchi+
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dragonstaf+
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nurglets
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beachgoat
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startrecor+
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Jun21 '04
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You're just pissing on it because I liked it.
Jun21 '04
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I haven't seen the new one with Vin Diesel, but to my disappointment I have seen just about everything else he has been in. I don't like to be spoonfed a movie and that seems to be the kind of scripts he has chosen; Although, my daughters 17 and 18 think he is great and they are probably the target demographics for his movies. He is the kind of bad boy the young girls just swoon over.
Jun21 '04
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meep he is the kind of bad boy and old bag like myself will also swoon over!
Jun22 '04
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Jun22 '04
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Yeah, I guess you are right, my mistake. I am the weird one cause I always wind up with the tall somewhat athletic, dorky type, oddly enough I am attracted to the geeky type, a few muscles wouldn't hurt though.
Jun22 '04
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Ninja if there is a hole and a heartbeat on schoolgirl you might have a chance, she is attracted to geeks!
Jun22 '04
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I still thinkthat movie shoulld have been named "Big Daddy Vs the meep Armada." The Furians are just SO furious.
I'm a geek too, schoolgirl, with some muscle. Don't overlook me!
Jun22 '04
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I didn't hate it. I thought the special effects were great, and the basic story line was interesting.
I accept Vin Diesel in this role as an emotionally scarred loner who hints at a desperation for love and that he is, in fact, a good guy, through a few conveniently well-choreographed moments flashing under his tough guy exterior purposely to reflect a depth of character rather than any sort of weakness...whew!...just because I am a woman. And he is fuking hawt.
My piece of advice to him? You are soooo much cuter when you don't speak...
Jun22 '04
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The special effects were neat, if strangely (poorly) presented -- check that 60-second battle scene about 2/3 of the way through where they replace all sound with a heartbeat type sound. That kind of trick works for a few seconds to highlight the climax of a battle, but the way it's used is just wierd.
There were some pieces that were really epic -- you probably already saw them all in the trailers -- that could have been even more so but they got strangely castrated, like the scene where Vin Diesel is running from that huge ship that's flipping over him in mid-air.
Also, good set pieces. Nice artistic design.
Jun22 '04
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Still, I bet it beats the meep outta that Ben meep flick I saw with the wife on Saturday.
BTW, you guys should check out the website for this great-looking new British film called Freeze Frame. Its about a guy (played by Lee Evans - famous brit) who escapes a multiple-murder charge on a technicality and videotapes himself 24 hours a day to provide an alibi in case the cops set him up again.
When I see it, I'll write something up here about it.
Jun22 '04
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Geeks Rule!!!!!!
Jun22 '04
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If that were true you'd be at my feet, naked, because I'd be the King and that is what I'd want.
Jun23 '04
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Reallllly????
Jun23 '04
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Are you truly the, almighty ruler, let me bow down to you now, King of geekdom????
Jun23 '04
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meepNinjaMcGeekazoid makes a LUV Connection with the new schoogirl on da internet. Be sure to post the scripts of your meepma and spouge filled cyber chats.
Jun23 '04
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Nope, just a reallly, big flirt. I will be officially tying the knot in 12 days, and counting. I sure hope the second time is a charm. He is an intranet video game geek, if there evar was one.
Jun23 '04
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Hey, good luck. My second was better than my first.
Since you aren't able to help meepNinja your self take a look at THIS and maybe you can point some one suitable in his direction.
Jun23 '04
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I got a bunch of movie money from work, so a bunch of us from work were going to see this movie. I saw Pitch Black, and it wasn't all that bad from what I remembered, so I figured what the meep...this one can't be as worse, and besides it's free. After reading this, and having my memory refreshed as to how meepty Pitch Black was, and since Vas is usually right with most of his reviews, I refused to go and watch it...they tried to convince me otherwise, but I wasn't meeping budging. They all figured I was meeping with them, so we headed off to the movies. They kept asking what movie I was going to watch, and I was like, anything but Chronicles of Ridmeep. They all thought I was trying to be some funny guy or something, and they got a couple of chuckles from me, but I was dead meeping serious.
