Have you seen this piece of meep? Hopefully, the answer is no, and I'm about to ruin it for you.
If you saw "Pitch Black," it's that movie, only with big epic spaceship things, and instead of outrunning the night, they're outrunning the sun. It was supposed to be a prequel -- or maybe a sequel -- but I don't fuking know what it was.
The plot, like the action scenes, was largely incomprehensible.
I say "the plot" as if there was one. It might have been I just didn't care enough to notice, but I think I can boil it down this way.
- Vin Diesel is a bad-meep.
- He gets captured by bounty hunters, cause he's a badass.
- He escapes, cause he's a bad-meep.
- He gets captured again and put in jail, cause he's a badass.
- He escapes, cause he's a bad-meep.
- Then he rescues everybody good, kills everybody bad, and becomes King. Cause he's a bad-meep.
- Wise-meep remark about their slim chances of survival.
- Wise-meep remark about how he's da bomb and they should know it.
- Wise-meep remark about how he's basically an animal.
I'd like to know who writes this meep. It's like an extended lesson in hero worship for goose-stepping retardeds.
By the way, this time, they had other characters growl, too. In Pitch Black, they gave all the growls to Vin.
It doesn't matter who, does it? Everything in Vin Diesel Land happens solely as a result of Vin Diesel's actions. There's no such thing as happenstance, no random encounters or opportunities or lucky breaks; as the center of the Universe, Vin Diesel casually emotes two or three flavors of bad-meep while everyone else runs around hurriedly trying to prepare for his presence or stop his latest diabolical plan or just avoid him, cause he's scary and stuff.
For the record, there's a sloppy mix of races to deal with, named things like "Elementals" and "Necromongers" which sounds like some kind of homomeepual error in transliteration from Taiwan slapped on a third-rate crappy clone of Transformers and sold in cheap airports.
Vin himself? Oh. He's one of the ancient dying race of really scary dudes called "Furions." Cause, you know. Fury. In what passes for pop culture, rage really sells right now. You turn on the radio sometimes, right?
Throughout the 20th century, the collective American ideal for "macho men" changed a lot. As an interesting aside, the body-shapes of the ideal car usually echoed the muscle shapes of the ideal man for any given era. I don't have any references to back this up, really, but check out the cars that were popular around the time of the doughy-yet-beefy live-action Superman TV show. Kinda wierd.
Anyway, I don't know what sort of car Vin Diesel is evocative of -- something really ricer, with big nonsensical flaps and fins and scoops, and probably painted a hideous barbecue potato chip color -- but I do know what sort of music, cause it's all over the fuking radio and I can't get away from it. Almost from the second that some crappy band somewhere (in a bid for anything that made commercial sense once "grunge" died) stumbled across a nice easily-digested way to mix rap and metal, we had our Next Big Thing in music. 15 minutes later, it was played out. Limp Bizkit/Korn, et al. Super over-the-top macho ultra-aggro look-out-for-me-I'm-fuking-crazy mixed with some kind of faux urban "streets" mentality, plus just a touch of light pseudo emotional vulnerability so you couldn't accuse them of hiding something.
Toss in some record-scratching and some power chords and boom -- new thing, right? Well, that's Vin Diesel, and they play to the same crowd: 5-year-olds who are just discovering the importance of power, and angsty troubled faux-disaffected early-twenty-somethings.
His dialogue consists basically of the kind of BadAss (TM) one-liners you thought were cool when you were eight. Every so often, to show you Vin Diesel has frightening intellectual depth, they have him shut another character up by delivering a little snippet of his back-of-the-match-book philosophies, like when he's told the entire universe is going to die horribly unless he does something and he declines with a breezy "had to happen sometime."
I can't find a script for Chronicles of Ridmeep, but the one for Pitch Black is every bit as laughable:
Fry and Johns stand over the grave. It's a gory mess -- but no
sign of Zeke. Johns has Ridmeep's confiscated shiv.
He used that?
Sir Shiv-a-lot. He likes to cut.
So why isn't it all bloody?
I assume he licked it clean.
INT. MAIN CABIN - CRASH SHIP - DAY
'Mean the whispers?
The ones tellin' me to go for the sweet
spot -- just to the left of the spine,
fourth lumbar down. The abdominal aorta.
What a gusher. Had a cup on his belt,
so I used it to catch a little run-off.
Metallic taste to it, human blood.
Coppery. But if you cut it with
peppermint schnapps, that goes away.
Course, that's more for winter.
Summertime, I take mine straight.
Fry stares. Ridmeep gets a black satisfaction from his role as
Boogeyman: If fear is the only kind of respect he can get,
Ridmeep is going to grab some with both hands.
All you people are so scared of me --
an' most days, I'd take that as a
compliment -- but it ain't me you gotta
worry about now.
Show me your eyes.
Again he turns away. She strips the goggles off. He sits with
lids shut tight, anticipating the pain.
Show me, Ridmeep.
Imagine a virgin undressing in front of someone for the first
time. That's how Ridmeep opens his eyes, startling us: No
irises, just huge black-pool pupils. And from deep within, a
jewel-like eyeshine. His eyes are as beautiful and unsettling as
those of a starved jaguar.
Look, murders aside, Ridmeep belongs
in the meep Hall of Fame. He
loves the jaw-jackin', loves making you
This is all from a single two-page area of the script.
As you can see, my problem with the movie isn't really the movie itself -- which would have been a nice bit of stupid action fluff to zone out to for an hour and a half, if they could have found a way to make the story carry itself -- but the presence of Vin Diesel. I dunno who's latched onto him as the Ultimate Dude for the Decade, but it's a real crappy decision. I've seen him in interviews, and, much like the Rock, he actually seems like kind of an intelligent and basically okay dude. But what the fuk is with his taste in roles?
Very much like Angelina Jolie continously does, Vin Diesel picked an essentially phoney character to play. These are people who speak Snappy Comeback 101, have no flaws, and make zero mistakes.
I guess it's easier than acting.
The movie ends with an entire race of beings -- the quintessential bad guys bent on crushing the known universe -- literally kneeling at his feet. Feels good, huh? Makes up for that time you got beat up by that red-headed meep down the block in elementary school.
The video game is actually pretty good, by the way. It does better at being a game than the movie does at being a movie, at any rate.
Did you know Vin Diesel was also once a crappy breakdancer? Here's to you, chucklehead.