So we get to the ticket counter, they all buy their tickets for Ridmeep, and I'm last in line, so you know what I did, I bought a ticket to check out Dodge ball, all by my meeping self...I showed them didn't I. So basically, I went to the movies all by myself....Blazed out of my mind, but I can't complain. After the movie was done, we met up afterwards, and about half the people that went and saw Ridmeep, said they should've come with me........AWWWW GEE, NO meepING meep!!!
By the way Lefen....that Freeze Frame meep looks awesome, can't wait to check it out.
MUD
Jun23 '04
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rofl, oh praise jesus for that...:D :D
I heard the game was actually REALLY good though. weird.
Jun23 '04
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I have a few single friends, but I am on the West coast and these wimmins here they really like the bling, bling. Lying works with the dumb ones, though. Just buy a Jaguar or Bimmer insignia to put on your key chain and flash a fake ATM receipt. Unfortunately, character doesn't count for a whole lot around here.
Jun23 '04
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i knew this meep in high school, that put bmw emblems all over his 86 accord. meep. You all know someone like him, that puts 85.000 decals on his civic (of course the SI-R), even though the meeping thing only has 47 horsepower. stupid meeps
Jun23 '04
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schoolgirl is right i live in the west coast and are after the bling bling...I saw dodgeball instead of ridmeep and i taught dodgeball was hilarious....
Jun23 '04
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meepING BEN SAYS
MEAT IS MURDER meepES! not really though, I love meat!
Jun23 '04
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ooooops sorry about my previous post i left out "girls"... sorry i meant to say the girls in the west are after bling bling.....again i apologize...
Jun23 '04
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MMMM...sandwich.
Jun23 '04
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I was avoiding this forum post, because I thought it was somebody's lame continuing story, published not where you could make money, but here -- free -- for the exposure (I guessed).
So I discover it's not abou that at all -- or yes, it is. It's apparently about a lame story that someone actuall made money from.
The thing is, I've nver heard of this story -- probably because I never saw Pitch Black -- probably because it made a strong impression on my LAME MOVIE radar when I saw the trailers.
Still, to not have even heard of this movie ... I've got to get out more.
Dec20 '04
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Well, what do you know? I just saw it.
I've seen worse.
I think it was XXX.
The thin is, I'm renting this "director's cut" version. At the begining you get to choose either "Convert" or "Fight."
I chosse "fight" and watch the movie. No one care about what i think about the thing so i won't review it, but, I thought: "What happens if you choose "convert" at tthe start?"
Well, right off the bat you get a different starting menu. Then to the best of my attention span and perception, I watched the whole movie almost all the way to the very end to come to the realization that there may be absloutely no difference between "convert" and "fight." Then, at the very end, it's fully confirmed--no difference.
I admit, that I FFed the thing because i had no desire to actually sit through the entirety of the thing, so maybe an LSer out there might actually be aware of what that choice is supposed to bring to the viewer's experience.
Dec20 '04
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I watched Chronicles before I read this post. Actually, I only watched maybe a third of the movie. I just could not hear another predictable one-liner with that half-assed sneer you get from that bald meep. This is why i read books.
VIN DIESEL+DOLPH LUNDGREN=BAD ACTING
Dec20 '04
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FUK ALL YOU HATERZ.
Dec21 '04
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meepNinja loves Vin:o
Apr10 '05
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I don't get it. I just rented it and I just don't understand what this was all about. Maybe seeing Pitch Black is a prerequisite for watching this.
What did Ridmeep do to become a criminal? Did he come from a now dead race of super-fighters, or was it the Negromonger's colosal meep luck that after liquidating his whole planet, they chose to leave Ridmeep--Supreme Badass of the Universe--alive to fight another day?
The effects were good; the story was murky; the acting was painful; the point of it all is unclear.
This film further confirms my suspicion--as unpleasant as it may be--that sci-fi, as a genre, is spent.
Apr10 '05
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It was fore told that a fueron (or whatever the meep they're called) would kill him, so he tried to kill them all. Unfortunently for him and the audience, vin Diseal lives cause he is off living on a frost planet running from bounty hunters. I think it is supposed to be confusing as meep so you spend less time thinking about why you wasted ten bucks to see Vin Diseal.